My grieving partner is pushing me away
Usually when someone dies those close to him or her will feel intense emotions that can often unsettle their own personal relationships. Grief, or the emotions felt due to a loss, can be particularly hard to cope with for both the bereaved and those who are trying to be supportive. Thankfully, with mutual respect and patience, relationships can withstand and even sometimes grow stronger due to grief.
What Is Grief?
Generally speaking, grief is an emotional response to the death of a loved one. Very often grief is equated to sadness, though it is not always so simple. Instead, grief often involves a progression of different emotions and reactions that include shock and/or numbness, anxiety, anger, and sadness. It may take days, weeks or even years for someone who is grieving to cycle through all of these stages and some people never experience all of these emotions due to a particular loss or experience some emotions related to one loss but different emotions due to another. This is perfectly normal. There is no set itinerary for grief, though if there is a distinct lack of emotional response, or an emotional response so overwhelming that it begins to affect a person s employment, education, or personal relationships then it may be best to consult a counsellor.
How Death Affects Relationships
Grief can take a toll on relationships because it is primarily an individual experience. Partners can try to understand someone else grief but they can never experience it or take on the burden themselves.
Is it normal to push someone away when grieving?
Grief can have a number of effects on relationships. Partners may grow closer as they need each other for support or realise that they would like to spend more time together. However, partners may also grow apart if the grieving individual retreats into him or herself, his or her partner loses patience with grief or a combination. Intimate relationships may also experience a slow period if the grieving individual does not feel like becoming physically close to others. Finally, some relationships may not experience any changes if grief is not intense, if it is fleeting or if partners are able to give and receive support in an open and efficient manner.
Supporting Others Through Grief
Perhaps the greatest mistake someone attempting to comfort or console another can make is to insist on how the other must be feeling. Instead, friends and relatives of the bereaved should be patient with whatever emotions the individual may be feeling without deciding whether these emotions are right or appropriate. Talking about how each person is feeling often helps everyone stay on the same page and understand more about what others are going through, and scheduling activities that the bereaved enjoy may help him or her to experience positive emotions. If more than one person is experiencing grief at the same time, it may be that allowing each to experience their own grief without feeling that they must make the other feel better helps all involved. However, throughout grief, physical affection, tokens of love and affection, and reminders that others will always be there for the bereaved will likely always be appreciated.
Grief is often a solitary, unique experience. Others will never be able to understand exactly how the bereaved is feeling, so patience with whatever may come will help all relationships stay strong. If it is believed that grief is interfering with the bereaved life then counseling may be in order.
How to Help My Sister Get Over the Death of Husband?
QUESTION:
My sister has just lost her husband – it was a sudden unexpected death he was 55 and died in his sleep.
My sister has no children only me and I don’t know what to do for the best to help. She and her husband were very much on their own and wanted to be that way. Just wanted some advice really.
(H.M, 15 March 2009)
ANSWER:
It can be very hard to watch the ones we love suffer a loss as devastating as the death of a spouse. Your concern about your sister, and your desire to help her, are both admirable. As her sibling, you probably have a good idea of how your sister likes to live her life and you can use this information as a segue to discuss your sister’s current needs.
Very often the bereaved will not be able to answer a question as broad as “how can I help?” or “what do you need?” Instead, it can be up to loved ones to try to figure out what they can do to ease the burden. For example, if you know that your brother-in-law was the cook in their household then you might tell your sister that you’d like to bring some frozen dinners by, or suggest that the two of you attend a cookery course to get out of the house.
It may well be that you need to turn these suggestions around and make it sound like she would be doing you a favour in order for her to accept. This might be from pride, it might be because she doesn’t realise she needs help or it might be that she doesn’t even have the energy to spare figuring out her own schedule. Whatever the case, offering something specific is a good way to start.
Now, however, is not the time to discuss the fact that your sister does not have children and that you believe that you are all she has. Your sister obviously realises that she no longer has her own family, and if she wants to discuss this with you then chances are she will.
If your sister seems exceptionally low and you are worried about her then you might consider telling her this, using specific examples where appropriate. Sometimes people do not realise what their actions are conveying to others, and sometimes the bereaved need someone else to observe their behavior before they realise it themselves. If you feel that professional help is needed, such as the services of a member of the clergy or a trained bereavement counselor, then finding out information and discussing it with your sister will let her know that you care.
But remember, you can not force help on adults who do not want it. The best you can do is to help your sister in the ways that she asks, or continue to suggest ways that you would like to help. Over time it’s likely that you’ll both work out what part you will each play in each other’s futures.
Coping with Multiple Deaths
It s hard enough to cope with one death, but when multiple deaths occur at the same time or in close succession it can be downright overwhelming. When many deaths occur at the same time it may be under traumatic or accidental circumstances, and the shock of the surrounding events can lead to even greater grief. Family and friends can be invaluable for an individual trying to cope with the death of more than one loved one, but ultimately the individual alone will need to work through his or her grief in order to truly survive the trauma.
Family and Friends of the Bereaved
Family and friends of the bereaved may be suffering themselves, but pulling together to get through the days, weeks, and months after the initial loss(es) is important. Helping each other to arrange funerals and/or memorials, sorting through the estates of the deceased, organising child care and meals, and keeping an eye on each other to make sure that everyone is eating and sleeping is a safety net that many individuals need following the deaths of more than one loved one. If it seems that one individual is not coping as well, such as by turning to drink or drugs, violence or anger, or an inability to care for themselves or their dependents, then organising grief counseling and/or therapy immediately may be a good idea.
Surviving the Losses of Multiple Deaths
Ultimately, surviving more than one death at a time is something that each individual will need to do for him or herself. This can be even harder if one of the deaths (or more) was accidental or traumatic given the sudden and painful nature of the event(s). Allowing themselves time to grieve for each person, and recognising that grieving for multiple losses will take longer than for just one loss, is a good way for bereaved individuals to begin exploring their grief. Putting off other things for a while may even be necessary in order to grieve properly. However, individuals who begin to lose interest in life, who feel that they are being punished for something through the death of others, who find themselves feeling out of control with rage or who turn to drink or drugs to mask the pain must be honest with themselves about their behaviors. Getting help to work through their emotions, whatever they may be, is imperative.
The death of more than one loved one is a unique trauma for every individual who experiences it. However, each person who must cope with more than one death will already know inside themselves how they can best cope. If these coping mechanisms are destructive, then seeking professional help to find others is important. Family and friends can be invaluable at this time, so allowing them to help may be a way for everyone to work through their grief. If, however, a family member or friend begins to impede someone else s grief process then discussing how this has happened and what each would like to do about it may help everyone stay on the same page during a difficult time.
Coping With Other People s Grief
Everybody experiences grief differently so knowing how to respond to other people s grief can be difficult, especially if you’re also dealing with your own. Practical issues around bereavement mean that you can t always give people as much space as you might like to. How can you figure out the best course of action? How can you provide support without exhausting your own resources?
Accepting Grief
As well as responding differently to grief, people feel it to different degrees, and not always in the ways, you d expect. Sometimes people quite close to a deceased person are not severely affected – they may, for instance, have had more time to adjust to death than was expected. Others who are not that close may feel a deep loss. It can be damaging to expect grief from people and make them feel bad if they’re coping, but its equally important to look out for unexpected grief.
If you are the person closest to the deceased, accepting that other people may be grieving as much as you are can be hard. It can feel like an intrusion into your private space. These feelings are natural and nothing to be ashamed of, but try to remember that those people can t control their feelings either. It will be easier all round if you can support each other.
Communication
Some people who are grieving want to pour out their distress to anyone who will listen whereas others try to avoid the subject completely. At each extreme, it can be difficult to make sure they’re saying what they really need to say. Lots of talking can itself be a form of obfuscation.
Pushing people who are resistant to talking about grief can be risky, but so can leaving them alone. Generally, the best course of action is to let them know you’re there for them and then give them space but gently remind them every now and again that you are concerned. Grief can lead to depression and low self-esteem so there s a risk that such people will otherwise end up feeling they have no one to turn to.
Most people find it easier to face their own grief when not overwhelmed by yours, so try not to get too emotional in conversations of this sort. If you can approach the subject in a matter-of-fact way it will usually make it easier for them and less exhausting for you.
Understanding Difference
In any situation where you have strong feelings, it can be confusing to have to deal with people who express theirs in a different way. You may be tempted to think they’re insincere, that they’re showing off their grief or that they’re being aloof. If you want to communicate effectively and avoid conflict, its important not to project your own feelings and perspectives onto them.
As you are probably aware, there are several stages of grief. People pass through these at different rates. What s more, our experiences of grief can be complicated by losses we have experienced in the past, coincidental depression or anxiety, and other major events that may be happening in our lives.
Rather than being a barrier to understanding, these differences mean that we have different strengths, so we are more able to support each other through our particular difficulties.
When Grief is Hidden
Some people don t show their grief at all. Coping with other people s apparent lack of feelings when you’re hurting intensely can be very difficult, even if they are trying to be helpful to you. It may also leave you worried that they are secretly hurting but unable to communicate it and therefore unable to get any support.
Some people hide their grief even from themselves, so suggesting that you know how they really feel can be counter-productive. It can be more useful to approach the situation hypothetically. If you say that if they were feeling bad you would always be ready to help them, you can give them what they need to cope or to seek help should they decide its right for them to do so.
Protecting Yourself
Coping with other people s grief – even if you’re not supporting them directly – can be an exhausting and frustrating experience. It s especially tough when you too are missing somebody, so it’s important that you create space and support structures for yourself. Remember that you’ll be less help to people in the long term if you damage yourself by taking on too much in the short term.
When looking out for others its important to remember that you matter too. Try to show yourself the same kindness. You deserve it.
My brother and nephew were killed in a car accident 3 weeks ago then the day of their funeral my father In-law died from cancer…..Finding it very hard to comprehend and cope with..I struggle with the fact that my brother and nephew were not found for several hrs after the accident and were out of the vehicle..it would have been my nephews 18th last Saturday and instead of celebrating we are grieving. my dad also past away 10 years ago yesterday..It’s just too much to deal with..I feel sick all the time and so tired and emotionally drained..After my dad died my father In law took on the role..He was a great man and I already miss him. I have four kids under the age of 12 and they have been so wonderful but i worry about them and my husband too. My youngest son is 6 and when his dad has driven, he has said please don’t kill me dad. I am doing the best I can but is it going to have a long term effect on my kids are they going to be ok?
@trace. It’s hard to say what long term effect this will have on the children, but it sounds as though you need to look for some support to help you handle your undertandable grief. CRUSE and Winstons Wish are two excellent organisations which will help.
My oldest brother passed away in December of 2014. He was in ICU for 11 days, all of his organs were failing and we think it might have been due to his drinking and recreational drug use. He was 45. It was very difficult seeing him suffer during those days. His eyes all full of yellow guck, his skin yellow, his stomach swollen … he would never be the same if he survived. We were all hoping that he would pull through and we all said we would help him recover, but when the doctors came to tell us there was no more hope for him it was crushing. We were able to say our good byes and I love yous his last day. All of our family was together and we stayed together for the holidays. I went back home to continue my life and get back to some normalcy then on September 13th my boyfriend of 17 years passes of a heart attack. I couldn’t believe that the love of my life was gone and I would never see him again. He was my rock, the one who kept me grounded. When I was feeling down about my brother I could talk to him and cry and he would listen and make me feel better. Now I am lost and in pain and I feel I have no one. My world is crumbling and when I feel that I can lose it at any minute I get news that a close co-worker passes from breast cancer last week. Sometimes I feel like someone is playing a sick trick on me. I’m numb.
This must be so hard to cope with, we really feel for you. Please do not let your world crumble, take each day and, just for now, don’t look to the future. As we say in the article, accept the support of any other family and friends around you. There are some amazing charities such as CRUSE/a> and if you ask at Citizen’s Advice Bureau they may know of local bereavement groups in your area. Maybe some of our readers will come and post their advice and experiences here to help to. Take care
I don’t know where to begin. My sister was diagnosed with brain cancer on July 28, 2015 and she died on October 27, 2015. She has 2 children, one is grown and out of the house and the other is 16. To complicate matters my father passed on October 20, 2015 after suffering from heart issues, Parkinson’s and lewy body dymensia. he was wheel chair bound and would halucinate all day long. I spent 5 days at the end of my sisters life by her bedside, not eating, sleeping or showering. I did not know if I could go to my father’s funeral until the day before and that was in another state half way across the country. My sister was the third person in my immediate family to have brain cancer. There is no one left. If it wasn’t for my sisters children I would rather not be here. I was all the time that it was me who died and not her. And then I have a brother with severe addiction problems who has not worked in over 6 years. The financial issues have just been an additional complication. I have not had a happy life and can’t take any more. Who does this happen too? I spent my younger years caring for my grandmother who raised me from the age of 3. That was 20 years of my life. I feel I have nothing left to give and cry alot, do not sleep and have lost 25 pounds since all this happened with my sister. I can’t go on like this. I don’t know how to cope anymore.
My mum in law died in Nov my mum Dec my dad 8 days later in January, my son in law February and now my estranged husband of 23 years. Beginning to think my family is cursed. Our poor children have seen so much sorrow this last 7 months, having to support them in their grief has worn me down to nothing. We haven’t had chance to grieve each one before another passes, we’ve come to dread that late night/early morning phone call
Goodness what a lot to have to cope with. We really recommend that you and your children contact one of the many excellent bereavement organisations and charities in the UK like CRUSE . You can also do a search for bereavement support groups in your area which will enable you to talk about your own feelings. Do also try and make some occasions both with and without your children, to celebrate the lives of your loved ones individually…cry and laugh while you remember them and what they meant to you. Take care.
Hi. I’m so pleased that I found this page as I feel I’m sometimes losing my mind. My MIL passed away unexpectedly in March 2014. We all thought she was getting better. We got on so well and I miss her so much. Eight months later in Nov 2014 my dad passed away with a massive heart attack. He was at work just like normal. I still can’t quite believe it has happened even though I know he’s not here. Six months later in May 2015, one of my closest friends who I chatted to most days passed away from cancer. I’ve spent the last couple.of years trying to rebuild my life and trying not to lose my mind for the sake of my children and family. I wasn’t sure if I’d been over reacting and I really ought to have been feeling better sooner. It’s been two years since my dad passed and I’m beginning to feel ‘normal’ again. I can see progress in my feeing am emotions. The next thing I want to do is to visit the resting place of my friend and then I’ll feel as though I worked through everything. Thanks for reading this far.
My sister and I were 23 months apart in age. My entire life has centered around my parents, my sister and later my son. She was a stronger and more conservative, more responsible human being in every way. We were like night and day my mother would often say. My family has always been close. My parents were married nearly 50 years and loved each other and us unconditionally. My sister had asthma or so she thought, we later found out she had diagnosed herself for many years. My sister was shy and bashful and very pure. Even at the age of 44 she had never dated nor ever had a boyfriend. When she was diagnosed with cancer, it was already stage 4b. She had cervical cancer that had spread to her lungs. We all believed she would still make it through, but kidney failure took her on 10/22/16 not even three months after wer were told about the cancer. The chemo wreaked havoc in her body. She was such a strong person I felt as though I had lost an arm and the devastation to my parents was crushing and I am physically suffering when I remember the sound of their cries when we were told she would not live through that weekend. I didn’t live at home, moved out 12 years ago… But the three of them had always lived together. My sister’s best friends were my parents. The affect her death had on them was visibly obvious. I was extremely concerned about whether or not they could survive losing my sister. It wasn’t 6 weeks after that my mom called me hysterical, screaming that my dad had suffered a heart attack. I asked if he was ok, and never expected to hear her answer “Noooooo!” When I realized the paramedics had been trying to revive him for more than 20 minutes, my heart sank. I couldn’t wrap my head around the loss of them both for me and my son…. But even more shattered at the incomprehensible amount of heartache and sadness that we were left with. Even imagining how this must be for my mom I break down. I am overwhelmed by the reality of what has happened and what life will be like from now on. I am terrified that my mom, now 70 years old, will be taken from me and at the same time terrified something might happen to me and what that would put her through. I am so depressed.
Dear Jo, I am not sure if you would read this – i lost my sister on 31st March 2017 due to a cardio pulmonary failure or that’s what doctors say – she was just vomiting when i took her to emergency for rehydration treatment but didn’t take her back home alive. My mom had passed away a year earlier due to hemorrhagic stroke – Life makes little sense and fear of losing a remaining loved ones lurks in sleeps and throughout the day. The guilt of not having done enough for my sister and mom keeps me from forgiving myself – i keep thinking if i would have done this, then perhaps, the result would have been different. I am torn inside out, wanting to go away with my mom and sister to the other side, yet held on to this life by my small children and their need of me. Just when i was beginning to cope with my mom’s loss and move on with my sisters, I am once again back at the beginning of being ripped apart by pain of loss. This feeling of dread doesn’t go away and at times i feel i cant cope anymore – the loss and fear of loss seem to be immobilizing me.
I am 56 and strugglingl. My losses started when my mom fell and broke her hip. Things did not go well and the result was complete dementia and pushed forward her Parkinson. Ten days later, a large truck ran a red light and struck my husbands vehicle.(We had been together for 34 years.) Fifteen days later my husband still laid unresponsive, still on a vent, septic, with gangrene in all of his extremities. We had talked many times on what to do if either one of us was ever faced with this. I had the vent removed and held him as died. (although the process only lasted about 10 minutes.- watching his struggle was overwhelming.) My dad (an old farmer, would not leave my moms side) continue to care for mom’s overwhelming needs at home. I received a phone call 70 days later that he had suffered a fatal heart attack. An issue that was unknown. Now we had to deal with mom. She no longer knew us and impossible to be kept at home. So 6 months after the death of my husband, we moved mom to a nursing facility. Now 9 months have passed and mom died a couple of months ago. In the course of 1 year and 5 days. I have lost all those people that I was closest too. The loss of my husband – my rock, my anchor first has left me to seek harbor. The person who would have helped me through the losses is gone – in traumatic fashion. I thought I was doing “ok” But, now I have crashed and burned into depression and anxiety. Going to a doctor now. Meds and counseling. Really tired. Just want to find a life. A widower friend so perfectly stated the feeling “I hate the loneliness that is now life.”
It all started just over 8 months ago. I was 27. My dad, Scott, was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident on August 27, 2016. His funeral was on the 2nd of September. Me and my younger sister took it really hard. We have no other siblings and our parents had been divorced for about 6 years at that time. Our mom is slightly unstable to say the least, our dad was our rock. On top of everything else me and my husband, RJ, of 8 years were dealing with the fact that his dad, Joe, wasn’t going to be around much longer. My father in law was 80 years old and had a lot of health problems including dimentia. My mother in law, Linda, was the one who took care of him and spent every day with him. We all lived together, my in laws, husband, two daughters and me. Linda died suddenly on Christmas Eve 2016, of heart failure. Nearly 4 months after my dad. Her service was January 2nd, 2017. Joe got worse every day after that. Some days the dimentia was so bad he didn’t even know who we were. It was heartbreaking to watch and deal with. Joe passed away February 25, 2017. His funeral was March 2nd 2017. Within 6 months we lost 3 of our parents. They all died on Saturdays.
I lost my Dad suddenly on Saturday, May 6, 2017. My Mother and I truly believe he died of a broken heart. My brother passed away from alcohol addiction on August 9, 2016. My father has been grief stricken ever since. I think he thought he could save my brother. Having back-to-back deaths has been devastating. While I have returned to work this week, in all honestly, all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up. I know I will eventually start to feel better. But right now I feel like a zombie.
We hope you soon start to feel less numb. Please talk to someone via an organisation like CRUSE or a local support group though. Take care.
I am struggling with 2 major loses in my family. My daughter too. My mom died nov 10th and 3 weeks later I found my husband in our home and he died. I don’t know how to relieve this sadness and pain in my heart. My mother was my ROCK. My husband and I were married 32 years and he was my soulmate. I can’t seem to concentrate or function. Depression and major anxiety are taking over. I tried to go back to work but people didn’t truly understand and treated me like the plaque. I stopped working again due to pain and stress. My heart is so broken as this just happened at the end of 2016. Hard to go on day in and day out. Trying hard for the sake of my daughter but I have many panic attacks that feel like heart attacks. Tried counseling but to painful. Plus no good advise and I already know the same things they try to tell you. Need help. CJF.
This must be so hard for you. Have you talked to your GP? It might be worth going and telling them, especially about the panic attacks. If counselling hasn’t worked, there may be other things to try such as support groups. It will be painful at first (but of everything is painful at the moment for you isn’t it) but sometimes opening up to others, especially those who’ve experienced it themselves, might be the starting to point to being able to forward a little with your life. The CRUSE organisation is a good palce to start.
I am beyond grief stuck . As a nursing professional and Hospice nurse I am accustom to death and dying almost monthly . Recently though 1 have been averaging 1 a week for the last year ……These people are friends , family and support people whohave been an integral part of my life . I am doing group and one on one talk therapy but I a, in a hopeless desperate place . The very people who helped me earlier in the year are now gone. I feel like i am a curse and I am beginning to isolate and stay inside myself . Please any thoughts I am getting extremely despondent
I am relieved to read your stories. I was not sure if I was the only one who has panic attacks so severely after the experience I have endured. This year my daughter would be 18. I have to watch kids go to prom and graduation and it cuts me deep. But her death happened along time ago. It is the more recent events that have got me feeling like I got hit by two trains. The man of my life, my love Matt died suddenly at 40 in 2016. We had just celebrated his birthday and danced the night away. We were planning on moving to California and he was going to adopt my daughter. It was perfect. My dad also died within one month of Matt ‘s death. My dad and him were best friends. Us three together were best friends. So I continued to work all last year picking up extra shifts and not really dealing with it very well. I would cry all night when no one was around to see. I have one friend who also lost her fiance. She was so grief stricken that she would call me some nights balling. And we would together. Because it is embarrassing to grieve and it is private. One night in March this year she called me and told me she would end her life. I didn’t take her seriously. The next morning at work I got the call. She actually did it! I walked out of my job that I have had for over ten years. I sat in my car paralyzed and lost. I couldn’t even move for hours. After that day I have had extreme panic attacks. I feel like someone is chasing me and I am running in place constantly. So it has been a few months now and I decided to visit my dying sister. She has assured me that it will be ok but she is scared to die. I really don’t know how to feel anything anymore. I really don’t like being around people anymore. I just want to hide in a forest somewhere. I despise counselors. I just wanted to share this with this forum because I thought maybe someone could relate.
I’m not sure what to say but I can relate to a lot of your posts to some level. Within 3 years, I lost a friend, 3 aunts ( two under the age of 61), a great uncle, my 28 year old cousin who my parents adopted when we were kids, and my Nana as of 3 months ago. ( she was 90 but was my like a mom). My 58 year old uncle just moved in with my parents’ he has early onset Alzheimer’s. All of this has happened on top of being a new mom and my husband losing his job and me being the financial stability. I also hate my job and my boss but I just feel frozen. I’m stunned. I used to be so happy and if I didn’t have my daughter I don’t know what I would be like. I’ve always been the strong one but I feel broken. I saw a therapist and she started losing track of people and I loathed having to tell my story over and over again when we only had 45 mins. I’m hoping for some peace soon for me and my family.
Oh Sherbear, we hope you find some peace soon too. What a terrible few years you’ve had. You have your own little family to care for now, but don’t take on too much…one day at a time. Seize each little glimmer of joy each day and you’ll soon find there are more of these than sad times. Take care and do seek out the support from the many amazing support organisations like Cruse
My only brother shot and killed my twin 16 Year old Nieces 4-days before their 17th, Birthday and then shot and killed himself. One month later we found out my wife was in liver failure. She was only alive for 28 days and then died on our 21st, Anniversary. She died in another state waiting for a transplant and her family kept me from saying goodbye. Both my parents are dead and now i am totally alone, no family to spend the Holidays with. I have been seeing a Grief Counselor once a week and it is helping, but sometimes when i think about having no family it really scares me. I miss my Wife’s great cooking and eat only enough to stay alive. I am tired all of the time and i am surprised i have made it this long. It has been 6-months since my wife died and i live alone. I am moving back to my home state in April to be closer to friends. How long is it going to take to get my life back to “Normal?”
I had my Grandmother, Step dad, Sister, Aunt and my best friend die within a space of six years. I don’t know many people or have many friends and so the impact was even more devastating as these people were the only people in my life. I’ve also lost my house and almost became homeless. I find myself feeling increasingly hopeless, becoming overly sensitive and above all wanting to be silent for days on end. I want nothing out of life and long for solitude all the time although I can fake being normal and friendly quite well.
In May 2017 my ex husbands mother and father died within 8 days of each other which had a devastating impact on my sons. Then in August 2017 my younger brother died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage, causing such over whelming grief to myself and my sons, and my aging parents. Finding myself trying to come to terms myself and trying to support others I love . My younger son and his partner had their 1st baby in May bringing in expected joy to us .. ( he really is a gift) My father then passed away on 20th June this year.. I totally adored him..I’ve been awash with so much grief and not having come to terms with losing my brother However my younger son is just not coping at all..he said he’s in a dark place .. he’s not depressed but cannot explain …. He is happy with his partner, they are planning a wedding , loves and adores his son and knows he has good things to look forward too .. however he is not happy .. his patner, Emma feels she cannot cope either or knows how to deal with all of this . I too feel out of my depth and worry it will cause the collapse of their relationship.. what and how can we all mend ?? Thank you Angela
My little brother hung himself when he found his 11 month old daughter dead ,she was failure to thrive .. my mom died less than 2 months later
I lost my father, brother, cousin / boyfriend in a thirteen month period. My cousin helped me deal with my brothers physical abuse after my father died. My mother had mental health issues and was a verbal and emotional abuser who did nothing to stop her son. Things improved when my cousin intervened. I loved all of them regardless. My life improved. One night my cousin, brother and others went out for the night and four were killed in a horrific car accident. That is when the real night mare started. I experienced post traumatic stress, memory loss, nightmares, suicide attempt. My mother changed at night and entered a very dark place that she wanted to take me to. At the age of 16 l went to another planet to live. I suppose l could not cope with all the grief and trauma. I didn’t want to go there but l did anyway. That’s how l describe it. I lost so much of myself. I had memory loss and post traumatic stress for over 23 years. At 39 l had 3 sons and l knew their happiness was in jeopardy with me the way l was. Il had to find out what was wrong with me. I had to regain terrible memories and try and deal with what happened to me. I eventually got there.
I lost my mother-in-law on 12/23/17, my dad on 4/2/18 (my mom’s/his wife’s birthday), my 27 year old niece/God daughter on 4/13/18, my brother-in-law on 5/18/18, my mom on 6/5/18, my 36 year old nephew/Godson on 2/23/19, and my one year old husky was hit by a car on 3/5/19. I can’t take any more. Lost 7 of the most important lives ever in a short period of time and I can’t take it.
I lost my mom in May, and my dad in July. They were married over 60 years. I never grieved due to my family and foolishness. A lot of jealousy due to what I was left with. Now, I don’t deal with my family. I’ve basically disowned my family. My family acted so crazy, I wasn’t able to grieve. I’m planning on getting counseling. Has anyone gone through the same? If so, what did you do?
Mum schizophrenia from my birth resulting in my having PTSD, OCD. No father. Lost nephew 2014 alcohol, Lost sister alcohol 4/11/18, Lost other sister alcohol 1/1.19. Mother having breakdown at present. I was attacked with glass recently and Police have falsely charged me. I have a court case 6-9 years if convicted. Found out earlier dog will probably have to be put down as bones crumbling. I don’t know what to do anymore just want to die. Don’t know if I can carry on.
I’ve never said this out loud, I divorced lost my home, & business 2014. 2015 suddenly lost my mother, a week later my aunt, a minth later my grandmother, within 3 months 2 more uncles. 2016 my father became gravely ill, had to move in with me. Lost 2 friends in 2016 while caring for my critically ill father a full time job and school. My father passed in 2017, 3 months later my brother was diagnosed with spindle cell carcinoma, I quit my job spent my retirement to take care of my dying brother. He lived 10 months. July 12 will be 1 year since his death, I am so lost. I believe im in every stage of grief. I’ve been to counseling, emdr therapy( I also suffer from PTSD, from an earlier experience). I’ve yet to finish school, I’m struggling to pay bills, im depressed, angry, scared, unsure. Not sure how to make life work.
I lost my nana on 7-15-19 and my grandfather today on 8-18-19 and it’s just so much i loved them so much but they lived in another state and i didn’t see them much. my nana was always there for me and always wanted others to be happy. my grandfather was a great man always respectful and caring. he lost his memory a few years ago though and could not remember anything. it was heartbreaking seeing him like that and him not being able to know me. i don’t know how i can handle there loses and i don’t know if i ever will be able to.
Brother, 2012 Mom, 2015 Best friend, 2015 God mum, 2016 Dad, 2017 Brother, 2018 (last family member) Today, 2019 cousin Yeah, I’m numb….luckily I have a great hubby and 2 great grown girls…..
First, my heart goes out to everyone on this site. Although the circumstances are different, we all share in a unique and intense pain and can take some comfort that we are not alone in experiencing such pain. In March of 2017, I lost my mother in law unexpectedly. She was kep alive until we could see her to say goodbye. She was one of my best friends. Six months later my Dad passed. My mom and I had to decide to remove a ventilator and let him pass. He had suffered through a stroke for 5 years. Then in March, my brother, my hero and only sibling, fell into sepsis unexpectedly. He was in ICU for a week, in a special rotating bed and purposely paralyzed and in a medical coma but he ultimately did not recover. I was in the room with him while the team tried to restart his heart and held his hand as they said his blood pressure wasn’t holding and his death was imminent. I was with him and watched him pass from this world into another. He left behind a minor son that I had to begin working with the court system for his care and estate and the mountain of paperwork that comes with that. My mom would die 2 months later. I saw her the night before she passed and have at least the comfort that I had fixed her nightgown, covered her with her favorite blanket and pillow and knew she passed with dignity in her sleep. Lastly, my father in law died 6 months later. He moved close to us after his wife died and saw him daily. These people were our lives. We spent every holiday with them. Talked to them all nearly daily. Now, we have no support system. No one to celebrate holidays with anymore, no one to just call and say hi. We have just the 4 of us left and we are trying to build a future without them. I just try to remember my mom gave me all the skills I need to thrive. For me to not to use them is to dishonor her. She raised me well and although the pain is constant and some days debilitating, I tell myself to be patient with me and take it one day at a time and that I owe it to all of them to find a path back to happiness again. I have children, my brother has a son and that is their legacy. It is my job to make sure the family still thrives.
My grandma who is my best friend and someone who I look up to passed away in April this year suffering from an illness. In June another relative passed suddenly. It was a giant shock as he had attended my Nan’s funeral and he was so healthy and happy and full of life and told me all about my Nan when she was younger how reckless but kind spirited she was. And now in September another relative had passed away on my partners side and it’s been a rough time trying to figure out what’s going on what’s happening and where I stand in all this. I just don’t know what to do. Who I am or what life is anymore. But I know I should thank the world I am still healthy and that my family will always be with me. And I have to solider on! I hope everyone on this site is able to get the help they deserve and need! And that you’re not alone and it’s hard to process these things. Sometimes things happen but we have to pull ourselves from the pits of depression and darkness and know we’re not alone! This is a time to be with family and friends and to share the people’s lives who have passed and celebrate who amazing they are and the more we share the more we feel one with them and come to terms with the heartache
I lost my dad the day after my birthday from sepsis 8/22/19, then my grandma 18days later from cancer 9/9/19, and then last night my favorite cat passed away from being ran over by a car 9/11/19. I’m currently pregnant and due in November, In the past 20 days I’ve held the dead body’s of 3 loved ones and said my goodbyes. I’m having panic attacks now. I don’t know how much more I can deal with right now.
After reading some of your heartbreaking comments,I feel mine is just another sad story…..married very young 17..Iv five children…At 27 I lost my one and only brother aged 20 to suicide..Mum was never the same..my marriage was unhappy..Took me yrs to get over the loss..But people said I’m strong..My two eldest boys started to get in trouble prison ect..I stood by and gave all my support ..Divorced when the youngest was two, as their father hadied always been controlling. ..Took care of mum then dad for 6 yrs and lost both to Dementia..had councillors. ..Now in 2019 in July iv lost my son to murder….He was 43 and it’s turned my whole world upside down….Iv 3 son’s and one daughter left…My fear and anxiety has hit the roof..I’m also very very angry..My son was troubled And on drugs…My eldest is also a rebel…How can I ever stop this awful fear that more dreadful things are going to happen….Also their father has offered No sympathy..How could he live with himself….Griefstricken mumXN
I’ve had 4 deaths in the last 8weeks.2 dear friends of 41years passed away my brother in law who I was close to hung himself and my cat passed away.I’m heartbroken.
At the start of this year, my gran and highly handicapped aunt had a house on the same street as my mum and dads flat. When I come down to visit from Dundee where I currently live, there’s the family unit all close to eachother. Until May this year when my dad died of a sudden massive heart attack, with no warning, just dropped down and was gone. My mum then moved in with my gran as the flat was my dads. My gran fell and broke her hip 3 weeks ago, she died on Saturday from complications. The house will be put up for sale. My mum is homeless. I am stuck in Dundee. This year has taken everything.
Hi, I think I need help, since one of my best friends commited suicide 3 years ago, I have lost a further 11 friends and family through death. The 3 suicides of my male friends, and my grandad and uncle hit me the most. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression since nick hung himself 3 years ago and I feel this feeling low will never end.
I understand this all to well. Apparently I’m looking for something if I’m looking this up online. I’m a single mother of a beautiful 11 year old. The deaths started for me 18 months ago. I first lost a close friend to liver cancer. Then my father to dementia. Next my boyfriend to cancer. Then my best friend and adopted nother to cancer and lastly my rock who helped with my child to suicide. I have and mat still be at that point where I feel like God is punishing me but I know he’s not. I’ve grown closer to God but struggle everyday to be the mom that I need to be. In the past few weeks a few th7ngs have happened good and instead of enjoying it I completely break down into panic attacks. My body doesn’t know how to react right now. I’m here to listen if anybody has advice.
Gosh this is my life. Just when I think I have begun to grieve one loss this year, I have to start at square one for the next. I’m 28 years old. In December 2018 I lost my mom to lung cancer. She was 58. In January I lost my Aunt who helped raise me, in March I lost my dad who was 62, in June I lost one of my dogs, in October I lost another Aunt and two weeks ago I lost my sister who was only 35. All sudden and unexpected for the most part. I just hope I’m done losing people this year! I think I’m at my breaking point.
My grandmother had just passed away a couple days before thanksgiving. Normally every year me and my family would come visit her every other holiday, so it was so shocking to me she had died days away from us seeing her again. I was trying to get over it, hide my emotions and focus on school. However, a week past and found out my cat had just died. Her name was Ares, and I was with her for 6 years every single day. Its the holiday season yet it’s filled with sadness. I don’t know how to handle this.
I just today lost one of my granduncles to suicide a few hours ago, the other is in the hospital and has a low chance of making it, and his daughter was just told she only has 2 weeks to live. All happened in a few hours and it is very hard to deal with, especially me being only 13.
I know this all too well. My Auntie passed away this morning due to terminal cancer, a year and a half ago I lost my beloved Nan who was my last grandparent, lost my other Nan 9 months before that, lost a family friend in a car accident 8 months before this, lost my beloved Uncle back in 2012 then 8 months later my second childhood dog was put down, lost my Grandad back in 2008 who was my best friend and back in 2001 I lost my beloved Great Nan then a few months later my first childhood dog was put down. I am 23 years old and honestly I don’t know how many more times my heart can be smashed into a million pieces.
7 family and friend 2 dogs in 24 months I lost my best friend from an aneurysm.60 years old a few months later, I came home on Memorial weekend to find my significant other (54), decomposed, he too had brain aneurysm. blood all over (walking dead), 6 months later I found my friend dead in the bed, heart attack. 4 months later my dad, 3 months later my sister (56), I had to pull the breathing tubes, She had an accident. Found my other friend… I walk around and around…
I am so sad reading everyone’s stories. I have my own and it is taking its toll. I lost my husband 3.5 years ago. 16 months later my dad passed away. Mom followed him 13 months after that. My only sibling is dying from advanced cancer. Since we lost Mom in October, he has given up and It may only be weeks. So basically my husband and my entire family have left this world in the past 3.5 years. Drinking too much, eating too much, discovered the casino and waiting for my turn. I am 59. I can’t take much more. I don’t know what I will do when my brother passes.
I have lost a total of 63 Friends in the last 7 years which has put strain on my life , I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and serve depression have had help from several groups and company’s but nothing has helped, tried lots of different medication but made me a zombie and it didn’t take away the thoughts, I was then addicted to medication which I struggled to get off, I have paid for private treatment but start explaining about what’s happened and what I have seen and they have got up and walked out , I have lost all my friends as the ones that said they would help have left me in the dark to get on with it , people say i always look happy but inside it’s eating away at me , so much that I cannot sleep properly , Panic attacks , sleep terrors , flashbacks, heavy sweating. Fed up with people saying just get over it
Man, for the first time in a while, I don’t feel so isolated in my greif. So many of you have lost multiple close family members in short periods of time and honestly I didn’t know of anyone outside of my family and extensions of the family, that’s dealing with so much at once. I honestly have felt pretty alone in it and the few people that I do know that are dealing with this much loss, are just “faking it til they make it” like myself. I’ve been through a lot of horrible things and somehow, I am still here. I dont understand how I made it this far as it is to be honest. Ive experienced so much pain, abuse, neglect, and abandonment from nearly birth, that I’ve developed a severely thick skin… outwardly at least. But these last 3 years have been the most difficult of all of my adult pain. It started 2/4/16 when my father was admitted to the hospital and by 2/11/16 he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in his lungs. With more testing, they discovered hit was liver as well. In less than 3/4 of a year, it spread further to his spine and brain. Even with the chemo and radiation treatments. I spent every 3 weeks or so, back and forth from Texas to Ohio. 3 there. 3 here and repeat. I was with him a few weeks before he passed. He was supposed to be in the ICU until the cancer took him but he signed himself out of the hospital against doctors wishes, to go bowling with my older brother and I. It was the only true family outing I had with them two and I treasure it immensely. I had to return home the following day, but told him I’d see him in a few weeks. I never got to make it on time. On 2/24/17 at 9:56 am, while I was on my way to the Houston airport, he finally let go. I felt obligated to stow my greif not long after I made it back to Texas after we laid him to rest. I wasnt asked to do so but I felt my pain was too dark for my then boyfriend, (now fiancee). I felt like I was not devoting the proper attention and time to my relationship so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I buried the pain. I planted it as deep as I could. (Which probably wasn’t far at all since I’ve spent my whole life buring the pain) Then, I tried to pretend like I wasnt as lost, sad, angry, distraught… and so much more, and I feel like I did good enough(ish) until the following January. I had a dream on 1/26/18 that I’d have to bury my mother before the 1 year mark of my fathers death. The next day my mom called me to tell me she was signing up for hospice, as she had been in a nursing home for a couple of years by then. He exact words to me were, “Don’t worry. ?? It’s not an ‘I’m dying’ sort of thing”.. and went on to explain that it was basically easier for the home for when the time actually does come. She hadn’t had a clearly audible conversation with me due to her last 15 or so years with emphysema and constant oxygen. However, that day, I heard her crystal clear. I didnt have to ask her to repeat what she said at all. 3 days later she passed away in
My mother passed away Jan 15 2020. My sister was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer in November 2019. Both were in the same hospital. I recall the day my mother passed. She was in the ICU department. My sister was 2 levels below in the oncology department. About an hour before my mother passed, they wheeled my sister in on her wheelchair with tubes all going through her arms and nose. I will never forgot that sight she rolled up to my mothers bed, grabbed her hand and kissed her one last time. I cried so much as a 32 year old. I will NEVER forgot that, Its sad, Mom never knew that my sister had cancer and they had a strained relationship because she didnt want my mother worrying. On March 7 2020, my sister has stopped all chemo as treatment no longer works. She been on palliative care since then and the doctors have given her a few weeks to love. Kidneys and liver already having issues. Even worse is the corona virus. No family members from over seas can make it to see my sister as international borders are closing. We are predicting a very small funeral and god forbid my town wont go into lockdown because funerals may not be allowed to take place. Just a horror time for the family at the moment. I feel like we my family live in a horror bubble.
I woke up from a 50 year long brainwashing from the Jehovah Witnesses. When I told them I didn’t believe in all their man made rules, they shunned me, so I lost a lifetime of people. Then my step father died of cancer Nov 16th 2018, followed by my sister 6 months later of liver failure, my dad then died of cancer a couple weeks ago and my mom died 2 days after him of a heart attack. I’m like really lost right now, and people don’t get it for sure unless it’s happened to them.
I’m 30 years old. For the last 28 years my immediate family members have passed on. I have no elders left besides distant relatives and my brother on my mom side. My aunt passed away when I was 2 she was killed in a car accident. That death changed the beautiful dynamic of my family. Following here my great grandmother in 96’, my cousin Nia the daughter of my aunt who passed committed suicide by drowning in 1999. That really took a toll on us all. Another cousin in 2011 died of a gran mal seizure and alcoholism, he also molested me as a child so his death really messed me up. My grandfather in 2014, my grandmother and mother in 2016. A month an a day apart this was the worst as I was very close to both of them they were my best friend. My last aunt in 2018 and sadly my sister in February of this year. I have my brother and me and a host of neices, nephews and their children. My father is still alive but we aren’t close. I don’t get sad often only when I think of my mother. I miss her most. Sometimes I feel like I live in a dream. There passings has made me self destructive in the pass drinking and driving, promiscuity and frivolousness. I’ve come from so much darkness. I have a hand on it now. Anxiety creeps up now and again but depression has yet to show its face. I don’t drink as much as I used to nor do I like the feeling of being drunk. Fortunately will good faith and wisdom I live my life focused on life not the inevitable. If I allow my darkness to take hold my fear is not that I will die. But that I will live a long depressed life. Depression is the main culprit that shorten many of my family members lives. I don’t want that. I have many angels, lots of traumas too but my head is still high. Optimism has saved my life.
When I was 20 I lost my big brother in 2016 by a car accident. I remember that day because I had just said bye to him that morning because I had to go back to SF for finals and work later on that day. While I was at work, I got a texted from him asking me when I was done with finals so he can come visit his little sister again. I told him finals were going to be a piece of cake and to come visit whenever he can. I had to go back to work and later on I got a call from my sister saying he died. I was and still am devastated. His death anniversary is coming up on May 22nd and it’s still so hard. I spent a lot of time crying and drinking. My abusive boyfriend of two years who I was living with at the time decided to leave me, which was the only good that came out since I wouldn’t leave him. But, It wasn’t until my friend’s brother raped me that I dropped out of school and move back with my parents. They don’t know that information, but yeah. . Then towards the end of the year, my big sister was diagnosed with stage 4 gastric cancer. She was my best friend and closest sister. I really thought she would beat it. a couple days before she was in the hospital and I spent the night there her last night, since we all wanted to be there for her. I stayed up because she had to use the restroom a lot and needed help going to bathroom since she was to weak. The morning she was going to be released her doctor comes in, my sister looks at me and I think oh I’m being rude so I introduce myself.to the doctor but my sister says “no get out”. I was so mad. I waited outside and when I came back in I told her don’t do that anymore I need to know what.you need help with and how you are doing. Later that day we were able to take her to her home, we had dinner together and she was tired so I left. I told her I would come back tomorrow, so we could hangout. After I left, I went to target, I wanted to get her some comfy pajamas that fit her, the ones she wore at the hospital were too long. A few hours after I got to my apartment, my older sister called me thwt my sister died. All I could think about after my 25yr old sister died in 2018 was how I was going to kill myself. I thought, what’s the point of living if I’m just going to be sad the rest of my life. I have other siblings, and we are so close. They are all going to die and my parents. I would think if I drive fast enough on the freeway and hit the divider I could die on impact, but there is always that chance I might survive and become a burden on my family. I thought maybe I can pretend I’m going backpacking, that way they won’t know about my death for a while. I didn’t want them to be sad. My sister’s birthday just passed two days ago. It’s really hard during this time. My brother died in my sister’s birth month and my sister died in my brother’s birth month. I don’t want to keep losing my family but I know it’s inevitable. I just wish I knew how to deal with it and be okay.
I have lost every member of my family. When I was a child, I lost my grandmother and my Dad within a few weeks of each other, then my Mum became ill with cancer. My Mum had a horribly painful and traumatic death, and this haunts me. Last August, my brother died young, and 5 days later I lost my partner to leukaemia. My brother’s death had been horrendous, because he was under the aegis of Care in the Community, as in no care, no community. As a child of 6, he had been knocked down by a drunken hit and run driver, which caused brain damage, leading to paranoid schizophrenia. Decades of hell, and then a painful death. I am left with guilt , as well as grief for all these deaths, and because I’m now alone, with no family, I feel isolated and lost. I try to remain as positive as I can, but behind the facade, I’m struggling to cope. These were all good people, and all died young, painful deaths. I watch life going on around me, albeit in a weird way due to coronavirus, but I don’t feel part of it.
I lost my boyfriend sept 2019. He was murdered, 4 days after his funeral my dad passed away, two months later my oldest son passed away dec 2019. I buried him the day after my birthday. I lost 3 significant male figures in my life in 4 months. Im lost and numbingmy pain….my boyfriend wanted to marry me. I have 5 kids and he wasn’t their father but he was willing to help me raise them and he was my soul mate. My dad wasn’t my biological father but he is the only dad I knew. My son was my world my heart and he was so humble, he was 3weeks shy of going to boot camp for the army, he joined to help me, so we don’t struggle.
Lost my Mom whom I have never been far from for more then three weeks in my 54 yrs. I was with her at her last hrs. She died at 80 after choices we made to surjury I now not sure we talked about and researched enough about dialysis. Sucked the life right out of her and she suffered so much after that, docs told me nothing more they could do and I always wonder if I myself couldn’t of done more.. As my being aty Mom’s bedside, my oldest brother was in same condition and died a month later. I wasn’t there for him at all. Guilt is plaging me.. Having tons of dreams and emotionally drained.Took awhile to come up with funds for my mom’s funeral. And still trying to cover my brother’s cost of burial. I’m been in sever depression since 1998 and don’t like being around people so I only take day jobs to make it day to day. Not looking for pity. Just don’t know what to look for?? Mental health cost to. Any suggestions?
My sister has had 3 losses in a 24 month period. And she hasn’t grieved at all from the first one. I’m very worried about her.we are very close and I’m there for her anytime but I live in a different state. Everytime something happens I’m there. So 24 months ago. My sister and husband lost a dear friend by a heart attack ( 32 yrs old) exactly 1 yr later they lost ( His mom sisters mom in law) very close relationship. There still dealing with these 2 losses. Husband not dealing well with loss of mom.-deniel. My sister hadn’t grieved at all due to husband. Basically dealing with rollercoaster life of loss and 3rd loss very recently there young cat which is my sister’s world just passed away out of the blue. I’m so worried about her. No grieving. The only thing other then sisters and a conditional mom is her pets. I feel this 3rd loss well the last straw for her..Please help me to help her!!! Love my sister!!!
I lost my entire family. I grew up in the same house my entire life. I had both parents and a younger sister, (who had a very rare genetic syndrome) by my side since I entered this world. My parents were married and I was very sheltered. I had a very happy childhood. My father died of pancreatic cancer when I was 18 years old, my mother died from anaphylaxis (allergic reaction) when I was 20. My younger sister died in her sleep in 2018 and I lost my dog 2019 he was 10 years old. I am now 29 years old and very much still grieving and enduring horrendous anxiety and panic. Just wanted to share my story, saying I feel for all of you
I lost my brother a year ago then 9 months later my mum died battling bladder cancer. Had to watch my mum in agony with cancer and knowing there was nothing I could do to help her. This was also right in the midst I f covid-19 and it was the worst experience of my life. Without my mum in my life is horrendous and the emotional pain I feel everyday is unbearable at times. I already suffer with anxiety and depression and have an addiction issues as well.I need some help as the anxiety and depression is causing havoc with my body and I now am struggling to even go out the door. I’ve been sick as well and my diabetes is all ovr the place. Had numerous hypo’s while I’ve been out and has scared me to death. My marriage is crumbling and my relationship with kids us affected as well. Complete mess.HELP!
I have lost my mum, partner,nephew,uncle, aunt in the last year and half and now my 27 year old sister has days left to live my sister is dying of a slow painful death to cancer she has it all over now started with cervical. my sister is by far the worse as the rest were sudden i also have lost 6 good friends in space of 2 years. I am a carer and when someone dies at my work i look after the resident i look after the families and i wash and prepare the resident to go to undertakers and I then go home its takes me a couple of days but then it’s out my mind. 3 of my friends died first then my partner then my nephew then another friend then my aunty then other friend then my mum died then at my mum funeral my uncle took a heart attack then my other friend died a week after that but my point in writing this is i am beating myself up and hating on myself because i loved all these people so so bloody much but I feel horrible even saying this but I feel like i have looked at all there deaths like they are not someone i love with all my heart like they are residents i have looked after I felt emotional for 1 or 2 days then I got on with myour life and strangely i had been on anti depressants since I was 15 years old i am 38 now and have been off them for 3 years my mind set has never been more positive in the fact that losing all these people it has pushed me to live my best life as in going back to college doing alternative medications that I have always wanted to do but was lacking in confidence fot the first time in my life i am not scared to do everything I have ever wished to do which has put me in such a positive head space but then when people ask how i am after losing these people the guilt creeps back in like i should be feeling sad I shouldn’t be coping with there deaths but I am.is this normal behaviour am I losing my mind
I’m 35 and have faced 2 massive griefs this year. My mum, my best friend, my everything passed away in Feb 2020 from cancer. She died at home, we don’t think she was in too much pain. It hurts every day. All I seem to do is cry. I have 2 sons, one who was extremely close to her, almost like a second mum. She had 16 months from diagnosis. We miss her so much. We had to rally around after my dad who had a brain hemorrhage in ‘96 but able bodied. Short term memory was a big problem. He died 2 weeks ago on 15th Oct by a lorry. We went to see him yesterday and funeral on Tuesday. I don’t know how I’m functioning right now. We have until 23rd Nov to give their council house back so have been clearing that. How do I ever feel normal again?
I got diagnosed with cancer early 2017 then lost my dad early 2018 then in March of 2019 I lost my mom and brother 5 days apart..it is still so overwhelming for me..I have lost all interest in life or trying to enjoy life and be happy and move forward..I am angry at what has happened to me and my family and still can’t wrap my head around it all
I lost both my sons in 2020. They were 30 and 33 yrs old. I am lost and cant move on. Josh was shot in the head. They say suicide I know it’s not. My other son Chris hung himself 2 months later. Never could I ever imagine this. In my heart I know what happened. They were arguing and gun went off. My x had my son lie. Chris CV ould not live wa with what he did. The way it all happened the lies . I want to take my life and go to the. Life has haa ended for me. They were my only family my reason for going on. I’m angry and full ll I ever believed I now question. Both my sons in 2 1/2 months. They lived in ShowLow, AZ.
I’m so sad right now! I lost my dad on Boxing Day to Covid. He was all I had left. I lost my sister to cancer in 2014 , then my brother2016 , then my mum 2019 and now my dad 2020. I feel so abandoned and alone. I can’t get rid of the feeling that I’m next. Why am I left alone? This is just too much to bare. I am a single parent with no support and I’m so scared. I miss my family so much.
I lost my brother at 22, he was 27. Hung with his own belt. Grandma died the following year. Then uncle and aunt the following year. Some time went by then my other aunt and uncle passed. Lost my best friend from childhood. Down the road My dad died, next year my sister, then my best friend of 31 years. My niece (from my brother) became homeless and turned on me. Now she has a tbi. After my best friend died my Director of 12 years died as well as my wonderful career. I was degraded and mentally abused by his replacement and fired. (Sovereign property, no rights) then 2 horses the same year I had to euthanize. Then the last death just 3 yrs ago, my mom.. My entire family is gone. Im not even a sr yet. Now, a really good friend of mine is struggling with cancer. If I didnt have my daughter there would be no reason to go on. I couldnt function in life in the professional field. Became a care giver. Last 2 years 2 clients passed. Now I have health issues and its scary.
I just lost my grandma today. I don’t know how to cope. I lost my grandpa, her husband, on May 20th 2020. I grieved for my grandpa for months, I cried every day. By november I had stopped crying every day and only would occasionally. I tried to be positive because I also had university exams. I’m in the middle of another exam session and grandma is gone. This morning I had just asked my mother how she was and last night I had written the names of all the people I’d lost and cared about: Nonno Antonio (her husband). He’s the one I loved the most. I was named after him because he was such a good person and my mum (his daughter in law) wanted me to have his name. The only thing that keeps me going is that they are now together once more. My grandma’s (mental) health rapidly deteriorated after his death. I’ve thought some horrible things. I loved my grandpa a lot more than grandma but I loved her nonetheless. I regret not studying harder – they would’ve seen me graduate from university. That’s a regret that will probably stay with me forever. I know it might not sound important but it is to me. Nonno Peppo – my other grandpa. He died when I was 6 so I didn’t really know him. Nonno Dionisio – he’s not my grandfather (he’s my uncle’s father) but he felt like one to me. I know he cared about me even though I wasn’t his grandson. He did have a grandson many years ago but he died in a car accident when he was 7/8. I think he was saw him in me, I’m not sure. I remember that he didn’t want to sell his sheep, even though he was getting older, because I liked them. Padre Tommaso. He was a priest at my church that held a small ceremony for my grandpa. It was just my parents and my little sister. He died a month after grandpa. Mme. Janine. She was my violin teacher for many years and I saw her as a grandma. I was born and raised abroad so I only saw my grandparents during the holidays. I found out on new years eve 2018. I had called her to invite her to dinner. When no one replied my sister found an article online stating that she had passed away in April. Ciao Nonna Maria, adesso anche tu te ne sei andata. Almeno state insieme di nuovo. Lo so che è quello che volevi.
My boyfriends dad has just passed away unexpectedly. I am trying to do everything I can to help him. If he needs to visit other family members I drive him there and stay for the visits, if he needs to talk I listen. If he needs me I get to him pronto. I am helping on the day of the funeral. But I can’t lie, I am struggling. Not because I don’t want to help him, because I do. The shock has taken me by surprise, as I got on well with his Dad, and seeing so much sadness and anger, whilst having to stay nutural, is hard. I sincerely hope I do not come over as bad in this, as my thoughts are mainly on my man and his family. But is there anyone who I could go to for advice, as the last thing I want is for him to notice my struggle. TIA
Hi my mother died in Feb this year i come from a large family 4 sisters 4 brothers i have closed myself off from them since she died she was the glue that held us all together she was the one person who loved me with all my faults and i miss her so much. My dad died someyears ago and we just got on with it for mams sake so now both are gone i feel Abandoned i feel like a lost child who has lost her daddy & mammy even though i am a grown woman. I am married with 3 children all grown up the youngest is 18 so i at times have an empty house when i do i move out of my bedroom away from my husband i know i am closing myself off from him i cannot bear to look at him he walks into a room i walk out. I cry and curl up when i am on my own I know this is not good but its like i might as well get rid of my marraige of 28 years now because i am going through so much pain why not add in some more. I am lost and i dont know how to move on i go to the grave of my parents then my husband goes to visit his living parents and i resent this i feel i am really going crazy.
Hi. my boyfriend recently went home to attend his brother’s wedding, but the day after the wedding his dad died so sudden and I terribly feel devastated as well. Even if I haven’t met his dad in person I cry at night because I know he was a very good man based on what I’ve observed on how he would constantly call or message my boyfriend. In general I can see he was a very sweet and caring dad to him and they had a good relationship. But I cant help but feel sad especially because I cant physically be there for their family cause I’m still a student and have no source of income and I have no means of money to buy for a plane ticket. As much as I want to be there but I have no money 🙁 And now I feel so guilty that his dad is gone and that I haven’t met him. I should have introduce myself when I had the chance or maybe talked to him over the phone. Its just because I had this constant battle in my mind that if my boyfriend wants me to meet his family he would initiate to introduce me. And now I regret for thinking that way. Much more because before when my boyfriend went home we had this talk that he wanted me to go with him. And yet I dismiss his request because I thought he wasn’t serious. And now all of that happened. Its just so sad. I know this is not about me but I cant help but regret. Plus the fact that I cant be on his dads funeral is driving me insane. Please I dunno what to do. How can I help my grieving boyfriend when I’m far away?
@xtalahh hello .. i dont know if this will help in anyway but you will have to speak to him about it or that regret of what could have been will break everything apart .. i guess i am in kind of a similar situation .. i had a friends with benefits arrangement with this guy .. unfortunatly i fell for him and he must have because very recently we have decided to be girlfriend /boyfriend then his mother died 3 days ago .. i met her once. i did not know he wanted me to become his girlfriend at the time that i met her .. now it is too late.. i have tried to speak to him but i feel he is moving away from me . and this is killing me inside. i have known him over a year and he told me do not feel sorry or worried for me because i have my family around me and i feel he doesnt want me anymore.. that he would rather speak to his friends and family other than me.. and i care so much for him .. i dont know what to do .. i guess that makes me sound so selfish .. but i am lost ..
My 19 year old son passed away two months ago. My nephew who is also his best friend decided to race across a pond.. .my sin drowned… My nephew tried to save him. My youngest son was there…who was very very close to him. I am not only trying to deal with my grief…but I have so much pain and hurt for my other son n nephew. My nephew can’t even look at me. I don’t know how to help him past his grief while also dealing with my own. I have already told him I don’t blame him….that I love him and that I am here for him….but he hasn’t dealt with it at all….any suggestions?
It sounds as though counselling sessions would really help him. You may want to consider going as a family which might help with your nephew’s guilt issues. The CRUSE bereavement charity will have contact details.
My Nan recently passed away after battling dementia for many years. We knew it was coming we urged her to let go in the final days to be with our grandad again who died 4 years ago. I’ve never really gotten over my grandads death but I thought i would be different with my Nan. Im happy they together again but I’m finding myself wanting to be alone I don’t want to be around people asking me if I’m ok do I want a hug and being around people who are sad but at the same time it’s hurting so much I don’t know what to do how to be I just feel so tired all the time I miss them both so much.
Hi, my fiancé lost her mother when she was 16, she is now 30 and we are due to get married in a few months time. She is finding the thought of the wedding really difficult because she knows that her mum will not be there to help get her ready, tell her how proud she is and all the other small things. Overall this has brought up a lot of emotions that have bee surprised for a long time. I would like to know how I can best support her not only now but also once we are married.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last months we’ve become extremely close. hes loving caring and amzaing he has 10 year old daughter whom i love dearly also. unfortunately the mother of the daughter passed away 5 days ago it was very sudden and unexpected. I am so very grateful that he is taking comfort in me and confiding in me. however they separated 4 years ago ( they were together for 11 years) and they had a wonderful relationship, they worked well together for the daughter and still shared a close bond. she had remarried and her husband had passed suddenly also just 7 months ago. anyways needless to say he is taking it very hard he is heartbroken and i am doing my best to keep it together for them. it is just difficult being the new woman in his life and watching him grieve so much for his ex ( i truly and completely understand they shared an amazing bond and she was the mother of his child) but to be honest it is so hard to hear him mourn for her and share all the love he had for her with me. it seems hes almost forgotten all the bad parts of their relationship he once shared with me. before all of this we talked about marriage and me being so perfect for him and now i feel like hes remembering her as being perfect. i don’t know, and i knnow how selfish it sounds but i find myself needing help coping. i love him dearly and i know it is so very soon so maybe this will all change but i need help on my end dealing with him bringing so much of her stuff home and it all overwhelming our lives.
My partner’s father died 4 weeks ago. I am 25 weeks pregnant and he has decided that he doesnt love me anymore and wants to be with his family and friends only. He has said that he will support our baby and me financially but he does not want to be in a relationship with me. I know he is grieving and in a bad way. Do I allow him to leave without a fight or do I respect his decision and leave him to it. I thought we had a great life before all of this and now I feel sad and alone. I want to be the one to support him but his friends are enough support he neeeds apparently. He is partying every weekend and I fear he is trying to meet other women. I am hoping that when the baby is born he will see things differently. But for now I am in limbo.
I have just been in a similar situation., My partner of 20 years has decided he is very unhappy and I have moved out. His father died three months ago. He has changed and I don’t even know him anymore. I haven’t spoken to him in weeks and I can’t believe how he has changed. I don’t know if this is just grief or about us or both, but it hurts.
I lost my wife 8 years ago I thought I was getting on ok! I found another partner after about 2 years we have been married for 4 years we enjoy the same things like fishing and golf and get on well. Every now and then I get so depressed and the feelings I had when my 1st wife passed away keep coming back but this time the feelings of despair won’t go away. I have been on lovely holidays and the feelings of guilt are still there like I shouldn’t enjoy myself. I feel sad all the time. I’m 65 and I moved away from my family I see them every week and I have 5 new grand children and I keep thinking about what she has missed in life seems so unfair I feel like I have run away from them! ;.-(
Hi Ange, I’ve just found this website and was reading the comments. I was wondering if you have had your baby and how are things with the father now?
struggling to cope with my fathers death, my wife attacked me 2 days after he died for no reason.i retaliated and ended up in police cells, banned from family home and now living on friends sofas.living on handouts, cannot grieve because all my anger is directed towards my wife, in court late july what i did was wrong but i was attacked for no reason and verbally abused – wife said to me your father knows what you are really like, anybody give me any advice
My Ray died on the 11th of this month. I am despairing and lonely; after 51 years together how do I survive? My family are very supportive but I am not coping when left on my own – can’t be bothered to clean the house and I cannot go into the garden where we worked so much together. Help!
@ ang. It’s still very early days for you and after 51 years together it is completely natural to feel like you do. Try talking to a breavement counsellor – here’s the number for Cruse Bereavement Care – 0844 477 940. Good luck
My husband lost his son nearly two months ago. I know that he is hurting and that I can never appreciate just how badly he feels. I have tried to be supportive, have been there for him, have done whatever he asks. Sometimes he seems generally ok and then others, he locks himself away so deep that you cannot reach him. He makes being in the same room as him uncomfortable as though you are treading on eggshells around him. He does not speak or acknowledge that you are there and when he does, he is angry, nasty and verbally abusive. I am propping my son up who adores my husband and thinks of him as his father and yet, even he says, he feels so isolated from him. I have no idea what to do but the enslaught of his behaviour is affecting us all. My husband admitted he is missing out on so much family life and yet, he cannot bring himself to be part of it. I know it is early days but living like this is emotionally draining.
Im 20 my dad past away this time last year, through out this year i have had mood swings like something rotten and they have always Beeb about petty things and i seem to take it all out on my boyfriend, it usually happens when special dates are due, my boyfriend has patients and understanding that im grieving but i hate that im doing it and putting alot of stress on him to, how can i help myself from taking it all out on him? Before it ruins our relationship? I feel like i have become selfish and very pessimistic and im worried it’s going to ruin our relationship
Hi my partner of 20 recently lost her brother which i was close to as well iam currently in gaol she is the mother my children and I love very much she recently told me she is leaving and is not in love with any more he past away about 2 months ago and we have been fighting ever since Iam dealing with loss as well my grandmother passed 2 weeks before him Iam really confused and don’t no what to do I don’t no weather to fight for her or just walk away I really do love her and dont wanna loose her but she says some nasty things I some times think she doesn’t mean but they are heart full please any advice would be good
My mother died 10 years ago. After her death I had to stay strong for my 2 younger sisters and my dad. I was at university at the time and continued there without any time off to grieve. I drove home everyday to take care of my sister who was 10 at the time. I made sure she had dinner every night. My father worked long hours because he was trying to keep his business aflot as my mother had been ill with cancer for 5 years before she passed. When she died it was still a shock although me and my father had known for three years she was only given 3 months to live. For those 3 years I waited for the day to come everyday I thought she was going to die. My mother died when I was only 19 and it was a relief that she was not suffering anymore. After university I put my concentration into my career and me and my husband saved for 2 years and then moved to Thailand. It was like I had to keep myself busy and strong and then I had had enough of being strong so I ran away to thailand. In thailand I realised how important my family was to me and moved back to the uk when my niece was born. I then put all my concentration into saving to get married to my husband, we have been together for 14 years and he has been there for me through everything. My personality is controlling, over organised and I have to keep myself busy and around people. If I am in my own I break down and get very depressed. I feel like I have not given myself time to get over the death of my mother. I am now pregnant and I have been very sick. With the increase in hormones and not being able to keep myself busy I think I am depressed. I feel like I will not be able to love my baby and I can’t be happy that I am pregnant. my dad has also not dealt with the death of my mother either. He rushed into another relationship and now neglects me and my sisters. He never calls me, I always have to call him if I wasn’t to speak to him. It’s like he doesn’t care about us now he has a new family. I know he must miss my mum as they were together for over 30 years. My husband also suffers from fits that are cause from stress. I feel I can’t talk to him too much because I don’t want to stress him out. What should I do. I feel like killing myself sometimes but I don’t because I love my husband do much and I believe that way I will not see my mum again in heaven. I also feel like i dobt want this baby that we tried so hard to conseive for almost 2 years. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Help!
My Dad died 9 yrs ago he was 56. Since then I have became a different person. I pushed my husband away, almost ruining our marriage. I had mood swings, cried & cried & cried still to this day. I feel almost lost. I became angry with everyone, numb & felt that emotionally I had nothing left to give. I’m worried that I have done permanant damage to my relationship & unsure what to do next.
My husband’s mother died a month ago after 10 years of Alzheimers and for the last three she has not “been here” if you know what I mean. My husband was very much an ostrich and kept trying to find ways to make her better. His business is also under strain so it is a double whammy for him but the kind, gentle, humorous man that I married 20 years ago has gone. My parents are both dead and he was so supportive when it happened but I am not able to support him as he won’t let me. He has been and still is verbally abusive, unpleasant to our youngest child, won’t eat with us, won’t look at me when he talks, avoids being in the same room as me when he can Work colleagues find him difficult to talk to and he recently paced up and down the lounge tapping his head furiously shouting that he was threatened and that he had so much to do. This was quite terrifying as I thought he was having a breakdown. I so relate to what some of you have also posted and feel better that it’s just not me. However even though I know he’s clearly grieving I do wonder if my marriage is now over as I do not recognise or know him anymore. I will be patient but at some point I will have to make a decision for the sake of my children and my sanity.
My boyfriend’s dad died from lung cancer about a year and a half ago – this is when we were getting together. He goes through phases of being seriously down, and when this happens he is very distant and can not bring himself to talk to me. I don’t question this because I know he is grieving and that he is in a lot of pain and needs time and space. This is when he finds it harder than usual to cope and needs to be alone, this is when everything feels much worse and his emotions are out of control so he must hide away. When this happens, however much I understand why (but not how, I cannot feel or even imagine his pain), I find it heart wrenchingly difficult to deal with myself. It feels like he himself has died and I miss him, and this makes me feel so selfish. The moment I know he is in a down mood I carry around this awful feeling and I find it so so hard, knowing he’s feeling so bad and seeing him like that. It is unbearable. He says he couldn’t of got through it without me, and I know not everyone would of had the patience to deal with the distant phases as they came without warning and were at first confusing as I didn’t quite understand, I was so naive and had to guess at what was going on. It is such an awful awful feeling, and I can’t seem to explain it properly to anybody – I have never met anyone in the same situation. Does anyone else experience this?
It has been 15 months since my husband lost his daughter to cancer. Before and after she died we held together and for 5 months afterwards. Then he came home like a different person, he was filled with anger which was directed at me for the next 6 months together with him being distant. He refused to get help and shut me out, only wanted to see new people. Almost exactly a year to the day his mother died. I still supported him as best as I could. He had begun to get friendly with a woman who had also lost a child and I felt threatened, even asking him if he was having an affair, which he denied. This January for the first time ever I checked his mobile, there were so many messages to and from 2 other women and had been trying to leave me for the one that had lost a child as well. I was so devastated that I left then and there for 2 days until he moved out so that I could think straight. This after 18 years together. As far as I know they are not together now and he is now having bereavement councelling but it is May now and he refuses to come home and instead seems to living in his own world, having now an all consuming interest in photography. I am at home doing extra work and trying to keep up with the bills with very little help from him. At first he wanted his washing etc done but now we do our own housework, he lives in his mother’s house but that will have to be sold at some point. He says he still loves me and he knows he is going through some sort of breakdown and will return at some time in the future. He says he will understand if I cannot wait and accepts that I might divorce him. I truly love this man and the pain his behaviour is causing is crushing mentally and physically. Has anything like this happened to anyone else?
Hi Roo Im pretty much in your situation at the moment. His dad passed away right when we are at the “serious” beginning of our relationship..right after the accident he is actually been talking to me and we managed to go out pretty soon after that, just to have a chocolate and talk about how he was, , beside other small things just to give him some rest from that major thought. But on that very night I when I kissed him I felt he was different, away, buti did not mention anything. .a couple of weeks went on quite normally. .but then again sth got stucked..out of nowhere he just stopped any contact with me..when I asked him why he said he noticed that he’s been ignoring people lately. .but from what I can see, that was and still is valid only for me. .he asked me out but drop the thing there when I asked him when. . I am confused. Probably is because we don’t have a strong base under our feet. .we didn’t have time to build it. .but then again, it looks he maintains this detachment only with me. .since with others lools outgoing, maybe even more than before Tbe only thing I know and that I told him is that I don’t wanna lose him. .time, I’ll give him plenty. .but I feel such an egoist for having requested him what he considered to be my place on his life. .if there is any What would you do?
I lost my husband 11 months ago,i thought i was coping well but recently i been working hard and feeling drained and all my sadness seems to of returned.i sit and cry and feel people dont want to hear how i feel and i dont want to burden friends and family with my problems,i want to feel strong and in control of my emotions.but finding it hard i was married for 25 years and feel all our dreams we had together have gone and i have to think of new dreams for the future but is hard without him,
Hi Roo, I know exactly what you are going through as I am going through it now. I met a guy in March and started dating him. We had good nights out and I even stayed over at his early on. I met his friends and family. His Mum then died a few weeks later. I supported him through this and he said he wouldn’t have got through it on his own. We have started to argue a lot and falling out etc. He hasn’t cried or opened up properly. He has now finished the relationship and I don’t know what to do. Any advice.
I met a guy he was wonderful i knew he had lost his dad to leukemia 2 years before but after 2 months i noticed he suffers from depression, becomes indifferent has phases of anger he says it’s not me and now after a year i can only conclude he is suffering from grief which may have turned into depression, I find it hard dealing with the mood swings as he doesn’t open up and talk about the loss, his family are super close but also cannot talk about it, his mother visits a physcologist as she needs to talk, how can I help him open up , can’t bear to watch this suffering.
Roo I know what you’re going through. My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and known his father for 3. He passed away last November of skin cancer he didn’t tell us about until it was too late. The whole family seemed as though they were in denial during his final stages of his life and when he died, I suppose it was a huge shock. His mother (although I got along with her) used me as a target to let out all her anger after the death which left me hugely upset and felt the foundation of this second family had crumbled, like I wasn’t included in the grief at all. This put a strain on our relationship and because we were temporarily living apart due to job changes, it worsened the situation. Now we live together again but I can’t help but feel he pushes himself away from me, doing things he wants to do like going out and fishing, not doing his coursework, buying things for himself. He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s been rather rude with me, checking if I’m cleaning, saying little things to hurt my feelings. I gave him the ultimatum today that he either gets bereavement counselling or we live apart. I love him to bits and I’d do anything for him, but I can’t hold this burden anymore and he needs to help himself.
i was reunited with my first love in september 2012 after 20 years of being apart, it was like we had never been apart, and both of us admitted we still had the same feelings as we did before, we decided to be together once again, we have 7 children between us mike had 4 from previous relationships, but it was never a issue things just seem to connect together effortlessly, only one problem mike was very ill, even through he never showed how ill he was , always a laugh and a joke with mike and when i was around him the happiness he brought back into my life was flowing from me, and to me his illmess was part of him and i wanted to be part of everybit of his life, it never botherd me, mike had bronchiltus,chronic asthma and sleep apnea,and was waiting a double lung transplant, even through i knew how serious this was, i truely thought we be togteher for a long time, then on the 15th march 2013 we went to bed as normal i woke up to find mike had passed away during the night, they say he died from puemonia, i will never forget that morning and its almost 7 months now and i still fid it hard without him anything that reminds me of him brings me to tears, i stay strong for my children but inside im dying, its getting harder not easier, i miss him so much, and i still blame myself for not knowing he had puemonia, i keep going over things in my head, what did i do wrong?, people ask if im fine, and they talk to me about mike,it dont seem to help me one bit, if they ask me if theres anything i want i tell them yes there is but it will never happen as i can never have my mike back some days agr good but others are really toughbut everyday that goes by is another day closer to being with mike again until then i will keep meeting him in my dreams
My girlfriend just lost her father to a heart attack. They were quite close, and she is very broken up about it, in a daze, isolated, depressed. We are along term couple, although work change forced me to move hundreds of miles away, we have had a successful long distance relationship with visits, and the plan for us to reunite and live together in my new city at the end of April. Her father passed away mid March, and since then our plans have changed. Although she has started to open up a bit in the last couple of days, she does not want to talk about our plans for the move, when it will happen, what is happening with the service, pretty much everything has gone dark. I read a lot of forums about how to help a loved one deal with grief, and can certainly see trademarks of the process in the way she has been. I am trying very hard not to make this about me, she is a very dedicated and committed woman to her man, constant love and intimate conversations are steadfast facets of her personality. However, since his passing the texting has stopped, the i love yous, she does not seek support from me, or include me the most major event in our lives. we used to be a team, through thick and thin, and we have been through some life stresses together before. While i feel immense pain for her loss, I am beginning to feel a doubled loss at how our relationship has become. being currently long distance has also added stress to our situation. I have fears she will not move down, that I am being reconsidered… These are likely not real things, when she does open up for brief moments, i see the woman i love so much, but in between there are long delays in responses to texts (if any response at all), constant deflection of future talk, and elusive answers about day by days. To be clear, aside from initially questioning what was going to happen with the move, I have been nothing but supportive and patient, as painful as that is. I am trying very hard not to let my mounting insecurities overcome the real issue. She is most certainly in the depression stage of grief, where isolation, and singular focus are at the forefront. She has assured me that its not about us, and that its about the current situation, she wants to deal with the estate and get closure before moving. I want to be a part of her healing process so I have taken a step back and do not try to force answers, but rather listen and support her however I can. The difficulty is trying to deal with feeling like my support is not wanted, that I am being left out of the grieving process. I love her immensely and to be cut out with everyone else, it makes me feel a deep loss. She is slowly coming back, even if I can sense her replies and texts are somewhat forced; we were together when I went through a bout of depression, and can at least partially understand her frame of mind. She is probably feeling like my texts are a nuisance at times, and does not want to reply immedi
I lost my mother in December of 2007, prior to that I lost my grandmother in 2003, and my grandfather committed suicide in 2004. For the past 11 years I have been with the greatest girlfriend in the world. I want to marry her, but when the subject would come up I would tell her I wanted to wait till I was ready financially, also i would have a hard time knowing I would not be able to share this with my relatives that are gone. Now 2 months ago or so,my girlfriend told me she didn’t know if she could marry me now. I’ve talked about the underlying problems about my dead relatives. She says I didn’t trust her enough to tell her. Please help!
OK so were to start … my partner and I have been together for 9 years. I work seasonal jobs, ski slopes in the winter and yachts in the summer,When i not working I live with her family, when were apart even when were apart we have a very strong bond with phone calls at least 2 time a week and lots of FB time sharing silly things, we were very close! 11 month a go i made up my mind that she was the one .. I had read signs 2 years before that she was ready to pop the big Q but i have always been intimidated by her farther to ask for her hand, on my last 2 visits to her family home things with her Dad were much more friendly-er. so feeling all confident that it would all be positive, I made plans to ask her on top of the mountain i was going to work at, We would literally have the world at our feet. so Armed with this new confidence and the mother of all engagement ring i was feeling Good. 3 day before our departure her farther passed a way out of the blue .. he was healthy and a doctor and so there was no way any of us we expecting it. I Tried to be understanding that she wouldn’t be able to join me for a couple of months and put my plans on hold. In the end she came out for the last 10 weeks of the season. when she 1st came out this season she was just very quiet, the only thing i could do was just be there for here giving hugs when ever she looked like she needed some loving. Im not a drinker and we both used to like nights in or the odd pint in the pub. Soon she would never come home after work and with a text that normally read “just going out for a cheeky pint” she then started to spend more time drinking with new friends , i would end up cooking meals that would just tit in the pan and then the bin this went on till the last 3 weeks when she turned around and just stated that she thought that we needed to brake up or go on a long brake. she tells me she still loves me and I her, so this was a a bit a shock … to hear that . We spoke for hours and agreed that we would not brake up but on our return home would have more of a hart to hart once we were back to her normality (- her dad). we have been back for 2 weeks and during our chats she tells me she needs space and that i should just go and work the yachts (a job that i don’t like as it means more time apart), that maybe in 6 months to a year we could come back together. she says she doesn’t want to hurt me by snapping at me and getting short tempered but all i want to do is be there for her , to make her life easy-er, I would do any thing for her to the point i would happily do any thing to see her smile so i cant see how me not being there is going to help. she admits its probably desperation but that doesn’t help as i already thought about that …. I have asked my friends but there responses are some what one sided as non of them thought she was good enuf for me but they don’t know her like i do and i cant take there advice seriou
okay… I am not sure where to start. Please forgive me for my typing in english. It started in 2010. I have not seen my mother properly for about more than 6 years. I can’t stand her and I can’t stand the relatives. So much lies and fake-ish behavior to accept me. More likely, I’m the black sheep and the youngest of the family. I came here to america at age 12. Culture shock and all above. Anyway, my father passed away 1995 from diabetic and my mother passed away recently from breast cancer stage 4. My mom’s situation all happened in a month. She passed away within a month after we found out the problem. After her passing, half the relative’s disgusting personalities rises above out of no where. I thought i could handle the grief. But after my best friend past away from cancer and the guy I dated died from a heart attack and my ex husband with 2 girls. He committed suicided and left a note to blame me for leaving him. The grief is un bearable. I had no idea what to do to save my relationship with my little family. My grief is so unbearable in my head. I had to run to the bathroom and let it all out. Now I’m pushing to travel for my 20 year old daughter to go to a 4 year program in college which is a first time in both of my relatives sides. My daughter was diagnosed with adhd and asperger. Which is sooo hard and you have to read so much to understand your child with adhd and asperger. BUt when his father committed suicide after her grandma which is my mother died from stage 4 cancer. It was unbearable. And still does. I just had an argument with my boyfriend because i am not helping with the income. I left work because i cannot stand the politics. (oh forgot to mention) During my mom’s dying from cancer i had to deal with a bully at work and the union cannot do anything about it except me write a letter of complaint to the union which is they don’t respond to me. Till i wrote a letter to the chancellor of our college. Anyway, I got sick of the whole thing. I won he case and hired my replacement and quit. Now I can’t stand to get a job. Or be the positive influence in the family. It’s so hard and I’m so done with life in some ways. Not that serious. I have a daughter who needs me. But how to deal with it?? How to cope my grief? How to get another job with dealing my grief???????
My husband’s dad died on June 7 on the eve of our wedding day which was supposedly on June 8.. it should have been a grand joint celebration since it’s his parents silver wedding anniversary and our wedding.. unfortunately and shockingly, his dad was gun shot (occurring almost 18 shots) on the 7th of June, morning when he was checking the area for our reception.. though we continued our wedding in June 8 but in the simpliest and solemn manner it could be without wearing my gown and also my husband not waering his tuxedo.. to cut this short, now my husband is very numb, we communicate in a Q&A manner which hurts my feelings because its like I’m not his wife.. I understand his situation but I can’t fight the feeling of sadness, emptiness and being unappreciated.. I dont know what to do, i love him so much.. i want to talk to him but i dont know where to start because everytime i do he’s always mad and doesnt want to talk that much…please any advice, Im so confuse now.. 🙁
My dad passed away 13 days ago , he was diagnosed with cancer 5 months ago , We nursed him at home which is what he wanted , so sad and am so worried about my mum iv been with her every day , but she wants to stay at home at night , and I can’t sleep worrying about her alone , I have stayed with her too , but she said she’s ok and for me to go home they is only me and my mum I have no brothers or sisters , is this ok mum on her own x
Where do I start?? My husband’s dad was diagnosed with gall bladder cancer.. it has reached the stage where no operation can help… my husband and I have.not been communicating alot ever since his dad got ill..I am trying to be there for him but even when I try he shows no response. .I’m concern since this has brought about a sudden strain on our marriage and it feels as if we are growing apart… this has led to me feelin unappreciated and depressed and I have no idea what to do or how should I deal wit such situation.any help wil be greatly appreciated.
I lost my mum three years ago to a sudden death. I saw her die right infront of me. I was devastated but i had the support of friends, family and my bboyfriend. Three months ago my boyfriend of 5 years and i broke up. I saw someone else briefly but eventually we got back together. During this period my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and he died a month and a half ago. My boyfriend was very supportive during this time. The past three weeks however i have been feeling very confused and depressed. I have been pushing my boyfriend away and i asked him for space. He couldn’t understand and i broke up with him. We were both devastated but i needed space. We got back together yesterday but i am still not 100% in it. I am still grieving my parents death. I feel weak and lonely and i just want to wait for death. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend. He did nothing wrong. I’m just going through a very bad time and all he can do is be there when I need him to be.
I lost my Dad “Pops” on July 20, 2014. It is so hard to move forward. I don’t know what to do with myself. I talked to him everyday, and now he is not there. I find myself thinking about him all of the time. I was close with my Dad, but not with my Mom, or my sister or brothers. He checked on me and I checked on him, I have no one to talk to. I have been calling my Mom, but she does not answer and she doesn’t call back. I had my cousins in town for a while and that was very helpful. But now I am alone. I miss him something awful. I keep thinking something will happen to make me feel as if he is still around, but so far nothing. I hope this pain and emptiness goes away soon.
@PB. We’re so sorry for your loss. From what you’ve said it may really help you to speak with others who’ve lost a close parent. Take a look at the Cruse website – Cruse is a charity set up to support bereaved people in many ways…you can just email, phone or meet up with others face to face. Alternatively, you may want to try bereavement counselling and the NHS has a comprehensive list of these, searchable by post code. Good luck with moving forward, but never forgetting…
I lost my step dad in June 2013 to cancer and then December the 18 2013 our family was told that my mum had lung cancer, but then on new year eve we were tolled it was small cell lung and she only had a few months to live, my mum died March 25 at 2.00 in the early hour. Since the death and while my stepped was ill I spent alto of time with my mum,my sister I’m more emotionally attached with my mum.ive been with partner 4 years great been there all the way,in his last relationship he lost 4 children they all see him as dad,I’d never meet them before cause of social service,few wks ago why don’t you bring James for the night as felt bad, so he that was a wi ago now the family are asking to have him for the world but I’m not ready for that and he doesn’t understand why and said stop putting down to my mum death
Hello my mam passed away on the 18 th july 2014 , an I feel so angrey an sad , My problem is I don’t believe in my mind she’s go I can’t expect she’s gone . Even though I was at the funeral , my mam had a aneurysm that bleed it was a greed 5 bleed the worst One you can have , my mam was such a lovely Pearson an so caring
@Avon – we’re sorry to hear about your mother. When a death is sudden, you also have the shock to cope with as well as the grief. Denial is a common stage of the grieving process. You’ve shared some of your feelings here, but it would be good for you to have someone else to talk to about what you’re going through. Here is some more information about how to find support. Take care
Hi there, in November 2013 my husband found his 19 year old nephew dead, (hit and run). It was as you can imagine a highly emotional time, and I tried my best to support him through it, but he was very much a closed book, he’d talk about things to a certain degree but then clam up. Anyway time has passed and now we seem to be suffering problems in our relationship, we have been together 15 years married for 6, and have always been the best of friends before husband and wife, but now his sex drive has disappeared and he’s very distant. When I ask he just clams up and says he doesn’t know how he feels. Please any advise would be most welcome. I never want to lose this man, so don’t want to push too much yet I don’t want to not put enough effort in so he feels I don’t care.. I’m really stuck in what to do 🙁 help
I lost my three month daughter to sids 9 months ago its hard to describe how I feel but the pain is worse now than 9 months ago I don’t want help because I don’t want to forget her. Am so scared my life is empty now why did god let this happen
I lost my partner to suicide 14th july am absolutely devastated. We have a 4 year old daughter i don’t have much family as i was brought up in care. And a lot of my friends dont speak to me anymore probably because they don’t know what to say. Feel alone scared confused guilty and angry at him for leaving me in what i can only describe as a wreck. Everything seems to be getting worse everyday!!
Hello, I lost my mother (whom I have not seen for 42 years) about 5 months ago in another part of the world and now I have just lost my Mother -in-Law of almost 40 years which has made me very quiet not to mention of worry of job loss as I have mortgage problems but my wife and both our 2 grown up children do not appreciate what is going through my mind and therefore have been told that I have done nothing to support since my mother-in-laws death a few days ago and now am being ignored and there is no understanding of why I am also quiet however I cannot express myself anymore than I have done and my wife has told me to leave all the running around i.e funeral arrangements to her and not to get involved….I don’t know who to turn to as I feel very angry in this unforgiving circumstance…. Any advice please
I have just lost my mum on 26 june, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 7 weeks previous to this, she had never been sick before. Im an only child snd so was my mum…so we have no close family, my dad died 33 years ago, so its always been me an mum. I have my husband and son (my son is an only child too)….I feel so alone and am so cross my mum was taken away from me…anybody else on their own like this?.I would like someone to talk to who is in the same position…
My bf has recently become a single parent, his ex wife of 13 years died with cancer. He now has the sole responsibility of his two young children a boy and a girl aged 6 and 7. Although I an trying to be there for him its proving really hard and I don’t know what to do. He has become really secretive, doesn’t initiate any communication and does’t seem to car yet says he misses me. I really miss him and the way we were but realise his children are top priority. I have asked him if he wants me to leave his life, he said no but things won’t be like they were. He has also joined Facebook and hasn’t asked me to be a friend which upsets me too. I doing know what to do, any advise please.
Hi to all, Reading everybody’s comments makes me realise I am not alone in the feelings and grief I am going through. I particularly felt great empathy with Michelle Y’s post about the loss of her mother in June to pancreatic cancer. I lost my mum to pancreatic cancer in July this year and know exactly what you are going through. It is putting a huge pressure on my relationship, my husband doesn’t seem to be able to understand or offer me the support I need. I also have a baby to look after which adds to the pressure of it all. I
Hi, my dad just past away yesterday he was diagnosed with terminal cancer ! I am expecting a son with my fiance on the 1st of september and i feel so full of emotions that i don’t really know how to feel! My family are so close and me and my dad had a great relationship! I just feel even tho he has past away i find myself so calm i knew it was coming but not that quick i thought he would be here to hold his 1st grandson ! It doesn’t feel real i cant get it into my head that he is away and i willl never see him again, everyroom i walk into in expecting him there or i feel he will be walking in the door any minuet. I don’t know if i should smile or cry as it my 1st child in expecting but with my dad passing away i have so many mixed emotions and its made me so confused that i just feel so empty and alone and in denial, i just don’t know how to get over this or how to grieve !
My Mum died Xmas 2013 suddenly, she was mid 50s and i was 28. I can’t comprehend that it has happened to this day. I imagine her to be there and she is not. My life now feels empty and pointless. I hope some day that I will feel better again. It is because of her that I keep trying. My relationship has fractured and almost fallen away and I sometimes can’t find it in me to even talk to friends about how I feel as I see myself as a burden. Why has this happened ? I have said prayers to god, lit candles in churches thrown coins into fountains and made wishes that all will be ok but, nothing has happened. Someday I hope to be united with her again, you don’t know what you have until what you have has gone. Life makes no sense.
I too am in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been through so much over 3 years and had finally made it to a good, serious phase. Then in an instant his son had a return of some past troubles with addiction, and his mom died 4 weeks later. We used to spend so much time together, and tried to stay with each other on weekends and do things we enjoyed. In the last 6 weeks we have stayed together 2 nights, and we see each other during the week, but it is with other people or he comes over to help me do chores around the house and then leaves. He is so thoughtful and sweet. And I feel so selfish but I am so lonely. I am trying so hard to support him and listen, but I am afraid that we are not a team and never will be. I think he likes to handle troubles alone, and that is fine, but I’m not sure if he will ever want to be a team. All of his family gathered at the hospital when his mother was very ill (his brother and sister and their spouses, who I spend all holidays with) and he didn’t ask me to go. But then he just goes home alone and is fine with it. This brings back past issues we’ve had of not feeling like I am truly wanted. But he told me this week I make him so happy. I feel confused. I feel left out. I feel sad. I feel selfish at the same time….
@donna. You haven’t said how long you and your boyfriend have been together. It’s understandable that he has a lot of other things to cope with and he is right that you situation is no longer the same. Give him some time and space to work things out and simply make sure he knows that you are there for him if he needs you. It’s difficult, but try not to think of yourself but rather what he is going through. As for the Facebook – have you sent him a request? Try it and then ask directly why if he refuses.
@Al. Thanks for taking the time to comment here especially while you are going through so much. We hope that sharing and reading others’ experiences will help you a little.
Hi. About 3 weeks ago my 4 month old son passed away due to a heart condition. I already had a 2 year old daughter that my boyfriend of 2 years took in as his own. I found my son not breathing and luckily my daughter was staying at her grandmas house that night. My boyfriend works in LA so I had to call him to rush home. It hasn’t been long sense he passed and everyday I experience every emotion in the book. My boyfriend couldn’t handle it and now were both living back at our parents house. We were so happy and in love. He worked hard and supported the family while I stayed home and took care of the kids and fulfilled his every need. I just recently put my daughter in preschool so it has given me time to grieve and find a job. Before he came along I supported my child and I. I don’t know what to do now. My arms are so empty. I stay strong for my girl but within a month I lost my son and the love of my life. I don’t know if him leaving is part of his grieving process and I just need to be patient until he comes back to me. I miss him so much and feel I can’t let him go like he has me. He still tells me he loves me so much but can’t be in a romantic relationship with me ever again. Do I leave him alone or fight for our love. I’m completly broken
My son was accidentally killed by his bestfriend in my home last year. I have married 4 yrs to my husband and I no longer feel anything for him. He is still in love with me and wants affection and to be desired by me. But im not. I don’t know if its because he was his step father and hasn’t shown the hurt. I never saw him cry once. I feel he is selfish to talk about his needs to me. I honestly don’t want to be married to him anymore. I love my step daughters and my 2 biological children who are distant because my son was the glue to our family. Its hard enough trying to be strong for them. Things that used to matter no longer do. Is this feeling towards my husband normal?
My husband lost his sister I’m June 2013. They were the best of friends and they were always talking. She died in a car accident and let behind a (at the time) 4 month old daughter (she’s now 1). She was married but in the middle of the diveroice, her husband was not the father and didn’t want the baby. She didn’t leave a will so there was a custody issue with the baby. His parents are divorced and remarried, they had decided to split custody. But his dad and wife decided to go behind everyones back and seek full custody before she was event in the ground. My husband (rightfully) fought for his mum to have the baby. (She didn’t like her dad and hated his wife.) So his dad disowned him and this hit him as hard as losing his sister. We still have no contact with his father. His mom has custody. It has a taken a tol on both of us she and I were close too. He has started to drink (not excessively) just to sleep through the night he has night terrors other wise. I know he wants to stop but is afraid to do so. I want to talk about her to grieve but he newer dose and he won’t talk to anyone about it I have suggested councilling but he’s against it. This has put a block in communication as a whole causing some fights. What can I do to help him deal with this?
@tausha. Yes it’s normal to feel this way, feelings of blame, anger and disinterest to those close to you are quite common when you’ve been through such a terrible experience. Do not make any hasty decisions, explain to your husband that you need to work through your grief and that you need time. Specialist bereavement counselling may also help both your and your husband to help and support each other over the next few years.
Dad died three weeks ago leaving 3 children my youngest sister has took controll over everything. She arranged the funeral without involving me only found out when it was in the paper.She has not spoke to me or contacted me.I could not get to the funeral due to a recent car accident and my car is a write off. Me and my sister do not speak to each other and my brother just goes along with her.All they see is pounds signs and spending it down the pub .I am the oldest and disgusted at the way I am being treated. When my mum died nearly three years ago our stepdad took control of the funeral and all her money none of us got a penny.They never got married but lived in his mums house after she died and my sister hates me for this.Is there anything I can do
Thank you for your reply, I have been seeing my partner for almost 4 years. The situation is proving really hard, whilst I am understanding of what has happened, it seems he has time for everyone else but me, all the little things he used to do, I.e send the occasional text, he just doesn’t do any more. I feel like I am the one holding us together, he said he didn’t want me to leave his life but I in no way feel like I mean anything to him. If we make a plan to go out for an hour, he leaves it for an about an hour before to find a sitter for the children, which means other people already have plans, yet when invited out by his friends a sitter is arranged weeks before. I don’t want to give up but am I just being taken for granted.
I am Catholic and find since I lost Mum 2 months ago that my faith is calling to me more. I had lapsed and because I was with a partner and not married I was not allowed to receive communion. My mum and dad didn’t feel happy with my partner and knew it was living in sin as far as Catholicism goes. Maybe I feel they are urging me from Heaven to end the relationship and become a Christian and celibate again. The problem is I’m scared of what he ll do. He can be very aggressive and goes crazy if rejected. I know I have to leavd or face judgement in the next life. It is horrific to think day and night. I fear Hell. I am so missing my mum I hate this life anyway but I have to go on. I am praying and talking to some priests
i am going crazy grief is killing me I cannot even talk to people I feel so sad shocked and even more shocked that my best dad in the world has gone no more alive he is not breathing looking around seeing the world change I feel ill that I may see the world change see every thing be different I cannot believe he has gone I am not at all scared of death you never have to worry again, so many sad storeys I heard makes me see there grief even thought they carry on in life I don’t know if I will stop but my dad always said move on forget the past …. I hope I can
Lav TAZ I lost my dad just over 2 years ago. We were very close, he was to me the best dad in the world also. I was beyond sad when he suddenly passed in the most dramatic turn of events. So upsetting, I still have that memory placed securely in a box at the back of my heart – I can’t bear to go there yet. It hurts too much, even now. However, one thing I did learn through all this is that having a father you love so exceptionally does in the end bring you strength and comfort. There’s no purer, more innocent and honest love than that shared between father and daughter. Be very proud that you two shared this rare and precious bond for we are the lucky ones. We don’t have to be sad for what we didn’t have, we know exactly what we had and now its gone. I know you will always be sad that you’ve not got your dad, around, your friend. A million times you’ll need him, and a million times you’ll cry. Those incidental moments are gone but better to have had them, than never at all. I have so many friends that will never know how good this bond is – even now with fathers alive. I think that’s sad, I feel sorry that they can’t see it, can’t have it, won’t know it – we know it, knew it, and had it. We adored our dads, and they adored us right back – even more. How special can one person make you feel – we know! Remember that when you feel sad. You’re dad will always want you to feel special and the best. Be proud of you and your lovely dad, and when you need him… let him in. It will probably make you cry, it will probably hurt all over again but somehow he feels close again, just for a moment. Just remember his hand on yours, or his hugs, remember how good and true that love felt. It doesn’t go – we just have to work a little for it that’s all. It’s not anywhere near the same, I know. I wish like mad I could feel his big warm hug, His silly phrases he’s say. I wish everyday all these things but I also thank my dad for being so awesome, for treating me as his mate as well as his daughter. I thank him that he did put me on a pedestal and make me feel like the best girl in the world, I thank him for taking me seriously and doing junior cricket coaching with him, I thanks him for always letting me have the last word, and I thank him for being a daft sod. For all those things I thank him because that’s what defines me. I now know how I want my little girl to be with her daddy. I adore that my husband is now carving out his relationship with our daughter because I want my little girl to feel this good, honest love. I want all this for my daughter and her father. We are lucky that we have the strength if our dad’s love, because he never stopped loving you, he’s just not around to tell you everyday. His love, it doesn’t go or even fade – you just have to feel it, and that’s the bit that’s hard because feeling means opening up. As time goes on you’ll get stronger and bit by bit you’ll open up a little more
@LAV Taz. This is perfectly normal and your dad was right to a certain extent. You cannot dwell on the past, but nor should you keep trying to visualise a future without your dad as it will just reduce you to despair each time. Write down some of the happy memories of your times with your father if you can’t bear to talk to anyone else about it. Take each day as it comes, but plan to fill part of each day doing something very specific…maybe even something new that you’ve never done before. That way you may eventually get something that will occupy the part of your mind that is so full of grief. You will never forget your dad but the pain will gradually ease. Do try and talk to someone else as well when you feel you can – as this is often a good way to get through the worst times.
Hi all,my dear brother died June 17 2014 in a diving accident whilst on holiday in Gozo.He helped one of the group but she to died.he was 59 but our very own Peter pan who never seemed to age,I’m so lost without him,I wnder how I can possibly go on without him. I operate,switch smile on etc etc but when on my own this over whelming grief is unbearable. We were close,he was always there for me & everyone. I have another dear brother we are also close but it’s different . He left 3 sons who I know are struggling aswell but I don’t see them only txt or call. His funeral was an incredible day but just seemed like we met up with all these lovely people who knew Nigel to talk about him & certainly no closure for me or my other brother.it was a humanist funeral & was right up his street as he was never a relgious man. I was next of kin for him so had the call from one of the diving group,each week I count down to the time the accident happened & try & imagine where he was what he was doing etc. I dread what life will throw at me now,how I will get through ,my husband I love to bits but Nigel was always always there for his kid sister. Sorry to go own but need to I suppose !
@AJ. Thanks for sharing your experiences and don’t worry about ‘going on’ and yes you do need to! It’s good that you recognise that. Let your husband support you and try and focus on getting through each day for now. Share happy memories with your other brother and maybe make arrangements for an annual memorial time where the two of you (and maybe other family/friends) can get together and remember Nigel.
Hi i’m crystal and my boyfriend recently went home to attend his brother’s wedding, but the day after the wedding his dad died so sudden and i terribly feel devastated as well. Even if I haven’t met his dad in person I cry at night because I know he was a very good man based on what I’ve observed on how he would constantly call or message my boyfriend. In general I can see he was a very sweet and caring dad to him and they had a good relationship. But I cant help but feel sad especially because I cant physically be there for their family cause I’m still a student and have no source of income and I have no means of money to buy for a plane ticket. As much as I want to be there but I have no money 🙁 And now I feel so guilty that his dad is gone and that I haven’t meet him. I should have introduce myself when I had the chance or maybe talked to him over the phone. Its just because I had this constant battle in my mind that if my boyfriend wants me to meet his family he would initiate to introduce me. And now I regret for thinking that way. Much more because before when my boyfriend went home we had this talk that he wanted me to go with him. And yet I dismiss his request because I thought he wasn’t serious. And now all of that happened. Its just so sad. I know this is not about me but I cant help but regret. Plus the fact that I cant be on his dads funeral is driving me insane. Please I dunno what to do. How can I help my grieving boyfriend when I’m far away?
I recently returned from my first holiday with my partner and while over their he received news that his childhood best friend had been killed in a tragic bike accident at first he was very accepting of my comfort but now he has become more reserved and barely speaks. I know it’s nothing personally at me but I don’t know how to comfort him or how to act around him. As he has no expression on his face. I worried he’s stuck on that day he was told about his friend and can’t move forward even a little bit. Please help me give him some support and help to move forward positively
I lost my mum 9days ago to a terminal brain tumour, I feel so lost. I sometimes think I can cope by trying to pretend life is normal and that this hasn’t actually happened, but then it hits me like a tonne of bricks. I worry so much for my dad who has no other family but I have to move to another part of the country to be with my fiancée. I am also finding it hard to be around other people who all seem so normal and don’t seem to understand what I am going through or even bother asking how I am feeling. This is particularly the case with my fiancées family, who have always treated me poorly and have been so cold. My mum passing away has not changed things but this is creating so much fraction and arguments between myself and my fiancée. I feel that I can’t help but be angry and snap at him! How can I control how I feel? Thanks.
@Laurzy. You are doing the right thing by being there for him. Some people cannot even face up to their grief themselves in the early stages and so blank it out – but appear outwardly as if they’re in shock. If you can persuade your partner to undertake some kind of grief counselling or to talk to others who were close to his friend, this may help him to start to open up. Read through some of the other articles on this site for alot more help and information about counselling and also the stages of grief that people go through.
I lost my brother on 1st June 2014 in a car accident, the very same day when I was celebrating 3 years relationship with my partner. I could never imagine that the happiest day of your life can turn into the worst in a second. My brother was only 36 years old, had two lovely daughters and was an incredibly talented man. He was my boss, my mentor, my best friend. And I was the closest person he had as he told me many times in the last year before his death. It was so sudden that left us all totally devastated. We were supposed to get married with my partner on 28th June 2014 and my brother was going to be my witness. I told him on 1st June 2013 the day my partner proposed that I want him to be my witness, he was the first person I told about our engagement and he was over the moon for us. It is probably a destiny, what else that he dies on our anniversary. My mother had collapsed and almost died after the funeral, it was a very difficult experience. We got married as initiated because we knew my brother wouldn’t have wanted us to cancel the wedding. I’m not sure if it was good or bad idea, we just did what seemed to be the right decision at the time. My parents were trying really hard but it was too emotional for them. I can see in most of our wedding photos how devastated they were. My dad was telling me all the time that this is the end of everything that it shouldn’t have happened etc. I wouldn’t wish this to any future bride to be. I always considered myself to be an emotionally strong person, I am coping now. The worst is, just over 4 months after the death, nothing is getting better, things are only getting worse. I’m crying more and more often now, I hardly socialise, take everything too personally and can’t see much positive in the future. Although we are now trying for a baby with my husband who has been and supportive throughout the whole time and I can’t imagine not to have him near by to go through anything like that, I am not sure how emotional and demanding the whole pregnancy experience it is going to be for me. I know we need to move forward and look forward to something new but the thought that my brother won’t be there to see the child, he will never be around Christmas, when his daughters graduate or have their wedding, that’s something I can’t get out of my head and don’t know how to cope with. I miss my brother more and more every day. As my boss and owner of the company I worked for, he always believed in me and taught me lots and lots. It’s never going to feel the same again, I am never going to be the same and don’t how to deal with it. My only hope is that the time is the best remedy.
LOST MY PARTNER 5 WEEKS AGO SUDDENLY HIS FAMILY DONT BOTHER WITH ME
hi im lucy umm.. well i have this sexual partner who started out as friends with benefits. recently we have decided to become boyfriend /girlfriend. we have known each other for over a year. they have lost their mother 3 days ago .. i try to help and be patient but i feel they are moving away from me. i care so much but they tell me not to as they have their family .. can someone please advise on what i should do ?? thankyou
Desperately seeking advice, a complicated situation, I have been seeing a man with two young children for almost four years. This relationship originally began before he had separated from his wife, although this was in the process, whilst this was happening his wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and died this summer. He now has sole responsibility for his two young children. Our relationship was great from the off until his wife’s death, I have supported him throughout and been there for him to listen to him. I understand his grief and that his children come first, but recently his guilt has hit him so badly, although he was leaving his wife when we met he now is so emotionally guilty that he was seeing someone, me, before he had actually left and says what would they do if they ever found out what he did to their mom and feels he can’t go on with our relationship. I am crushed, my heart is breaking, part of me says let him go if I love him and sort his life, but I can’t I love him so much. Please advise why would he end something so beautiful. I never expected or expect to come before his kids. Heartbroken for him and me. Please help
@helen. There’s not much you can do in this situation. It’s something he will have to work through in his own time. Read through the articles on this website and you’ll get a feel for the stages of grief that people go through. You may be able to then go back to him with some support or realise that staying away is the best policy.
Jan 2014 my fiance’ left me with all intention of returning but he didnt and ended things on the 11th he is now on his third rebound and just proposed to her. Anyway my issue is his mums just died and his dads rang to me to tell me and invited me to the funeral now the ex has said to his family he would prefer it if i didnt go i dont know what to do
@Sammie. You need to talk to your ex and your ex’s family in person. If you knew his mother well, then of course you would like to attend her funeral, especially since her husband has specifically asked you.
@Never the same again I am so truly sorry for your loss, I can only hope time will help you get over such a massive loss in your life. A baby will also help when the time is right as it gives everyone hope and something to focus on again. Our baby has brought us a bit of light on very very dark days. My thoughts are with you.
Following the death of my bf’s ex-wife during this summer, he now has the sole custody of his two young children but this week he has told me he can no longer be my bf as its too difficult but doesn’t want to lose my friendship. We have been together for 4 years and I am gutted. I can’t understand why he would want to do this, we have had a great relationship throughout the four years and I thought he loved me, how can someone end something that was good. I am trying to understand but am struggling and don’t know what to do, should I walk away or give him a bit of space but stay in touch? Any advice would be appreciated.
@Lin. He will probably be trying to focus on the children – they’ve all been through a tough time and the children will need a lot of his attention. Maybe he feels he will not be able to do this at the same time as committing to a full on relationship. He does still want to be friends, so it’s not something you’ve done. Give it some time and see how things develop.
It just so difficult, I know he is going through a lot but am struggling to understand if someone loved you wouldn’t they try to work it through, I don’t put him under any pressure, try to fit in whenever he wants me to. I feel that maybe the last 4 years meant nothing. I have to say I am totally gutted.
My wife lost her father suddenly 9 months ago then 6 months ago her mother was diagnosed with incurable cancer I am trying to be there for her and keep things going she was exceptionally close to her father and she is to her mother obviously I don’t know exactly how she must be feeling but my heart aches for her everything I say seems to be wrong everything I do seems to be wrong I know she doesn’t mean to blow up at me but I feel so helpless and awkward it is a very awkward position to be in as I want to help but obviously know there is not a lot I can do or say to make things easier I just don’t know what to do
@Darren Holland. Just keep being there for her and supporting her. Everyone reacts to grief in different ways and the snappiness is probably a result of her frustration at a situation over which she has no control – to two of the most important people in her life. You may be able to identify some of the things that you do or say that affect your wife the most…ironically it may be that the sympathy and words of support are what provoke it more than anything else. Try continuing as you were before – doing practical everyday things, but just make sure she knows you’re there for her when needed.
I have been with my bf for just over 4 years, he has recently had a family bereavement and his life has changed because of this both at home and at work. He seems fine with everyone else except me and has now said he can’t carry on with us despite us being very happy before this happened. I have been there for him throughout and its only in the last few weeks he seems to have changed towards me, he says he struggles to see me but wants to remain friends, I don’t know what to do, is it grief, depression or does he just not love me any more. Heartbroken
@meg I am going through this also. My boyfriend recently lost his mum and he is incredibly distant from me. I love him dearly and it almost feels to me like my boyfriend died too the day his mum passed away. He is spending time with his friends and rebuffing all of my efforts to be with him, or be there with him. Before the bereavement he told me how he had never felt happier, how I had finally given him the safety and security which he needed. I have left him a Christmas gift with a note saying that I’m thinking of him. Don’t feel heartbroken Meg, although it is the only way you may want to feel. I too feel the same. But part of the grieving process means that sometimes the bereaved push when they should pull. Your boyfriend loves you and appreciates you I’m sure. But at the moment he probably feels like he has to push you away because of how close he is to you. If he isn’t feeling close to you then he can’t lose you and experience this same grief again. I hope you both get through this. You are in my thoughts. I’m sure in time he will come round and reach out to you. Just check in on him every now and then. Ask him if there’s anything you can do, and ask how he feels. Most of all, try and stay happy. That’s what I am trying to do each day by focussing on what I have rather than the sadness of my situation, which is similar to yours.
@anon – thank you for your lovely reply. I have to admit I do feel really down about it, its as if its all my fault. I thought that he loved me and the four years we were together meant something, it feels that it didn’t, how can someone stop or choose not to love you so easily. He says that he has changed and to be fair he has. We used to text each other randomly loads each day just little things about our day, this was throughout the four years now he hardly responds and never initiates but can find time to spend interacting on Facebook with others. If I didnt contact him I think he would just completely forget I existed. I try to think happy but I am dying inside. I hope everything works out well for you, it would be nice to hear from you again. All the best
@meg I can fully sympathise with everything you write. My boyfriend has time to communicate with others, but not me. It really is heart breaking. I read through our old messages from before the death and everything was oh so perfect. It tears me apart. I don’t think that my boyfriend doesn’t love me. He used to tell me and I know that he meant everything he said. I truly believe that it is a case of a bereaved guy pushing away someone very close. I suspect your boyfriend is doing the same. As I said earlier, if he isn’t feeling close to someone then he probably feels like he won’t get hurt again. It’s all just so sad. I’m sort of scared too that my bf will forget me if I don’t maintain contact. I check in on him every few days. Even if it’s just to ask how he is feeling. Hope to hear back from you. Just speaking about it to someone who is going through the same makes it feel so much easier to deal with.
@meg by the way, if it would help to chat more and you’re comfortable posting your email address then I’d be happy to chat with you offline. Take care.
@anon – for some reason I have tried to post an email but it won’t post.
@meg that’s OK. I’m checking in here if you still want to discuss or talk about anything. I know it’s hard but remember you’re not alone.
@anon – thanks, will do, shame we can’t email privately. Hope to hear from you soon, have a good new year 🙂
@anon, hi just wondered how things are?
@Meg. Hi, sorry I haven’t replied in a while. Well things aren’t great but I did get to spend time with him over last few weeks. Although not often. Things are definitely over between us. It doesn’t stop me caring. I just want to see him back on his feet soon. Whether that is with or without me. How are you? And how are you holding up?
@anon and @meg. Hope you are both doing well? We can try and get you connected to email privately if you like? But this is a good way of continuing to communicate anonymously and is also of help to others in similar positions.
@facing bereavement and @anon. I have tried to posr t a comment twice but neither of these are showing, not sure why. If anon is happy to privately communicate to by email that would be good.
Hi i have been reading thow is form and i see alot of people going thow some wot the same as me i have not been with my gf for a number of weeks now she got told 6 months go about here grandad had lung cancer i was so shocked but could not show my true feeling to my gf to my loved one as i tryed my best to stand stroge for her and be there for her no matter wot . Also at this time i did not no i so suffering with bipolar in my self i never new i wos so ill in my self i did not no wot to do i could no cope with watching my gf go thow with but at that time i could not cope with my self. Now i still want to b there for her no matter wot i just feel hopeless in all this i just wish i has getting the help b4 so i could have been a beater person and b there for her but i don’t no where to start on all this people have been saying time will help but i just want her to no i am there for her in this very sad sad time can anyone help me in this hard time hard
@facingBereavement and @meg I would be happy to communicate privately via email if we can facilitate.
@facing bereavement – if you could try to connect myself and anon by email that would be great, we can also post here anything which might help others going through the same. Thank you
@so so lost. What a sad situation. You sound like you’ve been through a lot yourself whilst still trying to support your girlfriend. It’s sometimes difficult to explain things face to face – perhaps you could ask someone else to let her know how you’re feeling and how much you think you can help her now. Alternatively, write her a note and explain (as you have here) what’s happened and how you feel in a good position to be there for her and to try to make things easier for her. If you can, get someone else to read it to be sure that you’ve written it in such a way that she cannot misconstrue the meaning behind. You may also find that writing it all down, will make you feel better and stronger yourself. Take advantage also of the many fantastic bereavement charities around – you may find that they can give you advice on how to act with your girlfriend. Good luck and take care of yourself.
@meg and @anon. I have emailed both of you using the email addresses you put on the comments form. Yes, it would be great if you could also continue to post here occasionally if you have anything that would help our other readers.
@facing bereavement – thank you. Nothing has come through on email as yet but will check again later 🙂
Please can I have some somebody’s email address for advice on a situation that has recently occurred in my life. Thank you
@nanc. Unfortunately we cannot give out email addresses or consult individually with readers. If you post an anonymous question here, hopefully one of our readers (or we) can post a helpful response.
Hello i lost my last parent my mum almost 2yrs ago We lived together all of my life (I’m 47yrs old) i’m all on my own for the 1st time in my life i’m still haviing lots of problems dealing with my grief, i have periods of intensive emotional pain thoughts of ending my life i’m trying to find a therapist who specializes in bereavement, I live in (warrington) Cheshire but i’m willing to travel so please can anyone help me find a suitable therapist to help me deal with my grief
@knobby. If you call in to your loca Citizen’s Advice Bureau, they will be able to provide you with a list of bereavement counselling services in your area. Otherwise a search engine search on ‘bereavement counselling Warrington’ will bring up some useful results. Take care of yourself and we hope your pain will soon ease.
i lost my little sister to leukemia the week before christmas. she was only 26. i miss her so much i dont know what to do. im trying to stay strong for my daughter and my boyfriend and for everyone at work but i just cant stop thinking about my sister every second of every day. i feel like everybodies fed up with me ‘going on’ about it but i cant help it. i was with her when she died and i cant shake the images from my head. i dont want to feel like this anymore. would counselling benefit me?
@melly. Yes it does sound as though counselling would help you. It’s good that you feel you can talk about it rather than bottling it up and do not feel that people will be fed up of you – they’re probably just sorry that they cannot do more to help you get through this pain. Do not expect the pain to go away immediately.counselling will help a great deal but the grieving process is a not a short or easy one. One day you will be able to think of your sister without the all consuming pain that you are feeling at the moment. You can find a bereavement counsellor by asking at your local Citizen’s Advice Bureau or via your local GP. There is also a directory of bereavement counsellors here.
hi, my partner has recently lost a brother from a car crash. she is grieving badly after two weeks of what seemed to be her coping well considering, feel it suddenly felt real. ive been trying to help in as many ways as possible and even just had some silent evenings as it seems to help her. thing is its affecting our relationship and I don’t know if she has lost interest in me from all this or if this is normal behaviour. when I say I love you, she never replies back with I love you anymore. she doesn’t want to kiss or any affection. I feel ive lost my partner in all this. she didn’t want me round to see her for days and she doesn’t even texted or call, is there anyone who has felt the way she has before when grieving and please could you help me to understand the reasons to why? 🙁 would mean so much to get some honest advice. loves her so much and thankd
@struggling2015. This is a very common reaction as you’ll see from some of the other comments here. You may find some solutions and support in the comments below, but your alternative may be to seek out information from the many bereavement charities and organisations. If you feel strongly about your partner, it may be case of simply being there when needed and not expecting much in return for the time being.
Any particular good charities and what help do they offer? I’m trying so hard to be there for her. I did the brave thing today to ask her if she loves me. Answer was I don’t know. How do you take this response from someone you feel so much for? I’m struggling to go to my job and have had so many temptations to end things. I feel so lost and desperate. I was in tesco when I asked her and I had tears in my eyes in front of everyone as it really hurt me. I don’t think she knows how much she means to me. I want an end to all this already. How much longer does this ask for? I can’t do months or more. I’m not just missing her but also her boys. Killing me inside out and I wpuld give everything to see her happy and her old self. Misses her more than life itself. Sorry if I sound selfish but i feel trapped and desperate
@struggling2015. Here are some support groups and charities that may help:
Cruse bereavement charity
Macmillan bereavement support group
Royal college of psychiatrists bereavement information
Supportline.Org
Muchloved.com
@Struggling2015. I am feeling so much of what you are going through. My husband lost his mother about a month ago. She had cancer. Although he loved his mother, he had a complicate relationship with her, as did I unfortunately. My husband has thrown so much of his anger and bitterness towards me. He told me I failed because I couldn’t understand his mother, even though he knew the stuff she sadly put me through when she was alive was cruel. Anyway, he’s told me he will never speak to me about the loss of his mother, that I cannot support him and that he will not turn to me because I’ve screwed him up. People I have turned to are shocked at the words he’s thrown at me and the first thing that comes to mind is that actually much of this is not about me bit more about his relationship with her. its so so difficult to be around your partner who you love, who you want to support, yet they shut you out. All I want to do is comfort him through this awful painful experience. But I’m just not allowed in at all. I get lukewarm affection on very rare moments. He’s just withdrawn from me, yet with others he’s communicative and laughs. I’ve tried to talk and to try and open a dialogue but I get shouted at and blamed for his need to not speak. He’s been downright cruel even. I wonder whether he actually wants the marriage to end, he says that I shouldn’t worry about our marriage and that his life is incomplete without me. Yet his behaviour is the opposite. I feel he doesn’t even want me around with how withdrawn he is. He even asked me to leave him last weekend, which i had to do. I was forced to stay in a hotel for the weekend. he sounds relieved that I am going to my parents for this weekend. I am seriously wondering if this marriage is over and that is killing me. How much of the anger do you allow? How much of an emotional punching bag do you allow yourself to be, before you realise that actually this is something else more than grief? I’m trying to be patient. But I’m just being treated like I’m nothing. I’m trying so hard to give him support but he just does not want it.
My former mother in law no longer contacts me because I had the locks changed. Having to arrange a time suitable for me took away power. My former inlaws kept checking up on me to “make sure I hadn’t done anything stupid” This stopped after about a month after my husband passed away. Someone pointed out that most wills state that the beneficiary must survive 28 days so if I hadn’t done “anything stupid” they wouldn’t contact me. With childfree couples especially the inlaws resent you being the surviving spouse. They probably have been hoping you would pass away before your spouse so they could have their brother/uncle/son back and be eventually in line for the house etc. This sounded so cold and harsh but it’s logical and helped me understand. I would strongly suggest to any one starting out not to make an emotional investment with your in laws as you will never be part of the family
My partner has just lost her mum. To whom she was very very close. I find it frustrating and quite difficult that I cannot do more for her during this difficult time. I ask her regularly if she would like hugs and how she is feeling but I am scared that she finds it difficult to talk to me but she can to her friends. Empathy can only go so far and I love her to bits but I must remain calm and strong
@coops. You’re taking the right approach. We hope this site and the comments below are useful for you.
@Rims – My boyfriend’s father is dying and he has been absolutely hateful and cruel to me. Much like yourself I would like to be a support, but even that idea has been scoffed at. I have suggested giving him some space, but i’m supposedly selfish. Any references at all to my needs as a human being are replied to with ‘my father id dying. You’re so selfish.’ Last night he said he wanted to get married and have kids and this morning he said he thinks I should leave. It’s all very wearing and i’ve resorted to taking beta blockers because of the nerves. He is constantly being awful about my father (my father having been really rude to him when we first met, however made up for it by writing a lovely letter) and completely abusive verbally, to the point last weekend I thought we had passed a point of no return in terms of trust. It’s awful. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. In fact it’s gone past reasoning with him on any point at the moment. I do understand what you’re going through even though we’re not even married! I also wonder how long can I be the punch bag, how much is fair to take etc. and the only way I can think of helping is staying with parents during the week and seeing him at the weekends, however this might not work if you have children. I have enrolled in some counselling – perhaps that might help you? Or try not helping him so much. Just go through the motions for a while: be there for him, but don’t try to feel useful/ helpful. make dinner, go to bed early etc. This won’t last for ever and I suppose this is what strong marriage is based on. Try and step back a bit and if you can create a bit of space then that might be the best thing – that’s what i’m going to do. Take some initiatives in terms of creating space between you. Wish you the best of luck.
I had been best friends with my partner for 4 years then when her mum passed away we got together, we have been together nearly two years now. She was extremely close to her mother and I feel like I am becoming her punching bag. I know there is no time limit on grief and I want her to cry,get angry when she needs to but we can be having a wonderful day or weekend and then suddenly she becomes a different person and she shuts down, gets extremely moody, says hurtful things and then stops talking to me. I just dont know what to do, she talks about her other partners and how life was easier then as she hadnt lost the most important person to her so her relationships were easier? I love her more than anything and when we are good we are amazing but when shes bad its destroying.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 yrs. his father died 20 yrs ago, his older brother 7ys ago then 2yrs ago he lost his other brother and best friend. At Christmas he lost his mother:((. He has had a difficult few years. I am finding it all so hard now, he has turned on me again. He is verbally abusive saying he is only with me cos he feels sorry for me, that we clash, I am only out for what I can get. He even put a tracking device on my car trying to find out if I was being unfaithful. Which I am not. He says he wishes I was so it would be easier to finish with me. Apparently I am making his life a misery and making him ill. I’m so upset and confused it’s making me feel worthless that I must have not been supportive or a nice ? He now has said he’s had enough and fed up of trying to get rid of me. Yet we’ve had a nice few days together before this eruption. Now he won’t speak to me or reply to a text he’s acting like I don’t exist to everyone else he’s happy helpful he offers to do everything for anyone He has done this to me twice before. I cry and cry as I adore him and feel I’ve lost my friend and soulmate. He started going to grief counselling last week. I’m thinking that this behaviour is grief coming out? Everyone has said give him space leave him alone don’t contact him which I’m doing don’t know what to do for the best
@ellie. This could be the impact grief but you don’t deserve to be treated this way. We don’t know all your circumstances but agree with your friends, that space is what will help either way.
My partner lost his best friend suddenly 2 weeks ago and I’m at a loss everything is my fault and he is nice to everyone else , I get to horrible to your nearest and dearest but I’m here to help even in the silent way
My best friend of for more than 10 years lost her husband a year and half ago very tragically in an accident. He was also a very close friend to my husband. We visited often and traveled together as couples. She also lost her sister and a very close aunt to cancer all within the same year of her husbands death. My husband and I spent many hours with her helping her with her business and visiting her often. I would call her daily. The last 3 months she has being pushing me away, sometimes saying spiteful And mean things, cancelling last minute, and sometimes becoming very angry with me for trival things. The last time we spoke she told me it was to hard to be around me because I reminded her of what she does not have. A day later she cancelled a planned outing. I got the strong sense from her she wants me to bow out of her life. I have not spoken to her since thinking I need to give her some space. It has been 2 weeks since we’ve spoken, usually we talk every 3 days or so. I’m at a loss of how to support her and am terrified of losing my best friend.
@Pat. What a sad situation to be in. While your friend may need your support, it’s hard for you to continue to give it if she’s rejecting you. Try some of the bereavement support forums for some specific ideas on how others have dealt with this. Or maybe someone who has been through something similar will be able to post here with some suggestions. You could try leaving a message on her answerphone, dropping her a note or sending a text/email – just say something along the lines of ” I know you said you didn’t want me around, but I just want you to know I’ll always be here if you need me”. After another couple of weeks suggest meeting and doing something that you didn’t do before your friend’s husband died – something completely different. Hope it goes well.
Following the loss of a member of his family my bf of 4 years decided that was no longer in love me. We had been completely happy up until the period of grief started. He decided that he needed space and during this space time met someone, another women, who knew what he was going through. I am struggling to understand how someone can love you and want to be with you one minute then decide they don’t and seek someone else. Is this relating to grief, depression or can people fall out of love from a single event. He has changed everything in his life including me, its almost like he wants to remove the past. Any advice would be appreciated.
My partner found out he was being made redundant in January this year, at the time this put an immense strain on our relationship as his mother had dementia, he was due to finish work in a fortnight then on Tuesday his mother died. He isn’t sleeping and cries on and off but he is getting angry about the funeral not being good enough as he feels that all the plans aren’t complete. He is shouting at everyone including me, if I suggest something I am wrong and I am finding it difficult to cope, I have just rowed with him after I said I wanted to get out for an hour and have a coffee by myself to give me respite and he got angry. I have tried to help but feel like giving up
@Sinic. Please try and get some help from an organisation that offers people direct support for this kind of thing. Your husband is struggling with two extremely stressful events in his life and you are on the end of this. Organisations like Cruse are really good for this. There are also lots of organisations that help people move on after being made redundant. Look into some of these for advice on how you can help your husband with the next phase in his life. Try and be supportive even though it’s difficult. Looking back in a few months, your husband will be appreciative of this.
@Laura Yes, that can happen from grief. My brother died almost 12 years ago. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. I had been with my boyfriend for one year when my brother died. My boyfriend and I stayed together but suddenly our relationship was different because I was so terrified to lose anyone close to me. I didn’t know how to deal with this and my boyfriend didn’t know how to comfort me. He’s not an emotional person like I am. My boyfriend and I stayed together and I got pregnant 6 months after my brother died. I was still so distraught by my brother’s death, that I didn’t even know how to love my child without being terrified of losing her. Of course I love her, but that fear is so strong…it took over. I developed ptsd and lived in constant fear of dying and leaving my child without a mother, or losing my child. My boyfriend and I were married 1 1/2 yrs after my brother died. We kept trying to make it work. There was so much good with us but I didn’t realize how much my brothers death really was affecting all of me. I lost myself. It has now been almost 12 yrs since he died. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and married for 10. We have 3 children (10, 7 & 2). The reason I write all of this is very important… I have been through the most intense struggle for the past 12 years. I’m constantly trying to better myself and become more present. It’s so hard to get out of my ADD, anxiety filled, ptsd brain and be present! But I’m getting there. I’m finally “at peace” with his death, but the things I’ve done since he died aren’t good. I fell out of love with my husband and questioned everything about us. I did things I never should have. What I really should’ve done is left when I first felt these feelings, instead of dragging him through all of this with me. I have no idea how he stayed!!! It’s because he loves me…he truly loves me. But what’s sad is that I don’t know what it feels like to love someone like that…or at least I haven’t felt that since my brother died. My brain shut that switch off in fear. I’m learning how to turn it back on, though. Moral of this story…at least he realized it and let you know now…and not 12 years later once he has destroyed your heart in the process of trying to find his again. I don’t know if that helps you at all. I hope it does in some way. It isn’t anything bad against you. He didn’t leave you cuz you’re a bad person. He left, I’m guessing, because he felt so lost and it seems easier to run than to face all those dark places. I wish you the very best!!!
@ashley333, thank you for your reply. I just find it difficult to understand, everything was great between us, how can he stop loving me for no real reason but move on and love someone else so soon and so easily. I have to admit I am heartbroken and just don’t understand.
i am in a relationship with a man who lost his wife 3years ago, and has children with her. I was fully supportive and now it seems that being supportive was a mistake, I hear about his wife constantly and no I seem like I don’t matter. am I being selfish, compared, and he says my “wife” and I am not acknlowegde as a living being with feelings. I hear of all his storys but seems like ours don’t matter. I feel like I don’t exist and fadeing away and drowning in his emotional baggage of the what if, should have. I feel like she never passed but lives in our relationship and treats me like I don’t exist.i am sad and he pushed me away.. I expressed my feelings and he just says well she was my wife and I shared 23 years with her, I don’t know how to react.. what can do the man turned heartless to my feelings because I opened up and allowed him to talk freely I feel like that was a mistake.
@tee. Losing your partner of 23 years with whom you’ve had children is not something you can get over easily. Maybe you’re wrong in expecting something in return for your support? Or maybe you should accept the him talking about his wife and trust that your own relationship will one day get to that level? What do our readers think?
Last week my dearest father died of old age. My boyfriend, whom I have known for one year, lives an one hours’ drive from me. He has never met my father. He said a few words of condoleances via sms, but hasn’t comforted me at all. No lengthy phone calls to talk about it. He didn’t even drop by to put an arm around me…. I am thinking that this behaviour is telling me that I should leave him.
@Lili I also have a boyfriend who lives one hr drive from me and we are close to one year together…or at least since we met because we broke up for a month and a half during the fall. He is now going through grief. It’s very hard. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m very used to him being the leader in the relationship, the one that tells me how to proceed and how he feels or what he needs. I’d say talk to your boyfriend, and give it time. Don’t make rushed decisions. Obviously you are in pain, maybe tell him you need him, tell him what you want and need. People sometimes simply do not know how to act, and grieving in general is scary.
My wife recently lost her Dad (7 months ago) at a young age (in his 50’s). She was pregnant with our first child as the time of his passing and has since given birth to a baby girl who is now 5 months old. Obviously i cannot even begin to understand how difficult this all is for her as i have not experienced something like this in my family and have tried to be there and support her as best as I can. My wife is getting counselling each week however, last week my Wife lost her temper with a member of my family to a point where she was violent with me, and she also went round and threatened my family member and was extremely abusive and personal. I read these pages and realise that anger is part of the process but am struggling to forgive her for what she has done. She has been violent and abusive in the past which was prior to her losing her Dad and has continuously had a troubled relationship with my family. As this is not just since her loss, I find it hard to accept that it is all down to the grief. At what point does someone draw a line or how far can a grieving person go? What help is there for the person supporting a grieving spouse?
@lilly. Maybe he is not sure how to react or doesn’t know what you expect from him. It does not always come naturally to people. Please have a discussion with him about this before deciding to leave him.
@Advise please. This may be a reaction to grief combined with the hormonal effects of post pregnancy. Start with some of the bereavement organisations mentioned in other comments below, they will be able to offer you help and advice about what to do next. Show your wife that you are there for her and care for her but try and get her to see that she needs help. Is there any way your can talk to her counsellor? He/she may be able to offer some additional incite (within the limits of patient confidentiality of course).
I lost my best friend of 20 years to a sudden heart attack three weeks ago. She was only 38 years old and apparently had heart disease that know one knew off. When her husband called me from the hospital and woke me out of a dead sleep, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought it was so sick joke..Then I woke up and realized, but was still in denial that this really did infact happen. I didn’t even know what to do with my emotions and I think I was so shocked that I couldn’t even cry. My boyfriend of 3 months was very supportive the first week of me grieving and kept saying “let me know what I can do”, he called me a few times a day and I spent some time with him too. I told him, I just needed him to be there for love and support, and he said “no, problem”. He has never lost anyone close to him so he has no idea what I’m going through and I understand that. The funeral was two weeks ago and since then I have barely spoken to him or seen him. My feelings were really hurt so I acted out of hurt and pain and lashed out at him about how I need to be appreciated and with someone who’s going to love and respect me when it’s not only convenient for them. I just felt like I’m making all the effort to get back to us and he’s not even there to hold me at night. He makes plans without me and when I want to hang out he has other things to do. I tell him I miss him and he misses me, but his actions speak louder than words. So I wrote him a long email telling him if he didn’t want to be with me to let me know and to stop playing games etc. Needless to say I pissed him off because he had no idea where all this was coming from. I told him I was sorry and that sometimes grief is uncontrollable and my emotions were out of control. I just lost my best friend and am so scared of losing him too. My heart is broken, and I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’m happiest when I’m with him and that’s all I need right now. I did apologize but it’s been 3 days and he hasn’t contacted me. It just feels like he doesn’t even care what I’m going through and he’s not there for me when I need him most. I’m ready to give up but I do love him so I’m just trying not to contact him and waiting for him to reach out to me. All I can do is apologize and I’ve done that. I even wrote him a nice poem and still no response. I don’t know what to do! ?
I lost my mum, I am devastated. My partner and I are breaking apart big time. he was wonderful and now just is so aggresive and hateful towards me. I dont care…
One of my close friends lost her only 2 children in a tragic car accident 2 and a half years ago. I have supported her in every way possible way since the accident showing tolerance and compassion. I have known her for 12 years and she always had a dominating personality but more recently this has amplified and she is now pushing the boundaries. She displays behaviour that seems selfish, controlling and arrogant. She dictates everything from where to go, when we go out, to choosing and ordering what we should eat. She is starting to bad mouth about my children and is displaying a generally overbearing and demeaning attitude to me and my family. I am struggling to know what to do.Despite the fact that we have been friends for a long time, I feel that her anger is aimed at me and my life. She doesn’t believe in counselling. How can I help her without drawing the line in the sand?
I lost my only child (son) in a road accident 13 years ago. My son was driving and his friend also died. I still find it very very hard. People think I should be over it, but they have no idea what it’s like. After talking to my doctor again, I am gong to a councillor. If anybody has been through the same and went to a councillor, would be grateful to let me know their feelings.
@heartbroken15 Your boyfriend’s reaction is just normal he doesn’t want to burden himself with your grief. I know that is a selfish thing to say but it’s only natural since you’ve only been together for 3 months. You can’t really expect him to just wait and be supportive when he hardly knows you as a person. Being there for someone in these hard times can be very challenging and that is the only time you can truly find out who loves and cares about you. No one wants to burden themselves with other people’s tragedies they just support you at the very beginning of when it happens, but when it lasts longer than they expected it to last they withdraw from you which is what happened with you. He tried to be supportive in the first week because that would be the natural thing of him to do but when you couldn’t get over it, which is very normal- you just lost a friend of 20 years- he decided that he was under too much pressure and can’t handle it which is why he’s been distant and doesn’t want to hang out with you because he doesn’t want you to bring him down with your misery. I’m sorry if i am being blunt here but i think you should face the truth and stop writing him emails or poems for that matter. 3 months of a relationship is a very short period to build strong bonds between the two of you and you should let him go. Grief your friend, share your grief with those who loved her and know her when you feel that you have finally accepted her death then you can move on to find someone in your life.
I lost my mom June 5, 2015 to a fight with AML. I was devastated when she was diagnosed in July of last year. I went to every treatment and appointment I could and spent as much time as I could with her and helped her with whatever she needed. Through it all she was so calm and accepting of what was happening to her. I thought she was going to live for years because she was so stable for so many months. Then in the middle of May that all changed. They told us there was nothing else they could do and she would die in a matter of weeks!!!!! I almost stopped breathing when they said that! Hospice was set up in her home the next day. She never had any pain that we know of but she was extremely anxious, could not get comfortable, and was scared of what was to come. I felt so helpless. I tried to comfort her any way I could as did the rest of my family. It was so hard to see her uncomfortable and every day there was one more thing she couldn’t do. We did everything for her. We wanted her to feel peaceful. There were a few “good” moments but it was mostly a struggle. I didn’t want to watch her die but I had no choice. I felt like all I was doing was helping her to die! In a matter of 3 weeks she had gone from being an independent women to not being able to do literally anything but breathe. A few days before she died I broke down and told one of the hospice nurses that I didn’t think I could take care of her anymore! I felt bad saying that but I was so emotional and I didn’t feel like it was her anymore. She died peacefully at 3:16am on June 5 and we were all relieved because the last day of her life she could barely talk. It has been 2 months now and it has not been easy. I miss my mom a lot. I am now taking care of my father’s bills and trying to help him with anything else that he needs. I only work part-time and that has helped me to find time to go to my dad’s house. I am also married 12 years this July and have 3 boys. Only 1 of my boys lives at home yet because the oldest is living on his own and the other who is 19yrs. is living with my dad. I am happy that my son is there for my dad and is helping him too. I feel like they are teaching each other things and supporting each other. My biggest problem is my husband!! He decided he no longer wants to take his psych meds. and has become the biggest jerk ever!!! He wants me to be happy and when I am not he gets angry. I know I have been crabby with him but he is so oblivious to what I am feeling and going through right now. He has accused me of being disrespectful of him and” how dare I try to take his happiness away!” I am having a hard time because he doesn’t understand that I am sad and that I miss her. He wants me to be happy because that is what my mom would want. He is erratic and started to smoke cigars and he isn’t sleeping much and isn’t eating much either. We have gotten into huge loud arguments and I do not know what to do anymore! Obviously he is struggling too but I think he i
Thank you so much for your insights, it has renewed my hope for my relationship. My fiancées dad passed away June 13th. There’s been a lot of other minor things happening in our life that always cause J to explode in anger. He has no light in his eyes. He is nitpicky with me and overly strict with our 2 yr old. I’ve been getting defensive and have felt lost – like the man I love is just a pod person now. Instead of being supportive I’ve withdrawn to match him. I was oblivious to the fact that he is grieving and cant/wont/isn’t ready to talk about it yet. I think I get it now!
Hi my boyfriend lost his mum in February and hes depressed and he wont help himself he say he should be happy and then he dont think he wants to be with me so im confussed but he keeps on coming back telling me he loves me and he dont want to leave me but im just confused with it all I need some sort advise to help me what can I do please help
My wife lost her parents 15 years ago, 2 weeks apart. Her son sudden died 4 1/2 years ago. Over the years her hate and anger towards me was obvious. She would not communicate how she felt. Sadly I left her suddenly in January this year, for another woman. I am about to go through a divorce and question myself constantly if I should have stayed and suffered. My wife is 10 years older than me. My new partner is my age, I love her as she is everything my wife wasn’t.
My dad has asbestos based cancer of the pleura and is about to go through the sixth and final shot of chemo. I am in a relationship and my girlfriend and I are about to complete a mortgage offer on a house, only I am very very unsure if I am doing the right thing. In fact I am quite sure I am doing the opposite. I don’t feel that my I really love my girlfriend, at least not enough to get married. She is 34 and wants to have kids, my dad would of course like to see me settled down. I have felt trapped for a long time and I know if’s my fault, I know I have been a weak person and I know I have to find the strength to end this. I am just worried about the effect on my dad and my girlfriend. I feel very very alone.
Gosh, what a difficult situation to be in, but you are right, you do have to find the strength to end this if you don’t believe in it. Talk to your dad first, tell him how you feel and that you will be fine and will be happy in your life regardless of what happen with your relationships. We’re sure he would rather you were happy than stuck in a situation that you wouldn’t want to be in. Approach it very carefully with your girlfriend. Please don’t make it seem like it’s anything to do with her, rather that you are simply not ready for a mortgage and children and do not wish to hold her back from doing so, should she find someone else. Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Thank you for your response. I just don’t want to upset my dad. She has been very supportive of him and us. I feel sad that it’s very likely that my dad won’t get to see his grandchildren. I know I am a bad person.
You’re not a bad person, events have just put you in a situation where you feel you cannot do the right thing. We do hope you manage to sort things out.
I have arranged to scatter my husbands ashes in a special place he loved. I spoke to his daughters and his mum. They liked the idea so I went ahead and arranged it. I had to change the date due to one of the daughters not being around so did it without question. My husbands mum also lost her husband 8 months after my husbands death. Of course this is devastating. She asked if her husbands ashes could be scattered with mine. I said yes of course. But I must admit I felt like I had no choice and would of seemed very hard hearted if I had refused. In the mean time another family member has died. Not unexpected, he had been ill for some years but heartbreaking all the same for the family. I have now been informed by text by my Mother in law that she feels too emotional to scatter he sons ashes and can we postpone until April next year as she would like her brother and sister to attend. Her sister being the person who has just lost her husband. I didn’t answer this text immediately as I was too angry. I felt like they had forgotten my loss along the way. I have tried not burden them too much in the past year. I do not get visited by them. I rarely get a phone call. I felt that this kind of news could of been done face to face but I was not shown any consideration. I did text her back a day later after I calmed down. I said that I was unable to postpone my journey and the scattering was about realising my husband and moving forward for me. So it’s was about him and I. I would like her to be there but understand if she can’t. I received a very emotionally charge message back with a lot of below the belt stuff and ultimatums dressed up as questions. I have been largely ignored since by all the family. To be honest I have felt alone and unconsidered most of the time anyway. However my husband would of been saddened at the drama. It’s just made a very private thing a three ring circus. I feel deeply hurt and let down.
I know what you mean. My best friend lost a friend (who was also a friend of mine) and she has been pushing and pushing me away. She has said nasty things to me and lashed out at me for things I know she would not do otherwise and it seems she doesn’t want me around. She says she misses me but won’t lock in a time with me, cancels or doesn’t reply. She seems to be very happy and reaching out to other friends which makes me sad. Our friendship was so solid concrete before and it just seems to have broken just ‘like that’. I am not sure what to do, give her space without her feeling like I don’t care or I won’t be there for her but it is hurting me alot that we aren’t talking and aren’t close anymore either.
I recently lost my mother to cancer 4 months ago, I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for almost two years and he was with my through the whole process of her being sick and then her death. Now as the dumbness has worn off and I feel things a lot stronger, I feel a lot of hatered towards him at times. Especially when he doesn’t understand me or can’t relate to my pain or depression. As much as he says he is here for me and trying his best I feel like I am doing it alone. I’m not sure how to fix this issue and I’m sure it’s my own personal problems that are making me feel this way. Like resentment of his life compared to mine but I don’t want to be doing that in my relationship.
My mum passed away on the 17th June 15 of lung cancer. I am completely and utterly devastated. She was 50 years old. We found out on the 1st April that she had lung cancer and she 10 weeks later. I have a boyfriend who I met in November of 2014. In February 2015 my dad was run over by a scrap van and was in a coma for 2weeks, he is now unable to walk and is in a wheel chair. Also in April my sister in law who was pregnant was told that there is something wrong with the baby and he has a lung defect. They gave her a emergency C section so bring the baby earlier so they could treat him. We were told 3 days before he was due to go in for his operation that it would be a miracle if he survived. Of course with my father being run over, my mum being sick and now the baby – we were all in a terrible state. My poor boyfriend who I had recently met, moved in with me to support me as I moved to a house to be close to my mum to look after her. On the 17th June my nephew went in for his life saving operation and sadly, my mum had a seizure on the same day and passed away un expectantly. It is now 4 months on , my nephew survived his op against the odds and he is now a healthy little chunk of a baby. Unfortuantly, I am lost in the world. I am finding it hard dealing with day to day things. I get up and go to work , but when I get home I have the dishes, cleaning the clothes, cleaning the house, making dinner, buying dinner etc etc and my boyfriend just does nothing. I feel like I am constantly on his case about things, I am not the laid back girl I used to be. Everything he does gets on top of me and I just feel like screaming. I am 29 and he is 23. He has never lived away from his Grandmothers house until he met me so I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. He has been there for me every step of the way and when I cry, he is there, wiping my tears and holding me until I cant sob anymore. However, I am barely keeping myself a float and feel like I am trying to look after the 2 of us and I am really struggling. Yesterday I completly lost it and told him I want him to move out, I’ve emailed him today to tell him that I can’t do it anymore – but I am very worried I am making a big mistake but I just feel if I was left alone – maybe things would be easier. If I didn’t have to try and look after too people when im struggling to look after myself, maybe my life would be that little bit easier. I am lost and feel very alone. I just hope I’m not making a big mistake!
My cousin was like a little sister to me, we grew up together and I always looked out for her. She had been through so much pain in her life (her dad killed himself when she was 13) and had gone off various rails but was finally healthy, happy, off to uni, sorting her life out, was in a loving relationship. In June she was killed suddenly by a single rock that hit her that fell from a cliff at the beach. The coroner says it was instant and she didn’t even know anything about it. She was 23. It was a week before her 24th birthday. I feel like my heart is broken and I won’t ever recover. It’s just so pointless. Such a freak accident. I wish I could swap places with her – I would do it in an instant. She deserved so much more than this. I manage to function at work, etc. But my marriage is being massively affected. My husband is awkward around my grief. He keeps asking me what he can “do” for me. I get so angry at him. I don’t mean to but he just stands around looking awkward and useless and all I want him to do is to be able to talk about it. He gets upset about things I think are pointless – I forgot to thank him for doing the washing up (it was my turn). Doesn’t he realise I am struggling to be present in my life? I feel like I’m living a half life. But he just seems a million miles away. He shares none of his feelings about this. I feel like I’m completely alone.
Iv been with my boyfriend for 7 months everything was goin really well we’v been on holiday & lots of short breaks with his & my kids we all get on really well even tho he lives 50 mins away we did see each other regularly…even spoke about me moving closer to him..a month ago th mother of his kids commited suicide….was a shock obvs…his life has been turnt upside down & now has his kids living with him…iv been very understanding & given him space we havnt seen that much of each other because of his circumstances which im fine with….but now he is starting to push me away sayin he cant be in a relationship anymore its breaking my heart as i love him so much…i dont no wot to do? Should i let him go or hang on in there? I feel so sad for him & his kids & also my kids & wot we’v lost too…i feel so selfish for feeling this way….its got to a point where he wont even reply to a tex from me and all im saying is hi!
Hi there to all of you. Im in a very difficult situation at the moment, and im unsure of what to do. I have been with my partner for 6 months, who i adore. We were both very much in love, and things were going really well, until a month ago, when my partner lost his Father. Since his Fathers death, he has become very distant with me, and has almost ceased communicating with me. I have discussed things with him and tried very hard to support him, but he internalises everything. I have even given him the opprtunity to leave the relationship, stating i fully understand his innability to cope with it all, but was told that he wants me in his life, and he feels as though a huge part of him has gone! He has asked me to bare with him. I know this sounds extremely selfish but how long do i continue to try or bare with him? As he has emotionally and physically withdrawn from me ?
@Ann. Give him a few weeks and then open the channels of communication. Offer to visit and take the kids out if you know them well enough. He might be needing a break from the responsbibility. If he is determined to handle this alone, you may need to accept that the relationship will end.
This is a really common way for people to handle things. Grief often does not show itself straightaway. Patience is the best approach but you might want to talk to some bereavement organisations, they will be able to give you advice on how best to help him open up, or how to cope yourself with the cahnges.
I have read this forum and can empathise (and hoping that doesn’t seem patronising to anyone as all our situations are different). I have a partner of 1 year 8 months who asked me to marry him in August this year (2015). Last August marked the start of a very sudden (i.e. overnight) decline in my mother’s health when she suddenly couldn’t walk, a subsequent diagnosis of primary CNS lymphoma and then a terminal diagnosis on her birthday this time last year. I just sometimes feel, as much as my partner’s been there physically, he isn’t emotionally, but then I am not sure if it’s just me. We didn’t have an easy start to our relationship (having started last March 2014), as his ex who’d been living there for a number of years as a friend, had not long left, and there were mental complications for me with that, and that she kept coming round to visits the cats. That only stopped when I asked him to tell her to stop coming. I didn’t want to be mean to her or their friendship, but as I’ve lived there since May 2015, I felt like I was the third person at times. I know I still want to be married to him, but sometimes I feel an utter disconnect, and I am sure it’s been worse since my Mum’s been poorly, but with so much going on (and new job since last September 2014 too and selling my own property to move in with my partner too), I can’t see where one issue starts, and another starts or end at times…anyone else feel like this? I feel I have been utterly shortchanged by life at times, then feel guilty for feeling that, and that I’m shortchanging my partner with my moods. The hospital are also testing me for possible insulin resistance due to low blood sugar levels since September this year (2015).
I am hoping some one who is not close to me will be able to give an objective opinion on how I am feeling just at this moment. My mum died on 15 October from cancer and I am totally bereft. I lost my dad to cancer in 1992 and my brother had already left home then and is in any event quite emotionally distant. My mum was my best friend and we went on holidays together, we socialised together, we went shopping together – basically we spent lots of time with each other which I absolutely loved. That’s not to say that I don’t have several good friendships as well as being comfortable in my own company but I loved spending time with my mum – it wasn’t something I saw as a chore or a duty. When she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer after emergency surgery in July 2014, we barely spent a day apart until she passed away and whilst I’m immensely glad I had all that time with her, now that she’s gone I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or what my purpose is in life. I wasn’t able to have children and my marriage broke down in 2009 which meant I had to move back in with my mum and I was only able to move out in April last year. I was in a relationship from June this year but that ended a few weeks ago as he said he couldn’t deal with me grieving and that I was pushing him away. He also said some other quite hurtful things so that on top of having lost my mum, her best friend 4 months before that and another close family friend three weeks after mum, has had quite a significant impact on me. I have a chronic back condition which means I can’t work full time – I work two evenings a week as a youth support worker but that is all I am able to do so I don’t have that to focus on to try and take my mind off things. This l Monday, 21st December, is my mum’s birthday and of course that just adds to the whole pain of Christmas week because it is the first birthday without her, my first Christmas without her and I have nowhere to go on Christmas Day. I know I am lucky in that up to now I have always had somewhere to go on Christmas day – we always had Christmas at home because my dad was an only child and my mum was from York so all her family are up there – up until 1992, every Christmas was my mum, my dad, me, my brother and my grandpa but my dad and my grandpa died within three months of each other so it went down to just mum and me and my brother and after my brother met his partner, it was just me, mum and my ex-husband and after my marriage broke down, it’s just been me and mum. My brother’s partner does not like me and she will not let him invite me to spend Christmas day with them even though she knows I will be on my own. My niece and nephew really do love me and that is one of the problems because she does not have such a good relationship with them and she blames me for that which is not really fair at all as I’ve never said anything bad about her to them or tried to create bad feeling between them. I miscarried three children during
Continuing from my other post as it didn’t all appear for some reason. I miscarried 3 babies during my marriage and she knows this but has no hint of kindness in her heart towards me even though she is a regular churchgoer and says she is a Christian. Despite the fact that I would probably not feel very comfortable spending Christmas there because of her animosity towards me, I am intensely hurt that just for once, my brother won’t stand up to her even though he knows how difficult I am going to find it on Christmas Day because mum absolutely loved Christmas and now it will never be the same again. I don’t want people to invite me out of pity because I know everybody has their own Christmas traditions but I can’t get over the fact that none of my own family want to spend Christmas day with me and I know it is only one day but when you are griefstricken and literally have no one else to be with, it makes it seem even worse than it already will be without mum. I’m normally quite an upbeat and positive person but I am absolutely devastated by this and it’s making my grief even harder to deal with. Sorry for having rambled on for so long but any advice would be gratefully received. Thank you so much and I really do hope that all of you that will be finding this Christmas difficult through bereavement will get through it ok.
This is very hard even to read, so must be far more difficult for you to be experiencing. It’s very tough to lose someone who was your best friend as well as a parent, especially as you have spent so much time together and Christmas was always about you being together. Christmas day will be a challenge, even more so if you have not been invited anywhere, so please try and plan to something special – and try to have some fun in memory of your mum (and dad). Have you considered volunteering for a few hours on Christmas day? Some homeless organisations are still accepting volunteer applications. You could also consider volunteering with the elderly, visiting someone else who’s alone, or helping out at a care home. Some useful contacts can be found at Age UK , Do It.Org or Friends of the Elderly
Could you consider inviting some friends or your brother and nephews/nieces over on Boxing Day? You could then plan to spend some of Christmas day preparing food, games in advance etc. Do you have Skype? Can you get it sorted in time for Christmas? Call your brother and ask if you can Skype him and the children on Christmas Day )or if you have an iphone, you can face time etc).
Some other useful contacts for you are Stand Alone – support for people who are estranged from friends/family. Cruse Bereavement Care has lots of information about coping at Christmas, or Friends in Need.
I just recently lost my father. This came as shock to me i wasn’t ready. I heard the news when i was with my boyfriend he was caring when i was with him. My family lives farther away so i took a week off and came to help out with everything i can. Now for me its been hard but im still in a denial phase i feel sadness but im trying to stay strong to help my mother out all i can. While i know i have my family its not the same I am craving the attention of my boyfriend. Now we have been together for four years and unfortunately he was not able to go with me but i thought he would still be there for me when i needed him. Now when i do need him he hasn’t been there for me he has barely spoken to me or he talks very little. This has made me angry. Im angry because i feel like hes not there for me like he doesn’t care. I know i shouldn’t really expect him to feel as i feel but im angry that hes not showing me the attention i need or giving me the comfort.
My partner of 8 months recently lost a brother. I have given him all the support in the world but of late he has been pulling back, but it seems only from me. He’s still fine around friends but I hear from him less and less, and when he is with me he is present less and less. I can’t imagine how he feels, he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, but I feel like I am losing him and it’s breaking my heart.
I feel like I have some sort of plague everyone who said they would be there for me wasn’t I my mom passed away then eight days later my husband passed away but I guess I’m just supposed to be OK with all this and just MoveOn how do you handle that
Even though people promise to be there for you, there are some times good reasons why this cannot happen (death for example). You really need to seek help from an impartial resource like Cruise Bereavement Care
my husband los his mum nearly 3 years ago and i feel has never really dealt with it. he has completely retreated in to him self and avoids any kind of real conversation about it with me. we have a baby now and while he can be happy he is also incredibly short tempered, hard to please and sneaky now. he demands I tell him I love him and show him affection but hurts my feeling often and gets annoyed when I point this out. He doesn’t help out much around the house and if I ever point this out or criticize him in any way and we fight he gets to a point then either walks away, leaves the house or sits with his eyes closed. I think he needs to see a counsellor cause its ruining our relationship. im becoming numb to a lot of stuff and feel like I just don’t care enough. he promises to try better but he has admitted to me he just says what I want to end arguments and doesn’t listen or think he ahsto do what he promises 🙁 im just lost
Maybe our readers can offer their advice here. We feel you write down your feelings for your husband to read. Tell him you love him but you are seriously considering your future because of his attitude towards the relationship. You could say that you’ll fully support him if he wants to get some counselling as you think he’s never recovered from the death of his mother etc. You may find it helpful to arrange a session with a bereavement and/or relationship counsellor.
My friend just lost his father and I was trying to support him. I was like hugging him and all, and he just kissed me… How do I know that he actually likes me and didn’t do it because he was experiencing grief or whatever. Im am so very confused
I lost my mom who was my VERY best friend, my everything – on my 30th birthday just a little over a week ago. I am an only child & have such a great bond with my mom. This was sudden & unexpected so I feel like I’m having a tremendously hard time dealing with this. I feel like no one, especially my fiance, can understand what it’s like to lose someone SO IMPORTANT, I’m an only child, our bond is so intense, on my birthday & SUDDEN / UNEXPECTED. It’s just like a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I cannot invision ever loving someone / something again. I feel like my life has zero purpose without my mom. I so desperately need to know she’s still here. I love her so much, life without her is meaningless now.
Do try and talk your feelings over with someone. Your fiance may understand, but it might be easier to talk to someone else who knew your mother well. You should also try contacting some of the organisations like Cruse, mentioned in the responses below. Take care of yourself.
I lost my mum in January this year. My Dad lives next door and is constantly in my house every evening until sometimes 10.30pm, I get up at 5-45am for work. Yesterday I had arranged to go out for the first time with my girlfriends for lunch being the first time in 2 months I was doing something for me when my sister her 3 kids one of thief boyfriends, my Dad and his ex foster kid all turned up while I was getting ready and half an hour before I was due to go out unannounced, my Sister had arranged to meet my Dad at my house without telling me, then left her eldest daughter and her boyfriend sitting in my house while the others walked out dogs. My Dad got angry and walked out, turns out he hates the boyfriend so I call my sister and tell her she needs to come back and leave then everyone falls out and I miss my lunch date. I can’t help feeling that no one actually cares how I feel and I’m so sad that I just want walk away from everyone. Now me and my husband of 22 years are arguing and I feel so lonely. But everyone just keeps saying grow up and stop being selfish!!! Am I selfish for wanting 3 hours on my own
I lost my mother around a year and a half ago, I was extremely close to her and she was the only one who knew how I thought etc. When she died my girlfriend was there for me but I didn’t really grieve straight away, I was left with sorting out the finances so took months. By this time I was back at work, education and to my relationship. I was still grieving but never spared a thought to how this would affect me further down the line. Over the months, me and my GF began renting, I started to feel anxious about why I did this and began questioning everything about my life and the relationship, I kept thinking I could die any day and have nothing to show, no experience. I kept this to myself (stupid) my relationship started to suffer and for 6 months I basically just lived with her and didn’t show her any love. I started to resent her and in my mind began to blame her for how I feel and how theres no affection. This lead me to act out, I started smoking sneakily, drinking more. One weekend I was out and without thought, I cheated on my girlfriend. I didn’t intend to and it was planned, I.e. I didnt text her, she just threw herself at me. Prior to this my mind was constantly overthinking everything, I lived in a daydream and some days I couldn’t even remember what I did. However as I did this stupid act, emotions and thoughts hit me like a tonne of bricks, I left and went to another place (hotel). For the first time in, I don’t know how long, my mind was clear, I was understood my emotions, I felt guilty for the pain I am going to put my girlfriend through by telling her, I felt guilty that I promised myself I would never do this. All the memories of my relationship came back to me and I felt like I forgot she was even in my life for these Years. I told her a few days later, she was distraught, lost, upset and all the above. I gave her time and she spoke to me and she Said that I have been distant in recent months and Said it all happened when your mum died and how she feels I’ve changed so much. She was upset at trying to blame my behaviour on this, just to be clear I know I was the one that cheated, I could have stopped it, but I didn’t, I wasnt the same person that made that promise. I didn’t understand my emotions and began to interpret them wrongly. It’s too Little to late, but I now remember how much a love her, how much she has done for me and what a dick I am. I feel guilty even mentioning my mum’s death when it was me that cheated, but my mindset changed, I kept worrying and never shared my own mental issues. In hindsight, in the time since she passed, I’ve not stopped doing anything, no holidays, just work and volunteering. I think Ive been trying to work past it. The moral of this story is, don’t change who you are when someone passes, don’t bottle anything up, share with who you can and when you can. Don’t end up ruining the best thing you had, the person that passed does not want you to be different. Me
No, you’re not being selfish. Perhaps you could put this in a note to your family members (or a text/email message). Explain that you want to be there for them, but you need your own space and a little privacy occasionally. Hopefully they will understand.
Thank you for sharing this with us, we hope it will help other readers looking for advice and support. Take care and we hope you get your relationship back on track, or find alternative happiness in the future.
I would like to thank everyone who shared their stories. It helped me realized I’m not the only one in the world who is going through this. I lost my grandmother a little over a year ago. I thought I was ok, but have realized I am not. My grandmother helped my mom raise me so I feel like I have lost a parent. I have anxiety all day everyday and I don’t know why. I feel nothing anymore or than anxiety. I know I love my kids but I don’t feel the love I’m supposed to have for them. I had a boyfriend I thought I loved but I have pushed him away because I am unable to show any type of emotions. I feel like a robot. I don’t know how to fix this. I know in my mind she is gone and can’t come back so why am I having such a hard time with this?? I have never lost anyone close to me before and for lack of better words…. this sucks!
My wife lost her mum due to cancer last August. She was trying to look after her for the last year before this happened. My wife’s always had issues around anxiety and depression and hasn’t been easy to deal with at the best of times. She tends to hold on to anger even from stuff that happened to her as a child. Since the death of her mother she’s become even angrier mainly at me and is now saying she doesn’t love me any more. She’s never be a great communicator and has always struggled to show affection. She’s withdrawn completely into herself and doesn’t want me near. Then on the other hand she will go out by me stuff, have my meals ready when I return from work and do my washing etc. my question is is this the result of grief and how can I best support her?
Hello the man I love has just lost his ex- partner mother of his teenage daughter. They were together 25 years but had recently separated. I’ve known him from being 17 years old dated him for 3 years when I was 19 to 23 years. I worked for him for 12 years from 17 to 29 years of age. Then never seen him for 19 years when I separated from my husband Last year I contacted him and we seen each other from June to August 2015 and I’ve just had a text to say his ex has died who is the mother of his daughter and he said ‘ not in the mood, gonna be a long time’ when I tried to call him last week. I’m feeling uneasy, don’t know what to do please could you help me.
The best advice really is to simply leave it until he is ready to get back in touch (if he ever will be). Just let him know that you’re there if he needs you. Unfortunately this is time when you have to put his feelings ahead of your own.
Struggling – I read your post and I find I am in the same situation. I’m wondering how you are doing and how you are coping or taking care of yourself? It is so hard cause I want to reach out and find a solution to help my partner start feeling better and that really doesn’t help him. He lost his mom 3 months ago to cancer right at the same time we found out we were pregnant. We just miscarried our baby at 3 months and I think my grief has put him into a deeper depression. He is not a talker and I am. It is such a challenge and he has left to be with family and try to take care of himself before he can help me. But in his healing he needs time and space so he is not talking to me. I feel abandoned but also so hurt because I just want to be with him to help him feel better. Any advice on how to get through this would be amazing! I can’t even think about my own loss (of baby) right now because I feel like I’ve lost my partner. How do I move on while still hoping he comes back? Thanks Sad 🙁
My partner mum died suddenly about 8 weeks ago.after the funeral he said he wanted to be on his own.i gave him space and was there for him popping in and making sure he had eaten etc now he says ive to go n find someone else to move on with my life tht hes letting me go I am devastated ..theres no reasoning with him he says he loves me but needs to be on his own ..what can I do …will he ever come back to me …I love him with all my hesrt I have had to go on anti depressamts and feel ill with it all and kerp bursting into tears I am sounhappy …
Hi sad, I am pretty much doing ok, things not much better with the wife. I’ve come to realise that you can’t really help because anything you say or do will be completely wrong. If she talks I just shut up and listen. It’s gotten so bad that we now sleep in seperate beds. She went for some kind of therapy but just directed all her anger towards me and used the setions to bash me rather than dealing with her own issues. To which the councilor aledgedly said they can’t help her until she’s out of her current situation. It’s difficult because I love my wife so much and would do anything if I thought it would help her. I live and hope the next day will be better then the next but sadly it never seems to be. My wife doesn’t know how to really let go of anger at the best of times she was never going to be easy to deal with but I think this has pushed her over the edge. She had a friend over for a night at the weekend and was as nice as pie putting on some kind of front, then the next day she went out shopping bought me some bits. Then it just went back to how it was before. There’s no affection she’s always struggled with showing affection but now it’s completely gone. I am just now taking it day by day going to work and doing the best I can to remain sane!
Struggling – hi I’m so sorry to hear your situation hasn’t gotten any better. I wish I could offer some guaranteed ideas or advice to fix it, but I cannot 🙁 I can say that of the reading I’ve been doing, although distancing yourself seems like the last thing you want to do cause you want to be there to help and support her, taking some time away for yourself might be exactly what you both need. I know all I want to do is cling on and help and love and apologize to my bf and just have him near me, but that tends to push ppl away. I’m not sure if this is true with you but I’ve always worried that if I choose to take space or set up strict boundaries that my bf, being an introvert and not seeming to have any coping skills, would just walk himself up and never make effort to come back. Unfortunately we cannot tell ppl how to act or feel, everyone makes their own decisions all we can do is decide how to act. It sounds like she’s not being very kind or respectful to you Struuggling, so maybe it’s good to put up some healthy boundaries and focus on taking care of yourself. If you can get away for a few days either to families or just a change of scenery that might help both of you. The sad and scary part, that I face too, is your partner might not be ready to make healthy choices for the relationship as quickly as you are. But caring for yourself, redirecting your attention to your needs and well being is of number one importance. That way if and when she is ready, you can be there for her from a balanced and supportive place. Best of luck Struggling. I’m trying to do the same things and every second it is a challenge, but I know it is right. Take care, Sad
I began chatting with my friend’s brother the beginning of the year about a work matter and we hit it off. His wife passed away suddenly last year and he has young children. We were chatting on and off and he then asked me out a couple of months later. We hit it off, spent time together me and him as well as the children (i had met the children when his wife was still alive) and it was fab for a couple of months. Then he became distant and told me he just got hit with the grief. He has stayed in contact with me but not heard from him the last couple of days and he is spending the long weekend with her family which I am hoping is going to help him. I am just lost as to whether I leave him and hope he comes back to me or do I let him know I’m still here by texting every now and then? Its just all in limbo but he is everything I could wish for in a partner, I just dont want to ruin things by being there too much or not enough.
I lost my son 2 years ago this July. I have a wonderful partner who I have been with for almost 4 years. Our relationship is good apart from one thing – sex. It used to be great but since losing my son I have no interest in it at all. I did at first, I think I needed the intimacy and closeness of it but some time later I lost all desire. At first I put it down to the anti-depressants I was on for 5 months but having been off them for a year I feel no different, I love my partner very much and he’s being as patient as he can be but I do wonder when my desire will come back.
Hi there, this article came at the right time for me. At the beginning of the year I started speaking to, and then meeting up with with a lady who works in the same department as me – we click and get on so well and the momentum was building up so very well. I definitely liked her and wanted to get to know her more and, at last, there was someone who was making a great deal of effort back in getting to know me. A month back, she lost her Grandfather, and I know she considered him the closest male role model in her life and the closest man in her life, and of course she took this very hard. I haven’t had this situation before of building foundations with someone and then having them losing a very close dear family member, plus I suffer from what can be at times quite difficult anxiety – and mild depression – I was unsure on what I should do, thankfully, I believe I did enough to show my support without being too much. But I have still found the last month a difficult one as we haven’t spoken that much, plus she has been in work looking very hurt quite often – she definitely had retreated into herself, but when she told me about her Grandfather’s passing she said she would get back to me when she is in a better frame of mind, and I am giving her the space to heal, and while it’s all too easy to overthink… patience is very much key. Of course I want to be there but I can’t be pushy whatsoever, although I’ve been all over the shop myself about it, one day I can have a frame of mind that in time everything will be okay with the approach I explained above, and the next day I fear the worst (due to overthinking nature.) My faith was boosted when I bumped into her briefly in work yesterday and the way we looked at each other left me feeling very warm thankfully.
My husband lost his dad to cancer a year ago and is severely struggling to deal with it. I can’t cope much longer as he is angry, distant and controlling more than ever before.. It’s affecting me and my self esteem massively and I don’t know what to do. I give him so much love, support and patience but he takes everything and gives not one thing back. He isn’t talking about things and won’t go to therapy. He is struggling so much but won’t admit it.. He has shut himself away and left work.. He doesn’t see people or friends only me. Any advice on my next steps (he is very volatile) would help.. Thanks for reading
I am a teenager who is depressed. I am depressed because when I was a young child I was abused by my dad and only resantly have lost a man who is like my step dad. I lost this great man to cancer and since then I have not known how to deal with the loss of a such a big loss in my life. I been and still do feel suicidal. I guess I need to know what to do because I have a very controlling mum that I live with. I want to do something like put some flowers down to play my respect and to help me deal with how I am feeling about a man that ment so much to me though out my life but the problem is that I have said I have a very controlling mum that won’t give me the money for the flowers and the train down to where his funeral was. I can’t keep going on like this I am not happy and I need to know how to change this
Wanting to put some flowers down and to do something in memory of your ‘step dad’ is a really good way to help with the grieving process. You say your mum is very controlling, she may be trying to keep “in control” in order to keep things normal for you and to keep a check on her own emotions. Do try talking to her about how you feel and ask her how she is feeling too. Perhaps together, you can do something to help remember the man your respected and treated like your own father. There are lots organisations that can help teenagers and young adults, so please do look into them and use their forums and support lines. Here is a list of a few of them:
Childline
Hope Again
Childhood Bereavement
Grief Encounter
Young Minds
What can I say I am in the same boat as many of you, but on a much newer scale. I met my ex girlfriend at the beginning of March of this year. We hit it off immediately and were pretty much inseparable after that. It was an easy relationship to be in where we were both always so open and honest with each other about everything always. We were both very supportive of each other and although it was new we were definitely, or so it appeared, in a very healthy and strong relationship that in no way did I think would end. We had many future plans and were both so happy and so affectionate with each other. It was an incredible connection, one that neither of us had had in other relationships that we’d been in in the past. Over Memorial Day weekend she took me with her to Kansas to visit and meet her family on their ranch there. On the last night of the long weekend her brother was killed on a country road late at night in an atv accident. She and I were the ones that found him and needless to say it was a tragedy beyond anything I could ever imagine. We couldn’t save him. My heart brakes for her and for her family. Her brother was her best friend. In the last few weeks she has broken up with me and completely shut me out. I am giving her all of the space in the world and understand that we will probably not work out. Hell were not together so that’s what it is currently. I am coping the best I can and trying to move on. At the same time she’s fairly new to our city and I’m the closest thing she has in town. She has shut me out and I just want to support her in any way that I can so that she’s not isolated and alone. At the same time I do not want to push at all and have given her a lot of space. She knows the breakup is hard on me, but it’s the least of her worries right now. It’s wuickly becoming the least of mine as well. It’s a cross that I have to bear, but is understandable. I just am wondering how do I give her the space she needs without being pushy, but at the same time being there for her so that she’s not alone? I obviously need time for myself as well and need to move on, but want to support her any way I can. Hell I don’t know if she associates me with the accident or what, but wants nothing to do with me! I don’t want to give up on her even if we’re not together. I’m really worried about the whole thing and don’t know what to do. Any thoughts from anyone? I appreciate you reading my comments. This is all so very new to me.
Hi. We are going through a difficult time at the moment. My other half has lost both of her parents in the last 8 months and her grief and subsequent depression is putting a lot of strain on our relationship and family life. I have suffered with stress, anxiety and depression myself in the past and can see that she is suffering with depression, yet when I encourage her to go to her GP and ask for help she is accusing me of being controlling and not understanding, I am finding this difficult to take, I am clearly trying to help. It’s not done in a “sort yourself out” way either, I am just trying to encourage her to try and take some positive steps to improve the situation instead of “bathing in grief” which she seems to be doing. It almost seems like she doesn’t want to improve things. I also feel like she is transferring a lot of the negativity from her grief on to myself and our children. She manages to bundle a lot of the issues together and hang them around my neck, when there is no justification for a lot of the angst I am receiving. I feel like instead of using me for emotional support, I am being used as a punching bag. I understand she is suffering and it breaks my heart to watch her going through this, but she is isolating herself from us, which is causing myself and our children (who are 4 and 6) to resent her. We have noticed changes in behavior from our eldest, who has regressed a lot and is “acting up”, sometimes with violent episodes. I just feel like despite my best efforts I am unable to support her through this time (as she is pushing us away) and am incredibly concerned about her unwillingness to address her depression, and the long term ramifications this could hold for our relationship, but mostly the effect this is having on our children. There is a very strong bond between my daughters and their mother which I have never been able to compete with, and her withdrawal has left me looking after two children who would much prefer to have their mom, leading to them pushing me away too. I just feel like everyone in my family is pushing me away. I understand that grief is a process and I’m not trying to rush her through this, but am concerned that she seems content to spend her time drinking too much wine, looking at photo’s, listening to songs that will upset her. It seems unhealthy to me and looks like it is only exasperating the feelings of loss. Perhaps the drinking is her way of self medicating the depression, but the resulting feeling low the next day sets that theme for the rest of the day and around we go again. What is the best thing for me to do to start things moving in the right direction? I should add that I too am devastated by the loss of her parents, they were very good to me and I miss them dearly. C.
Are there any other people you can talk to who might be able to help? It does sound as though wife need external help from a counsellor or support group. A friend or other family member might be what’s needed right now as you’re all too closely involved in each other and in your connection with the deceased. If you could get your girls some kind of help (via their pre-schools/schools maybe) too, it will help them deal with the bereavement and their mother’s reaction to it. Keep supporting the girls, be consistent, kind, and there for them…they’ll appreciate it in the long term and stop pushing you away.
Hi Ive just lost my Mum 5days ago to cancer. I feel so sad and lonely. I have 4 children and a partner of 11 years. I nursed my Mum all through her illness and now I have nothing. My Partner has took himself out of the equastion. He has been out everyday with his freinds in the pub and not coming home till late at night drunk. I really need support and would love him to comfort me and tell me everythi g is going to be ok and he doesnt. He tells me he loves me and is there for me but if Im feeling down and crying I have to phone him and he tells me he cant talk cause hes in the pub and peoples listening. This hurts so bad. I have always been there for him through everything that has troubled him. Am I wrong in thinking that he should be there for me. I dont want this ruining our relationship but Im starting to feel real resentment towards him for the way he is being with me. My Mum was sick from September and she had no one to depend on only me, my Sister and my Step Dad. My Partner lost his Mum to cancer 28yrs ago at Christmas and every Christmas is a nightmare. He hates it and doesnt try very hard to make it special even for the Children, but I stuck by him and try to help him every year. Why when my greif is so raw can he not be there for me. I feel devestated, lonely, sad and now Im starting to feel so angry and my anger is stemming from him and his treatment towards me. How do I sort this out, its destroying me and Im left to deal with everything all on my own.
Hi, grief has destroyed my life.i lost my ten yr old son last October due to medical negligence that resulted in my son vomiting buckets of blood for nearly a month.he suffered multiple organ failure and ended up on life support machine which the hospital eventually turned off without our consent and he passed away. Since he died,I have become disillusioned with life and can’t understand how I can continue living when my son is dead, I have another five year old who is greatly affected as he cries all the time asking for his brother.i feel like I just watched my son die as I could not do anything except pray to save him,his death has affected my faith as I struggle to understand how God could allow this to happen.i feel like my life is meaningless as I have lost interest in everything and can’t move forward at all despite all the counselling I have had for months.my feelings are still very raw,I cry everyday and sometimes I want to scream and ask God why he allowed My son to die how can I carry on living knowing my son is gone forever? I am devastated for life
I’ve lost my ex husband 7 month ago, coroner issued statment of adult syndrome death, which i still can’t understand what that means. We married in December 2006 and separated in May 2012, until today i really don’t know why he left, Naveed woke up one morning saying marriage is not serving him anymore, and he wants free himself from it…within a month he find new accommodation and he was gone. We haven’t seen each others until end of December 2012, when he asked me to spend christmas day together , i loved him so much ,so i said yes and couldn’t wait be together again. For the next 2 years we were seeing each other regularly at mine or his. Navel asked me hounders of times to get back together, start afresh as we weren’t able to live with out each others. every time i said yes, he would disappeared for two-three weeks, and then come back to me saying his mind is not in state of making decisions and it will be better if we stay apart. For two years i lived in a hope that we will get back and that i will be with him, the person who i loved more then my self….but towards the end of 2014 i was mentally exhausted by his deeds and i couldn’t live like this anymore, so i sing to dating website , met lovely man and started seeing him. Beginning of 2015 i met Naveed, i asked him for permission to see my new boyfriend , he gave me his permission , my heart broke again as i thought he will want me back, so we separated for few months, i was living new life with my boyfriend , occasionally receiving phone calls from Naveed, getting updates on his love life etc , it was very disturbing for me, as deep down my heart i hoped for reunion. same year NAVEED asked me to get back together twice, first time in July, when i nearly broke up with my boyfriend , but Naveed did usual , came to me saying he is not ready , left me in pieces i couldn’t get back to normal for a long time, and then he asked me again 3 weeks before his death, he said he can’t live without me, and that he still love me, at that moment i asked him if he lost his mind?? adding that its been 3and half years he’s been messing up with my head and i want normal life,i want family. last 3 weeks of his life he would call me,txt me in a good way, we would talk and in my head something was telling me that he is changing…..i still loved him, loved him more then my new boyfriend, and often i would wonder how to break up with him, and how i really want to be with Naveed again. on the second of December i received call, with message that Naveed passed away at his flat and landlord discover his body, i couldn’t believe in this as a day before his death we txt to each other .its been 8 months since , I’m with a man who loves me to bits, i know it very well, but I’m straggling with any emotions one day i think i love him, one day i hate him. he’s been great support to me, but day by day I’m more angry with him for some reason, I’m nice to all my friends, his friends, but when it comes
Hi, My partner is currently watching his mum die pretty much. She is not very well at all and she is close to dying from lung cancer. I am really struggling to support him, his dad just shouts at everyone because he is struggling with the future loss of his wife and my partner takes it all out on me. He constantly snaps at me and every living day and weekend is revolved around his father and what he wants to do. We have to babysit his mum while his dad goes out to the pub and gets drunk. I booked the theatre at the weekend and my partner told me he couldn’t go because his dad was out and someone needed to look after his mum. I am fine with supporting the family and being there for them but not to be shouted at constantly and told I am selfish when I don’t feel 100% and not constantly cheerful. I’ve washed his mums hair, organised special beauty treatments, looked after her on a few Friday nights and he always calls me selfish and says I’m not supportive because I am always thinking about myself. I’m going insane at how much nastiness I hear from my partner just calling me horrible names constantly. I really am trying my hardest, it may sound selfish but I really really support the whole family but I can’t agree with being made to feel bad and constantly said “I hope you don’t have to go through anything like this” shouting at me for saying it’s okay it will be okay. I’m slowly breaking down and wish I could move out but that would be selfish of me. I struggle with depression and this in itself is pushing me to the edge.
My partner and I have been together for four years and his Dad died very suddenly two months ago. He’s been living with his Mum since then – So I don’t get to see him much. When I do he’s not very affectionate – I’m always the one to initiate the hello kiss and say ‘I love you’. I don’t know if he’s trying to push me away to make it easier? We’re also building a house and there’s been some problems with the builder – Now he’s talking about pulling out of building it. Is this just his way of getting out of the relationship? Should I prepare myself?
It is nearly a year since the sudden death of my mum. Im 36 i feel far to young to be without her.. i miss her so much I yearn to have her back I have nobody to talk to “properly” I feel like I’ve lost such a huge part of myself almost hollow just functioning doing nothing much. I’ve being supporting my heartbroken Dad alone as my sister chose to walk away from us. My Dad doesn’t provide any emotional support as I feel he thinks his grief is Greater than everyone else’s even though I’m her child. My partner has tried to support me and I do appreciate how difficult I’ve being, not really wanting to have physical contact and dealing with his insecurities becomes so overwhelming. I’m trYong to rebuild my life slowly but nothing feels anything without my mum. I’m still so devestated, angry and broken inside I just want to be alone . Will I ever feel normal or happg again?
I recently lost my fiancee and father of our 2 yr old then 19 months after a motorbike accident lately ive not wanted to go on become moody always snapping at evryone no interest in fun things i feel numb to the point i have no idea and things do not make sence i have a lot of hatred i dont wish to make my kids lives hell because they no longer see the person who was there previous i have started councelling and i think i need to pester the docs for antidepressants
I been with my wife for almost 18 years , we have 4 kids, 3 are together and 1 was from her previos marriage. Just recentley her mom was rushed into the hospital with heart failure etc… her mom is stable and everything is day day by day right now. My wife has been pretty much living at the hospital, so I barely get to see her, I am working full tine and then coming home and taking care of pretty much everything.My wife’s greiving is very 1 sided to the point that she wants me to stay home and take care of the kids and chores etc… I wanted to be her rock cuz I love her with all my heart , but during her tine at the hospital she made some comments to me that made me feel really insecure and angry and sad. She told me a hot guy was checking her out , so I got really upset over it , feeling like I am being used and worried that she is alone at that hospital greiving, considering she doesn’t want me there with her. I confronted her about it and it just made matters worse, she claims that I need help. I tried explaining to her why I am feeling this way but she he gets mad because she says this whole thing isn’t about me it’s about her mom. So I feel like I have no one to talk to. She has always been my partner in crime. I am just scared to lose her andbe cheated on and lied to because my gut feeling isn’t a hundred percent. Has anyone else gone through this?? She eventually told me that she Loves me and this is the way she greives? I told her I understand and promise to sit back and not interfere. But really i dont understand why my wofe doesnt want her husband by her side during all this . Just stay home and take care of the kids. She does come home when kids are done school but stays with us for maybe 2 or 3 hours then runs back to hospital and stay there until like 2 to 3 am. It’s been hard for me to sleep at night knowing that she is there by herself and I just want her to be here with me and the kids .To be honest this whole thing feels like a nightmare It’s been so hard to deal with. Even though I am doing what she tells me to do, I am hurting inside. Now I notice I have been kinda clingy to her , sending her love texts and when I do see her I just want to hold her and keep her near, now I’m scared my clingy Ness is pushing her away. So I don’t know what to do this while thing just sucks.
This must be so hard for you and you’re right it would be really good for you to try and find another person to talk to about this. Do you have a friend who you could confide in? Maybe a local support organisation? If you have family or friends who can help with your children, perhaps you could offer to go with your wife to hospital or take her out for a meal before the next hospital visit etc. Or maybe spend some time with a friend/family member instead of having to look after the kids every night, which may give you something else to channel your thoughts into. Do any of our readers have any thoughts on this to share with Papaeh?
Update , I am still living in this nightmare. I don’t know which direction to turn. My heart is hurting because I am so scared to lose her all I been trying to do is talk to her and get some type of reinsurance asking her why I have these insecurities. I am hurting also , I was close to my mother in law but now I feel I am not allowed to be any part of it , just work and go home and take care of the kids. I have tried talking to her numerous times. She tells me I need to stop making this about myself, which in reality I am not , My whole marriage with her has been through communication , being open to each other. I have made mistakes in the past and so has she but we always managed to work through it. Now I feel like I am by myself because if I talk to her it turns into an argument. she keeps telling me she needs space , which I have been giving her even though it has been very hard for me to the point where I was feeling like I was being used. My insecurity radar went way up to the point where I had trust issues, I been looking at her facebook and text messages , And I also was tracking her from my phone of where her where abouts were because she has been distant from me. I know she is going through a lot in this emotional rollercoaster and the whole thing is just very sad, everyone of us is sad hrough this very tough time. I realized that I was wrong for my insecurities and trust issues but I still felt something was off. The one day she came home she was being super sweet to me and that kind of caught me off guard considering why all of a sudden is she being nice to me and all I could think was because she is getting her way? I am doing what she wants me to do? But at that moment weight was lifted off my chest , she then was going back to the hospital for the night. When she left the house , I walked out to the garage to have a cigarette and I didn’t hear the car start , so my instincts were like what is she doing? So instead of me getting up off the chair to see if she left or not, I tracked her on my phone , as I was tracking her on my phone I didn’t realize she was standing behind me and she busted me , she stormed out and jumped in the car and took off, I immediately called her to tell her why I was doing that but she wasn’t listening. I realize I made a mistake with my trust issues. She finally answered and I explained to her why I was doing it and told her the truth but on top of that she resented me more. She told me I need help, I said I need my wife back is what I need. I left it at that. She then came home and every time I I saw her I just basically been throwing myself at her telling her how much I love her and apologizing for my actions. She did say she still Loves me but then another day it changes to where she wants nothing to do with me , she wont kiss me or hug me and just recently she kicked me out of the bed. I emotionally broke down and cried Praying to God to make my wife see how much I love her. I have
Tried communicating with her on multiple occasions. I know her emotions are all over the place, but my question is why put your husband on the back burner? Why distance yourself from the one you fell In love with? Isn’t it that tines like this as a family we should all be there for one another? I know my wofe is suffering most because it is her mom but my kids and I are hurting also , we are all close to my mother -in-law. I am trying to be her rock I just wish she would see that instead of resenting me , yes my actions were messed up. I realized it was wrong to do but I didn’t know what direction to turn. My wife confided into some girlfriends that are recently divorced , which she introduced me to, they are nice girls I think but also man haters. They asked my wife to go out for Girls night out which during this crucial moment I didn’t feel to comfortable with considering her distance from me and thinking why am I being excluded? Why are you going to a bar where there are single guys? But I stayed as strong as I could and told her to have a good time even though I was hurting inside. My wife did call me from the bar and asked me to bring up her wallet, so I did and when I got there I said to my self I’m going to go in and say Happy Birthday and have a beer, I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but apparently it was , which made me more suspicious and insecure.My wife wouldnt even look my way like I was this big burden. So I drank down my beer and said have a good time and walked out . I could of easily made a big scene but I was like whatever , I can’t force someone to love me. So as I was driving home I got angry and texted my wife and said why was it a big deal for me to show up?, I said you called me? I wasn’t planning on coming up at all? All I did was have a beer ? My wife called me and said she was on her way home that she was right behind me. Honestly I felt a ton of weight coming off my chest and I realized my wife does care about me. I just realize that her friends aren’t good people considering they are lost souls. When my wife got home I talked to her and said that I was upset that I was treated that way , I said if I was at a bar with friends and you walked in which she had done lots of times I would be happy to see you cuz my intentions aren’t looking for another girl my heart is for you, my wife said her friends are just man hating and that it was innocent fun, I said innocent fun is going out to dinner not a bar or club? My wofe said she had a great time that she really likes those girls that she is going to plan more nights out with them, which I am not handling to well wit at this time , again why does my wofe want to exclude me??? When her and I always did things without ever saying you can’t go??? Please help me, I am so lost and don’t know what direction to turn , do I leave her or do I stick by and take all the punches and feel walked on and used ??
I am taking time off work as a practice nurse to nurse my partner’s mum (he is nearly 53 and I am 50), I sleep in the same room as her and take care of her needs over night as well as most of the day. She has gastric cancer which has metastasised to her abdomen, lung and liver. She hasn’t eaten anything for about 2 weeks now and is drinking a minimal amount of fluids. I am struggling at times as both of my parents and my husband died of cancer and find it very difficult when he shuts me out and pushes me away, I know this is how he is dealing with the situation. His mum is very weak now and I sometimes need help to even transfer her to the commode, I have tried to explain this to him but he doesn’t seem to grasp this, he is great if he is in the house but if he has retreated to his shed he gets upset if I ask him to help. He went out the other morning to help his boss – he was following him to bring him home after dropping his car off to be repaired, I asked him to take his phone but he said he wouldn’t need it as he wouldn’t be long. He came back 3 hours later, luckily I hadn’t needed his help, after 2 hours I was upset because he didn’t seem bothered, after 3 hours I was worried he had, had an accident. He turned up & couldn’t understand why I was upset. I have made a promise & a commitment to his mum & she will end her days in her own home with me caring for her. I’m not sure if my partner & I will be strong enough to survive all of this, I want to be there to support him but also need his emotional support at times as well as him just to be nearby in case I need him to help me. He hadn’t even noticed how much she has deteriorated until I told him that she could no longer walk from her bedroom in her bungalow to the lounge supported by just me & that I had been taking her through on a wheelchair, I know he is trying to bury his head in the sand & how much this hurt him because it is his mum, I am hurting too I love this lady very much, Yesterday we had words, his mum had been very restless from around 4am & I was concerned about her, I had given her the prescribed medication for break through pain & he was due to pick his boss up again after he dropped his car off to be repaired (god knows what is wrong with the car). I asked him not to go but he got angry with me & said I didn’t ever want him to leave or have time away, I tried to explain how bad I thought the situation was but he was having none of it, So he went – at least he took his phone, he was away again for 2 hours I text him twice to let know what was going on,, I had called the Dr to ask if I could increase her oramorph next time it was sue as it wasn’t controlling the break through pain he agreed to this, we discussed putting morphine in her syringe driver, she already had this up and running for anti-emetics. I spent the whole 3 hours he was away near tears as she was cheyne stokes breathing, obviously in pain (non-verbal communication – when I asked her if s
I am still stuck between a rock and a hard place , I am so lost, I reached out to my church for guidance , it was nice to be able to vent and pray for everything I am going through , everyday I pray that my wife will start including me and loving me the way it was . She finally talked to me and I was able to get things off my chest to her , she said she still loves me and that she wants this marriage that what she is going through she needs time. I explained to her why my insecurities have reach a high because of her actions towards me , that she is excluding me and all I do is miss her . This is very hard for me to deal with , she tells me to go out and make friends , which in my mind I feel if I do that, it will just make it so she has excuses to go out, I told her during this time it’s hard for me to go out and have fun because I am scared of losing you, she says that she isn’t going anywhere, I said if you showed me more emotion and love then it would be easier for me. But I am sick to my stomache that I am plan B , when I go to kiss her or hug her she pulls away most the time. So that right there is taking a toll on me , I barely see her she is gone pretty much all day and night , she has been coming home around 11:1130 every night, when the weekend comes and I am off from work all I want to do is spend time with her but for the past 4 weekends it was excluding me , she said she is angry at me because I didn’t trust her , I told I am sorry that my insecurities took a toll on me because of your actions towards me, I said why out of all the people in your life you handed your husband the short end of the stick? She told me because she knows I love her and knows that I have her back. I said so why don’t you have my back ? why are you picking friends and others over me? I keep telling myself that I know I can’t force her to love me and force her to be what I want her to be. I feel like I am being a punching bag for loving her and caring about her so much. Everyone I talk to just says hang in there she will come back to me ? Why dont I feel that ? Why do I feel like I am being used? I pray to God that she will be back in my life and accept my love and that this is all a nightmare I am analyzing in my head. Has anyone gone through this that can reassure what I am going through that I am not wasting my time? I love her with all my heart but I know I can’t force her to love me the same ?
Try doing as your wife asks and spend some time with your friends, it will take your mind of your relationship and may make your wife realise that she misses you when you’re not around etc.
My other half lost her mother to Cancer almost 2 weeks ago. We have been dating for 5years now. Since the battle of cancer I have tried to keep her happy and feel my support towards her. Moms cancer came back and she fought a tough and long battle for almost 5-6 months. she then went with the angels and I have tried my best to hold it together because loosing a loved one to cancer brings up alot of memories of my grandmother. i have supported my other half to the best I can I have hugged i have told her moms with her and that mom is not suffering anymore. I admit that I may not have stood by her side literally through all this but i was there I supported her. she became distant from me and gained a good realationship with her sisters. I let her be and cope . we dont live together and I have a child preiviously, our lives are a bit seperated . now she says that I show her know support because I never sat with her I never wanted to write letters to her mom. I didnt sit with her because she has 6 siblings and she gave me the impression everytime we were together that she did not have time for me. I am not selfish but she shut me out. never wanted to ride to the church with me , didnt tell me what was going on with the funeral services such as the little memorial things she wasnted to do for mom. Everytime i asked her about shutting me out or not wanting me around she always told me im just her Girlfriend she doesnt have to tell me everything. Since that day on I let her be i still came around to the church to the viewing to the funeral. I still hugged her and told her everything is going to be ok and that moms resting , i hugged her i felt her tears. NOW she says i didnt support her. when I explain myself to her she brings up other topics to fight about. I DONT want to fight because I am not selfish and I am not the concern , i know she is grieving and I have told her straight out I dont want to fight. but she chooses to fight with me. she chooses to bring things up from the past. I love this woman but I feel what I do is not good enough for her. i feel she wants me to lick the ground she walks on when she cant let me in when she makes me feel like im NOTHING> helpless
my other half lost his mother to cancer. I took care of his mother throughout the process since he works outside of the country. But when his mother died, the came back and pushed away to an extent that he did not want me to attend to the funeral . however I played my role as a daughter inlaw in the burial arrangement . from there he went back to the country he was living and married a woman that I believed he picked up in some brothel. that was the end of our relationship. …..I feel bad but I could not tie him to myself. I had to let it go
Still having some doubts, my wife told me that it is hard for her to show effection towards me cuz of her mom still in the hospital , if I do get a kiss from her it’s just a quick peck on the lips , when we go to bed all she wants me to do ismassage her but that’s it , and I do it because I love her.she says she loves me and wants this marriage and that she is just very stressed about her mom. But again I am still not a hundred percent believing her. She makes plans with her girlfriends and it seems like that is the highlight of her week and she makes sure to tell me it’s girls night only. I told her why do you’r friends exclude me ? I told her just to give me the honest truth. She sas she just likes spending time with just the girls. Just last night her girlfriends invited her to a bar which I didn’t feel comfortable about , but I didn’t stop her from going , I noticed she got dressed up really nice and thought to myself that she must be up to something , she swears nothing is so I don’t know what to think anymore I been living in this nightmare , feel like my wife is keeping me until she finds someone else. Not sure what to do I am so lost and live her so much
Update, my wife has been slowly coming around now but it still leaves me with question marks. She has been spending more time with me but still not showing much affection, I did back off of her some but when she pulls me in I’m right there cuz I love her with all my heart and part of me just keeps saying stick it out , if you love her she will come back to you? I am praying that this is the truth. Well we just found out her mom has stage 4 ovarian cancer and only has about 2 months left to live, my wife says she feels so alone, I tell her that her mom will always be with her and that me and the kids will always love her. Before this happened my wife on occasion woukd lash out at me and say horrible things that she didn’t love me anymore and that she wanted to see other people and that I feel like a brother to her because we been together so long that she can’t show affection and she has been saying she wants a divorce, these words from her but a knife in my heart , I would go to work and tell myself that it is over I got to make my plans cuz I can’t force her to love me. Then when she wakes up she will text me and say everything is fine that she loves me and that she is so stressed out and that she wants to spend the rest of my life with me , of course I give in because I love her so much, did anyone ever experience this before??
My mother in law passed away and it was very hard on all of us , I tried being as supportive as I could to my wife but then it backfired, she told me she doesn’t love me anymore that she has no love to give to me , she told me she wants to seperate, I am so hurt and confused, I feel like this whole time was a plot that she had planned , I told her I am not leaving that I love her and the kids, if I try to talk to her she runs away , I been keeping my distance but I feel so torn up inside, I don’t know what to do, I am so lost and confused , she said that I been self centered this whole time while she was going through this which isn’t true I just been showing affection to her. I can’t talk to her and she has been saying hurtful things when I’m around, I am trying to be there for my kids and so scared that I am going to lose my wife, I love her with all my heart and I feel like whatever I say or do for her means nothing , I don’t know, I am so lost , I I know,she is greiving but why take it oUT on me . Before her mom passes my wife was showing love again and told me she loved me now I feel like I was played this whole time. I told her I am not giving up and keeping my space but it is so hard cuz all I want is my wife to love me like it was. Please God help get my wife back
I am still so confused , I can’t imagine what she is going through but I am so lost why she doesn’t want me by her side? I been on a rollercoaster ride that seems like it will never end . 1 minute she tells me she loves me then the next she hates my guts and wants a divorce. I feel like a punching bag and I love her so much , my words to her dont mean a thing to her . I don t want to lose her but not sure how much more I can handle? Everyone tells me to stick by and that she will eventually come to me? From some of the things she has been telling me I am not sure what to believe anymore ? She keeps saying her life has changed and that she doesn’t love me anymore and just wants her freedom
I just loss a family member. For all the husbands dealing with there wife’s distance . Hold on I am feeling the same way with my husband but the difference between your wife and me is that I wish I had that type of support from my husband he told me to move on in other words get over it . It hurts so bad, that he says these words. I know I’ve been so fustrated and angry but I don’t want to feel like this I know this one day will be over . I am a very strong individual, I’ve dealt with a loss before by myself .
My boyfriend just lost his dad to a stroke. He has been very sad and has drawn within. He lets me visit him but he never reaches out to me. I feel him pulling away. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to talk to him about it because I dont want him to be upset that Im not respecting his grieving. I thought he was better but he never tries to spend time with me and it feels like I am chasing him. I dont know what to do and i dont know how much more i can take.
All I can say is to give your heart to the Lord, and pray everyday that your partner will get through this and be able to love you again and to give you what you once had.I know it’s very confusing I am right with you. It got to the point where I don’t know if she still loves me or not and is this all because she lost her mom? I been feeling so lost lately my wife is still up and down , I pray everyday and tell her I love her everyday , I am trying to just be there for her as much as I can even though I am hurt and lost inside , she is still crying pretty much everyday and night and she has been coming to me here and there but it’s confusing because she is so down and says negative things to me . Sone days she Loves me and wants to be close. I feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride and pray everyday that she takes my heart in full again. If I try to be close to her and kiss her or hold her she tends to pull away and tells me to stop being so needy. I just walk away and try to focus on other things, it’s the worst pain ever I feel like I am losing my best friend but then she comes back and tells me she loves me and wants me to take care of her. I feel so bad for her and wish I could take away her pain. I been hinting to her to get grief counseling which I think I am going to have to do whether she wants to or not , I married her for a reason and I know she needs help. All I can say is Love your husband no matter what, just be there for him as much as you can , give him space and when he is mad at you or tells you negative things just walk away because right now you are talking to a wall pretty much . I know you feel like a punching bag but if he loves ypu he will come back or show signs, i dont know your relationship with your husband but just staying positive and showing him you care is all you can do , I know it feels like it is one sided but know in your heart that you’re a good person. I know it is tough probably the toughest thing I ever dealt with in my marriage but I know in my heart I dont want to lose her and I know there is no set limit on how long this will go on for but focus on yourself and let God guide you I been dealing with this for 4 months now to the point I am numb but keep telling myself to be there for her no matter what if she chooses to leave me then that tells me that my love for her didn’t mean a thing and yes you will be angry and sad but again you can’t force someone to love you all you can do is love yourself and pray to God to get you through , you can’t focus on his actions I know it’s easier said then done but if you truly love him dont let go. It’s ok for you to reach out for support and vent during this very hard time. I am right with you and praying for you . Hang in there
My father died after a year long battle of health issues. At times, there were promising strides in his recovery, then sudden issues that brought him back down. He was elderly, but was a fighter & fought until the end. My father was a very caring man, always helped ppl in need, with no expectations other than a respectful & genuine ‘thank you’ in the end. He really liked my husband, felt he had a good bond with him. Which is why I’m astonished, upset, and heartbroken with the way he’s acted when my father passed last wk. He has never dealt w/ the death of a close relative or friend, other than the husband of my close friend, which my sister keeps telling me why he doesn’t know how to react. But I don’t buy it. The wk leading to my father’s death, I had been upset, knowing my dad’s time on earth was coming to the end. 3 days prior, my dad was resucitated, and brought back, placed in ICU. He awakened & was able to greet ppl, & see ppl for what would be his last time. Through this time, I didn’t feel he was being supportive. He just kept focusing on eveything else but the facts, which was my dad, my awesome mentor, was dying. Even months prior, he had had the nerve of comparing my need to visit my sick father to that of his need to visit his brother in the next state, at least 1x a month to drink & have fun, bcuz we don’t know how long we have to live. I said, ‘did you clean up your stuff from the garage so we can park in the garage when it snows tomorrow?’ He replied, “no, I went to my brother’s. I should be able to do what I want when I want. You visit your dad almost every day.” My father was attached to a ventilator, had a gtube, was becoming paralyzed from a spinal injury. Dad needed around the clock care and for family to sit w/ him regularly so he received proper care to avoid more suffering. Dad was not a vegetable throughout his illness or in a coma, he was alert and able to communicate. He was trapped in his body but had the hope he’d recover, which now and then he’d show good signs.but, for my husband to be rude & complain about how often I visited my dad just made me feel ill. The day dad passed it was my daughter’s 3rd bday. We were in the hospital, but had the waiting rm to ourselves. We had decided prior to his death, we would still have a small celebration for my daughter in the waiting rm, open gifts and have cake. While my husband went home to walk our dog & gather the cake w/ our daughter, my sisters, mom, brother-in-law, sister’s boyfriend, dad’s brother & sil, all stood w/ dad as his heartbeat dropped. We cried for an hr & then held his hands as he flatlined. I messaged my husband that dad passed. We all stood around, hugging ea other, crying. I waited a while, but still didn’t see my husband. So I went to the waiting rm & found my husband there, decorating the room. I know ppl process things differently, but I really felt confused. Instead of him walking to me and offering a hug, he kept unwrapping the
the tablecloths. I told him, maybe he should wait to decorate, see what mom said. I asked what he was doing, as a suggestion to go in the room to pay respects to my mom, or even me. He snapped, “I brought you a tea! Wtf.” I walked away crying. I told my sister what happened. She had to go to him to give him a lecture on what he was supposed to do. But, he still didn’t get it. He came and hugged me, but later told me I was unreasonable, in front of everyone. Yes, I was unreasonable for expceting my husband to hug me and say, “I’m so sorry.” He didn’t do it, still hasn’t, and today he called me a b for still being upset about it. I’m even more upset because his mother never offered condolences, didn’t come to the funeral or wake, tho she could have. Instead, she kept calling my husband throughout the wake, to make sure he was going to drive her to the airport @ 1am, not once offering condolences. My father was the most respectable man I have known, and for my husband to treat me the way he has, would upset my father to no end had he been alive to witness what happened. My sister’s boyfriend, a man who just fell into our family a yr ago, offered more genuine sympathy than my own husband. It really hurts and it’s affecting our daughter. I know now, that my father was my favorite person in the world besides my daughter, and the only man in my life that cared for me, and now he’s gone. I’m devastated.
I lost my dad 8 months ago but still live with my mum, I’m also in a relationship and even though my mum thinks a lot of him, I its her birthday on the day I spend the night with him. Am I being a bad daughter by still staying at his?. I’ve asked her if she wants to do something for her birthday as its her 70th but all I get is you won’t be there at night, I’ve been there for her all the time but she really makes me feel guilty for having a partner. I also have a younger sister but she doesn’t have that much to do with Mum. Can you help me in knowing what to do.
Things are getting somewhat better between my wife and I , she said that she loves me but hard for her to love because she is still greiving over her mom? So I still feel like I am just here and pray everyday that she will Love me like I love her. Everyday is a different mood so I am not really sure what to believe. When I question her she tells me it’s because she is mourning over her Mom , so even though it hurts me inside I am standing by her side no matter what cuz I Love her so much. I just pray that she can get through this. For the people having issues in their marriage during a crucial time like this I am going to tell you now it does feel one sided because you don’t know what exactly your partner is feeling and experiencing , all I can say is stand by them no matter what if you love them ,I know it’s easier said then done trust me I know, But put yourself in their shoes and pray that they will eventually put themselves in your shoes, again greiving is a very messed up thing because everyone grIeve’s differently , All I can say is give your faith to the Lord and let him guide you, You can’t change what your partner is feeling all you can do is love them no matter what they choose to do and know in your heart that it isn’t your fault if they choose to walk away from you. Because if the person that is greiving does walk away from you while you have been supportive then that’s their loss and tells you that person doesn’t deserve you and that will be something else they have to live with for the rest of their lives. It’s ok to tell your partner how your feeling and to question them because you are a human being and have feelings also , when my wife is mean to me and doesn’t want to be touched I just walk away, best thing to do give them tIme to process what they are feeling because again we can’t read minds. It will feel like your partner is taking advantage of you , it will feel like they are just using you , it will feel like they only love you at their convience all you can do is reassure them that you love them and be their punching bag , I told my wife I am not walking away if she wants to leave me she can but I believe in God and Love for better or worse marriage and family. Just pray everyday is all you can do and let God guide you
I’m still on a rollercoaster ride of hell , my wife’s greiving is so one sided and she is still using me as a punching bag , I don’t know what to feel anymore , I know I love her and want this marriage but part of me feels like I got sucker written on my forehead. One day she loves me and is close to me the next she hates my guts and tells me she isnt in love with me? , I pray everyday to God that she will love me the same way I love her but from things she says to me lately I don’t know if there is hope or it’s just her demons talking. she still wants to do things without me but does things with me when it’s convient for her , she says I am clingy which I don’t think I am , I am just trying to support my wife and kids through this crucial time. I work long hour days and then when I get home i start doing house chores etc. I keep busy My feelings do not matter to her if I ask her a question about us,she keeps saying make friends and go out and leave her alone, well all I do is work and when I get home from work I clean the house and do chores to keep busy and help her out , I have no interest into hanging out with friends right now not while I feel my marriage is on the rocks, all I keep thinking is its going to lead to more resentments. I ask her if she wants this marriage? She says she doesnt know anymore she says she just wants to enjoy life and that I need help and that I am the one that changed ? Before all this happened with my mother in law my wife and I were inseperable always enjoyed each others company now it’s like she has no interest in me anymore and my feelings do not matter. When I try to tell her how I been feeling she gets mad at me , she acts like she does no wrong at all , like she is perfect and I’m just this annoying husband that shouldn’t have any feelings , I am so lost and confused and don’t know what direction to turn , I feel like I am being emotionally abused because she is very one sided , she excludes me from doing things we would usually do together all the time. And gets mad at me when we are invited somewhere and tells me she would rather go herself without me? It hurts my feelings that she doesn’t want me around her when something comes up that I know I would enjoy I am wrong to want to go. I got mad at her and said a marriage is for 2 people to enjoy life together if you can’t enjoy it with me then we shouldn’t be married , she gets defensive and says that I don’t control her that she is allowed to have a life without me by her side at all times and I said yes you can when you’re single I said by you not want g me with you tells me you don’t have any fun with me so why are we married? She says if I am not happy that I should just leave. Part of me is thinking of doing so but then it hits me on how much I love her and pray that she is only acting this way because she is greiving and her depression. I just think it’s disrespectful that she doesn’t respect me like I respect her . I do
it is good to know us spouse’s are not alone in what we are going through with our grieving wives and husbands. my wife has pretty much shut out any of my needs, which i understand, it is just dufficult to accept. i have lost loved ones, and never shut out my person of affection during my grieving process, so this has been confusing for me. when i read that others have experienced being shut out, it gives me hope that she will someday see Me again. i miss her. i feel alone and depressed that she doesn’t notice me. i pray things get better eventually. i also feel like a punching bag at various times. it definately is like trying to converse with a wall!! it flat out sucks, but i will stay by her side, through better or Worse. i just pray she will be able to show her love for me again. i feel selfish and lost.
We hope you manage to get through this too and that your patience is eventually rewarded.
My friend passed away in a car accident December 10 2016, exactly one month before my birthday (which was significant bc we celebrated many birthdays together as hers is soon after) and 2 weeks before Christmas. My boyfriend was out with friends when I found out. He texted me and I gave him the news. He had difficulty recalling my friend (she lived out of state and he’d never met her) and made an off-color comment asking if it was “a friend from my hometown who was on drugs.” I found this very hurtful. THEN, he did not come home for 3-4 hours. I didn’t expect him to rush home right away but I felt abandoned being alone for that long after getting this news. He apologized but compared his not being there for me to my not attending his friends’ wedding 15 hours away from us one weekend months before. I’m not sure how these things are relatable. The week of Christmas, we went to see his family and one night I felt like he and his sister were ganging up on me when I was upset about my friend, minimizing her death (his sister actually laughed at me) bc their dad was diagnosed with cancer 2-3 years ago. I was so hurt, I actually left and got a hotel room. We have been fighting a lot over this for the past 2 months. I don’t know what to do. I can’t see why he isn’t being supportive or where his empathy card is. I’m already hurting so much and it seems like he wants to hurt me more.
My girlfriends father passed away almost four years ago and we’ve been together for a year. Recently she has made a couple of posts about missing her and not being able to talk to him about advice in which she feels that she is having some troubles and some decisions to make. She hasn’t brought any of this up to me yet nor talked with me about what is troubling her. We work together at a hospital and a mutual friend that we work with, is going through and experience with her mom, much like my girlfriend went through with her father. I had been feeling a little frustrated and my girlfriend made a couple of mean comments. I had know idea that our friends mom was in the hospital and saw her after my girlfriend made some mean remarks. When I saw our friend I had asked what she was doing at the hospital and she told me her mother wasn’t doing well. She thought my girlfriend had told me and replied back that she hadn’t said anything. We raised our voices a little bit and told her my girlfriend hasn’t been talking to much. The situation was brought on by emotions and I apologized to our friend. A day later my girlfriend asked how that conversation went and I explained to her in a nutshell what had happened and my girlfriend replied back that our stories didn’t match and that she was upset about it. So, I explained to her in further detail and told her I made a mistake and that I apologized to our friend. The next day, she asked me to grab some clothes for a week and to leave her the house key. I heard her crying and went to talk to her and she told me that by my raising my voice to her friend that I had brought up some emotions and feelings of when her father was in the hospital and that if I had talked to her that way when she was going through her fathers time at the hospital she would have knocked my head off. I explained to her that It was a mistake on my part and our friend and I made up. I feel like I’m getting blamed for something that she has already been feeling and that our friends situation with her mom is what really stirred things up inside her. On top of that she doesn’t know if she still loves me. I’m being patient and giving her the time she needs. I don’t think she has really dealt with her fathers passing and could use some advice.
To all the people that are dealing with a greiving spouse or partner, let me say this hang in there as much as possible, the person that is greiving will come off as very one sided , they will blame you for everything, and make you feel that you are at wrong. I’m not saying we are perfect because no one is perfect and I’m not saying everyone greIves the same but if your experiencing distant and feeling like a punching bag then you aren’t alone. My wife’s greiving put me on a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs and she became very selfish , I don’t think she intentionally did so, I think it’s just losing someone you loved so much like a parent or a child that she started blaming herself and she keeps saying she is alone , she can’t accept the fact her mom is gone it is still taking a toll on her and I just pray everyday it will get easier for her because she is dealing with every emotion imaginable. I am no psychologist but what I experienced with my wife was beyond anything I ever dealt with , if you read my early post on here you will see the hell I was going through with her , now her and I are getting closer again but she is still greiving, I am trying to get her help and still trying to be there for her but she is still up and down. So as the person that isn’t greiving all I can say is try to be there for them as much as possible whether they want you with them or not, if they start saying I love you grasp onto that to give yourself hope even though it will give you some queston marks just give your heart to God and focus on yourself , you’re partner still loves you even though they are using you as a punching bag , the reason they do that is because they know they love you and you will take the abuse, basically hurt the ones you love the most. I kept that in my head the whole time and was there for her any which way I could be. Another thing if your partner starts to come back around and showing you love do not bring up unanswered questions from the past because to be honest they probably won’t remember doing what they did to you . Things have been getting better with my wife and I and I pray it will stay this way, but who knows ?? I will keep you posted lol
Thank you for this, it’s really useful to hear an update on this situation. We hope it continues in a more positive vein for you.
Hi. Just wanted to share. I lost my Mum 2 and half years ago, and my dad 8 years ago. My long term boyfriend cannot take the effects of the bereavement on me and he is dumping me after 10 years.l have been difficult and very depressed since the loss of my mum, and feel guilty about things I let her down in, badly. My boyfriend has been unable to support me in any way, but equally I have not shown him love and affection either. He said he thinks I am ‘mad’ or mentally ill and he will not be with someone who is sick in their mind as he will get that way himself. He refuses to speak to me, and will not meet up. He said if i ever choose to be happy and normal he will consider contacting me. Just wonder how others would deal with it. We cannot live together or marry – so the relationship will always be just visiting each other.
My partner lost his dad,taken it badly and as depression. I have tried so much to support him and being there, he is just pushing me away not talking to me not even spend time with me and the children. My heart is breaking trying to help and support him, feels like we growing apart in the relationship. We don’t do nothing for each other no more, he shouts at abuse at me and seems like I can’t do nothing right Am always the one in the wrong, coming so close ending the relationship he is. I have tried so hard to be there for him but seems he don’t want me. Spending money silly, going out with his friends happy and watching football when he wants. I do really let him do what he wants to make him happy but he don’t notice what he is doing is hurting me so much and can’t take it feel like am breaking down in my mind and feeling am not the one he wants any more. This might sound selfish of me I don’t want to hear I got to be patient when I am but I can’t do it if am getting pushed aside and not getting spoken to, don’t want sound nasty be different if he wanted my love and support.
It sounds as though your partner is afraid of his responsibilities now that his own father has died. He doesn’t see how he’s hurting you, or that his actions are having a such an effect. You could try writing down how you feel, try not to focus on the negatives but on how you are coping and how you iss the relationship you once had etc. Contact local support organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Care – they can help the partners of bereaved people too and may have some suggestions about how you can approach your situation.
September 1, 2016 after 3 days in a hospital burn unit my Aunt passed away from her final attempt at suicide… Her and I were very close even though my elder I was more of the adult of us 2… My Husband of 5 years always my main supporter my rock was there the last 2 years of her life right by my side in every effort to help her or just be her support system… She struggled with addiction as have we and she dealt with mental illness… I knew this time I wouldn’t be taking her home and getting her into bed as had happened many times before so I guess I was prepared… My Husband was by my side when I got the call and he was by my side when we scattered her ashes… Literally the day after he started when he would come home from work leaving not even an hour later to not return till he would lay his head to his pillow… I first in a way confronted him before Christmas… He said he was struggling with her loss to which I could fully understand as was I… I from the first day never stayed in bed unable to do nothing and just cry no i got up every morning made him breakfast seen him off and continued on my days of suicide awareness… January came and went… I only seen him when he came in late and flopped in bed… February came and went to now March… I did in turn yell and cry and begged him to talk to me to not shut me out that I need him and I know he needs me… He laughed at me……. Said I was making something outta nothing… Tonight day 7 in a row he has slept in the living-living-room yet day 33 in a row of him not coming home until after 12:30 am…….. I know I have a mouth and I can be pretty feisty so my mouth is shut yet only for now… Something has to give..! Right..!..??
I have had a bad 18 months. My first son was 7 weeks old when my mum was diagnoses with terminal cancer. She passed away when my son was 18 months old and I was 8 months pregnant with my second boy. Throughout mums illness my in-laws were not very sympathetic and would frequently state they felt we did not see them enough. They even told my husband that after I took my mother and father away for the weekend, that we were ‘making memories with jens mum and dad at the expense of seeing them’. Now mum has gone I have an intense anger toward them. I know their dream of being grandparent was tainted by my mums illness but I can’t help thinking they need to pull themselves together as mum is gone forever. How do I move on do I mention how they have upset me or will it just take time.
My wife lost her father 2 weeks ago and I’m noticing the same thing. We been together 25 years and her dad was my dad also in every way other than biological. I’m trying my best to be there for her but I suffer from depression from mainly rejection in childhood so I don’t think I can take any more. She’s the only person who ever showed me love and it’s litteraly killing me . I don’t want to sound selfish but I’m trying to spoil her and it’s like I’m just a commodity with no appreciation. It’s only been 2 weeks and we not had funeral yet but I just don’t see how I can keep coping with my own issues I’m afraid my marriage could break down.
My father-in-law died about six weeks ago. My husband and I currently live in Canada for his job; when we found out his dad was dying, he went back to the UK straight away – I had to go a day later, as there was no other space on the flight. Unfortunately, his dad passed before my husband could get there. When I arrived, he told me that the funeral wouldn’t be for a couple of weeks and that he would have to go back to work. I had to stay in the UK, as we couldn’t afford the extra plane fare. He came back a couple of days before the funeral, which was a hard day, and then we came back to Canada the day after. The next day, he went back to work. That was about two weeks ago and things have gone horribly wrong. In the first week, he was pretty withdrawn, which is of course understandable; we made a deal that I would stop asking him how he was feeling and he would talk to me when he felt he could. Since last weekend, I’ve barely seen him. He’s had a couple of late nights out in pubs, stayed over a couple of nights at work and, on the other days, come home as late as possible. We talked a bit but not much – I didn’t want to push it – but he seemed to agree that talking to a counsellor might be helpful. Yesterday I came home from work to a letter, saying he’s very unhappy, needs space, doesn’t know if he loves me anymore and has moved out to a motel. I’m trying to respect his need for space but I am sick with worry about him and devastated about 12 years of my life going down the pan in the space of two weeks. I feel so alone as I have no friends here; our life here has totally revolved around him/his job and us spending time together. This has pretty much happened out of the blue and I just don’t know what to do. I think he’s spent the last week stressing and I’ve spent the last week crying, neither of which is helpful, but what can I do when he doesn’t want to talk to me and now he’s gone? I don’t even know where he is.
Poor you, what a terrible thing to be dealing with. We’re not in Canada so don’t know of any support organisations, but please try and find something like this in your area. If you can talk to others who’ve been in a similar position it might easier to handle. Give you husband time to come round and to grieve, but make sure he knows he cannot continue to treat you like this or to have you hanging around waiting for him to come back either.
My new long-distance boyfriend of 5 months just shut me out of his life. I did not know why, no reason, no explanation. So obviously I was worried sick, called him and texted him so many times, even texted his friend who knew something but would not say. It wasn’t until 5 days later I found out my boyfriend’s brother had died. He sent me very short 2 line text but still has not spoken to me since. He just shut me out of his life, no explanation nothing. I am very upset about this because it’s like de ja vu for me. My last boyfriend did the same 3.5 years ago but he was sick and dying so that is why I was worried and panicking this time, it brought back all the bad memories and hurt so much. Now I don’t know what is happening, does he want me in his life or not. Surely if he did he would’ve told me what happened straight away at least then I would have understood and not gone psycho stalker girlfriend sending texts and voicemails all the time. What do I do now?. Do I wait and see if he gets in touch or what. I don’t know?
Hi, I lost my mum 6 months ago and everyone says I have dealt with it well but I worry I am very anxious and defensive at times and hurt my partners feelings. I think it is just that I am always waiting for the next bad thing to happen so read things into his jokes and comments that he doesn’t intend. I have also dealt with being hit by a car and having a serious illness myself, along with starting a new job and relocating. So lots of major life stuff. I just want to share that I love him and feel terrible when I get defensive or snappy. It just happens sometimes then I feel bad. I am working on trying to stay quiet until the feeling passes. I hope it might help someone experiencing this from a bereaved spouse to know it is not intentional and I have only recently noticed the pattern and realised, it’s me not him!
Thanks for describing your feelings here and we’re sure this will help some of our other readers. One thing that might worth trying would be to write this down for your partner to see as well…in the form or a note or even a text message, or perhaps show him the comment you’ve written here.
hi..I lost my dad 2 years ago & the first year was a blur..since the second things have got worse. my marriage I feel is falling apart iv seen my husband watching porn to women what are not like me..and it’s causing arguments even 8 months down the line..and regiments are getting out of control. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, my child don’t like seeing me cry about there grandad…so I keep it in..iv started to enjoy a drink now & then & that’s when the rows get explosive! I feel such anger deep down. I feel I’m falling out of love with my husband but I know we love each other & are soul mates…feel confused..alone…
My husbands mum got murdered now his in his hometown country . But his pass is due here in Sing and I don’t know how to comfort him except say what’s urgent . But I wanted to go over he kept saying no. Now his trying to sell the house . He looked happy on the video as he see a new place. But at night he just goes drinking. And I’m anxious about the pass. Because if he doesn’t take it ,it will take a year or maybe no reentry for him. I don’t know if he loves us or this will change him. He just keep saying wait.
My partners mum died a month ago and she is still affected by her loss.Im there for her and helping her through the greif.I have found she is regecting my affection for her.we had a lovely affectionate relationship before hand but now i thinks she hates me sometimes and wont touch me.I hope this is normal and she changes after she gets over her greif im hanging in there.
HI I lost my mom March 1st I’m only 16 years old and iv pretty much just forgot who I am myself. I feel lost 24/7 knowing she won’t be there for anything now. Not when I graduate highschool or college. I don’t really know how to live my life anymore and it hurts me so much every day. I feel like I’m in a black hole every second of the day. Iv grown apart from everyone and no one really understands what I’m going threw. Iv lost so many close people in my family but the loss of my mom has really meseed me up. I’m doing better in school etc. But my head it’s self is a blur. Every day is a blur. I miss her like crazy. Life is tough for me right now I need help I guess or i just wanted to share my feelings I don’t really know. Maybe this can help someone so they know they arnt alone. I don’t really know
Does your school have a welfare/pastoral advisor who can refer you to a support group or counselling? It will really help you to talk to other people who are, or have been in the same position as you. You’re at the stage right now where many people expect you to be “grown up” and independent, but we know it’s an age where you really need (and want) your mum around. It must hurt so much when you achieve something and the first person you want to tell is your mum. Please ask at school for help, most teachers are trained to know what to do and how to refer you to different organisations or counselling etc. You’ve done the right thing to start out with by looking into this and writing about it here – we’re sure your mum would be really proud of you. Sending a virtual hug for you, take care.
So my girlfriend’s brother died about two weeks ago and she’s having nation of of emotions how do I deal with this when she lashes out at me I’m trying to be here for her and be patient she keeps referring to we need to break up or she’s done what do I do
Last year (2016) my boyfriend really went through it! It began in January, he got sick with pneumonia and due to the severity of it, he was placed on medical leave until everything was back to normal. (mind you, he’s a truck driver, so for him not to be on the road, took a toll on him) Let’s fast forward 2 months (March 2016), his favorite cousin is killed in a hit and run accident. He is tasked with putting up the bulk of the money for funeral arrangements and also taking over the property left behind. It takes another month to bury his cousin (family wars). After all issues and finally, the burial of this cousin is finished, he learns yet another family member has passed. (April 2016) Thankfully he wasn’t asked to put up money for this one. After all of this has taken place, I find that he’d become very distant (rightfully so) so I tried not to bother him too much. One week though, something was gnawing at me to contact him, I couldn’t sleep the night before, I needed to know what was going on. I called him that morning and come to find out, his mom had passed from a stroke. (May 2016) In the midst of helping cousins and aunts, he was also dealing with his mom’s health issues. (This I didn’t know) Of course with a life-altering event like this, one is going to retreat. Let’s fast forward to this new year (2017) babe is still withdrawn. I’ve talked to him a few times but he says he’s going through a lot and just not really in the mood to talk, he says he’d rather pray about everything (Which I wholeheartedly encourage) and when he’s ready to talk he will….from this point forward he’s gone into complete Shut Down Mode! No call, text, email, etc. I’m not sure what to do…? Signed, A concerned girlfriend :
My partner of 18 months grandmother passed away recently , started to withdraw a couple of months before this happened. Due to feeling overwhelmed with home life and work. Started with withdrawing and I actually thought she had started an affair by all her behaviour. Said this is how she copes. I began to get aniexty and went to the doctors as realised I needed to get help. My partner and I have recently separated and she has moved out. No clue to how it all happened.
That is really sad to hear. The issue is that one person often has to be the “strong one” and if that person is also experiencing problems, there are two people left floundering. We hope you can move on from this.
Hi, reading all the comments I can relate to this. My (ex) husband’s father passed away in Jan 2013. I feel my husband still to this day hasn’t gone through the grieving process. His behaviour has changed immensely. He has a lot of anger issues. He finally left me back in March. We had 25 years of an exceptional marriage, then 3 years of hell. I’m now going through my own grieving process of loosing the love of my life. Please if anyone is reading this and has had a relationship which was fantastic before a death happens I ask you seek the counselling you need. Because my husband hasn’t got help, advice or even spoke to close friends and family about loosing his father now our marriage is over, leaving me in a sadden state. I’ve lost my husband and best friend.
So sorry to hear about this. So many men (and women too) bottle up their feelings and refuse to consider counselling. We too would urge anyone to consider it, even if you don’t feel you need it.
My wife and I have suffered great personal loss on both sides of our families. My Mother passed away in 2014, in the past year both my Wife’s Grandmothers passed away within three weeks of each other and within the last few months my Wife’s Mother passed away. My Dad is also in poor health and lives on his own, a constant course of worry. My Father-in-law has a spinal disease. My wife and I have been married for 16years and I thought had a close loving marriage. She works as a funeral director and is currently signed if work with depression. Up to a couple of weeks ago a thought we were OK. Then a week ago she said she needed a break blaming my mood swings and bad temper (we hardly ever argue) and took her stuff and moved up to my father-in-law’s.Yes I am not perfect and I am occasionally in a bad mood, I have occasionally looked at late night porn in the past. But that’s the worse I have ever done in my marriage and not proud of it and I no more than most men in their 40’s .Is this normal behaviour under the circumstances? We talking and everything is amicable, in fact I’ve asked out on a date night in a few days time. I am trying to keep everything as normal as I can for our two boys. I love my very much and I want her back at home with me, but I don’t know what else to do? Please help.
Can you see if she’s willing to try bereavement counselling? Which you might also benefit from yourself? It sounds like you’ve both been through a lot and need an independent person to listen to you. Marriage counselling might also be beneficial. Good luck and keep us posted.
Just over a year ago my wife’s best friend took her own life she never grieved straight away 1 year anniversary of her passing seemed to trigger a complex bereavement. We have been together for best part of 8 years and married 1 year. Up until approx 8 weeks ago she has said I was her soul mate and best friend and loved me so much. I love her so much and thought we had a what I thought was a near perfect relationship we have had a few bad moments but we worked through them, then this 8 weeks ago She started to become very distant which when I asked her why she said it was all about her friends passing. so I have done my best to support her whilst going through the pain and making it easier after a couple of weeks she started bereavement councelling which after a couple of sessions she has said she has fallen out of love for me that it’s not me it’s her and cannot feel that love and even said she’s not loved me for a while and wanted to break up. She agreed to stay together until the councelling has helped her with the bereavement . But since shown no signs of love towards me at all like we are just friends but not close we are in Seperate rooms. It’s hurting me so much and I’m still trying but she seems she doesn’t want to make it work when I asked she said she is Not sure Has anyone gone through this and had a happy ending . I’m not a believer you just fall out of love.. Im hoping our love was strong enough to shine through.I’m only 8 weeks in but seems like forever I feel I’m getting depressed. There has been no signs of improvement like she hasn’t told she loves me or kissed me held my hand or anything in this period at all. I know grief has no time period but is this normal for her to be this way
My boyfriend’s ex was taken off life support last year. Her family got upset because he didn’t attend the funeral and his son blames me. After her passing I noticed Everytime we talked about her he defends her, protects her and doesn’t want anybody talking bad about her. He cries when he hears a song that reminds him of her. Yet he hears people talk bad about me and doesn’t say anything. this woman made my life a living hell and now her son. He let him talk bad about me. Why!
Hi I have just gone through the same sort of thing , my partner of 20 years just lost his dad his dad was poorly from christmas and passed july , our first grandchild was due middle of july and the week before he left saying we have drifted even though he withdrawn himself since christmas , I know he is grieving but he has been so cold towards me it really hurts also it did take the joy of my little grandchild being born which was quite upsetting I do love him but can’t see any future for us it has been 10 wks now
What about how it effects your relationship with the other parent? My mom died 2 years ago. My father seems to be slowly pushing all of us kids away. (there are 6 of us) only 2 of us are his. He is step dad the the rest. He started seeing someone who is only 5 years older than the youngest of us and there seems to be some questionable activity surrounding her “circumstances” My father is 72 she is 47. She doesnt have custody of her kids, only has 1 2 hour visit a week with her 16yr old. She has been committed in the past and we understand her ex-husband and mother are trying to have her committed again. She has had the cops called since MOVING in with my father. Its a mess. We tried to talk to my father about all of this and he went off. And continues to. He is pushing my siblings away and starting to push me away. What do you do?
Gosh, we really don’t know what to advise for this kind of situation except to keep being there for him and involving him in your own lives as much as possible.
Hi. I have a difficult one. My partner and I have been together about 5 years. 3 years ago his brother was diagnosed terminally ill. His brother is single, no kids, a very domineering man and also very wealthy. He has used this to manipulate my partner and my partners son into basically putting their lives on hold to care for him. Now I totally understand family is important and he should be there for this dying man but it’s putting incredible pressure on our relationship. We both work full time (his son cares in the week) and then every weekend he’s there from early morning to late at night to relieve his son – understandably! We’ve cancelled so many holidays and events related to my family I can’t tell you. Thing is I know he loves me and is just totally torn. We are all just waiting for this man to die which sounds and is horrible. I get angry at being left alone and then feel guilty for doing so. He feels guilty about everything. I can see this man could easily pay for nursing care which would help everyone but his approach is ‘I’m leaving you my money so this is how you earn it’. Horrible. To be honest he’s now in the last stages of life so not long left. I’m worried about the future though. How I take things forward post bereavement. I don’t think I can apply much more patience than I already have. Advice would be welcome.
I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for over 8 years. We have a 4 1/2 year old son. After a really hard 18 months his mum sadly passed away 4 weeks ago. As we live in two different cities due to work, I literally dropped everything to be there for him. I’ve driven over 3000 miles in a month being back and forth, going to work, getting our son to school and being there for him. I’ve balanced everything as best as I can, and supported my partner by doing washing, cleaning and cooking. I’ve bought tickets to football matches and tried doing things he enjoys. The past few days I’ve tried to express the difficulty I’m having and exhaustion I’m facing with our little boy and with all the working, travelling and having our son myself. Parent to parent. Even tried arranging a night out for me and for him and our son to have a night in together, but he got very frustrated about that. It seemed to cause a ripple of anger and frustration which he then let rip before I left to drive home (another 3-4 hour journey). I’m just at a loss as to how much I should allow for the grief, as I’m grieving too. Admittedly not to the same extent, but I’m doing everything I can. I just don’t know what more I can do. Any advise or help would be appreciated.
My father passed away this year.I was very close to him.And I feel like my marriage is not fulfilling as it should be. I have been married 10 years and I have a son. I am unhappy and I avoid being home by working excessive hours. I have strong urge to cheat. There is another women that is practically throwing herself at me, and I can’t help the temptation. I know it’s wrong and I am also hurting because I do not want to hurt my wife. I am thinking of a divorce. I feeling like the grass is greener on the other side. I need advice. Is this grieving?
It could be associated with your grief. Before being tempted into taking this any further, make an effort to address what you find unhappy with your home life. Talk it through, seek counselling etc.
i have been married for 15years but been with my husband for 25 years he left me 12 weeks ago without telling me he won’t talk to me and we haven’t even seen each other and is avoiding me, he’s father passed away 5years ago and he has never grieved for him he told our youngest son he wants a divorce and for me to go solicitors but its not what i want, could he be going through a midlife crisis or depression? do i do what i have been doing and leave him alone and hope he will come to he’s senses and come home or do i just go and get a divorce?
We really can’t advise on individual issues like this – we really don’t have enough information and wouldn’t want to tell you whether you should get a divorce or not. Can you perhaps make an appointment for counselling (either joint or individual), could he be having an affair? You really need to try and find out what’s at the heart of this before making your decision.
I lost my mother unexpectedly last year. I am very slowly coning to terms (somewhat) with the forever end of our relationship. Yesterday I had to (very unexpectedly) put my beloved chihuahua to sleep. Apparently he had been suffering heart disease & we never knew. He was in advanced congestive heart failure. He was my constant friend & companion for at least 10 years. He WAS my child. My sis in law lives next door & her 5 year old was obviously curios. I understand she’s just a kid & that her questions or comments may be tactless but don’t have malice either. What can I do or say to make her understand that these comments and such are not very kind to a person in grief. I don’t know what to do. Please help. P.s. her mom dislikes me & finds every little reason to turn me into a bad guy
My story is a bit different than most on here. My boyfriend and I fell deeply in love. Though I knew he had COPD, cancer was never on my radar. He never purposely avoided it. He may not have cancer, but a part of him wanted to be sure. We became so close that he became my best friend and close love. We wanted to spend our lives together. Then the results came. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We both love each other deeply, but he does not want to put those he loves through the pain of chemotherapy and his “monsters” of his disease. I have patience, but my fear is not having him while he still has life. His fear is he is taking away from that life. I leave him messages on his phone daily. And we are supposed to see each other this weekend, but he is afraid and rightly so. I am at a loss how to support him and let him come to terms with things. He is 38 years old. When I do not hear back from him, I worry the last time we talk is our very last. Even if being there is stepping back. The thing is he has been strong all his life and now his body will not allow him to do so. I cannot pity the man who still has so much life to give. Seeing him in pain is difficult, but the most difficult is not knowing how to comfort him is what creates the most pain. Him pushing away. I do not know if anyone really has answers to this question. Most would not understand how I can love someone who will not live forever. But, not many have the opportunity to love so deeply; even those who are both healthy do not get that kind of love. Anyone who has faced this or going through this have any advice?
My ex girlfriend lost her mum to Cancer back in May this year and she never faced the grief, she moved house not long after the funeral and went straight into DIY mode keeping endlessly busy then a carpenter friend of ours was over to fix the fence. Suffice to say we had a holiday the following week and she was so cold to me and jumpy. We split up afterwards. I have since found out that she and the carpenter friend have been seen together and mutual friends have warned me, it was crushing. I suspect that she was unfaithful the week before our holiday and dropped me for him. The funny thing is her previous relationship ended a similar way, her ex lost his father to cancer and had an affair as well leaving her and the kids for the other woman. She always went on about it. I feel crushed, what is it about grief that makes people do this??
5 years ago my father passed away due to his long standing alcohol addiction it’s something I have dealt with my whole life i’m 31 now for a number of years leading up to his death he had been living on his own as we could no longer tolerate his behavior and verbal abuse when he was drunk. Even in this situation we still had semi-regular contact with him and my older brother had to manage his money because if he didn’t we would have nothing to buy food, pay rent, utilities etc as it would all be spent on his habit while he still wanted to drink we tried to limit his intake as he would go to vast extremes if allowed to so. So when the day came I was getting ready to head to work when a knock came at my door it was one of his neighbors they informed me that he’d been found dead I didn’t know what to do so I tried contacting my mother and older brother but didn’t get a response so left a message to contact me so then I followed them round to my fathers flat to find the police and an ambulance outside so they asked me their questions I could barely think straight at this point then they asked me to identify the body as I looked at him I thought I knew this was probably coming at some point but never imagined what it would look like when faced with it I cried of course comforted by people who lived nearby and knew him. I’m the only member of my family who saw him in this state even when my older brother arrived he couldn’t bring himself to go in and I can understand that why would you force yourself into that situation when it wasn’t necessary at the time. But I’ve never really considered how it as affected me did I deal with my grief correctly? I talked with my mother and brothers but my younger brother took it exceptionally hard probably mostly out of guilt he experienced what my father did and said when he was alive but these days takes about him like he was a saint and it kind of pisses me off as he really wasn’t he did love us I know that but his addiction ruled him so I couldn’t blame him for that but doesn’t mean I had to like it. After the initial shock of it all I found myself not feeling the loss as deeply as others does that make me cold and uncaring? I don’t know or had I already come to terms with the outcome before it happened and was more prepared for it or is that just an excuse? I could describe myself as emotionally unavailable but I do feel but don’t always show or talk about it unless it really is weighing on me but only to close family/friends my last relationship end because I couldn’t love that person no matter what I did is it a failing in me?
No, it’s not “failing” at all. Everyone handles and feels grief (and love) in different ways. Don’t ever worry that you don’t feel enough grief or that you have to demonstrate ti other people.
My partner lost his mother 3 years ago and recently his father at the moment he’s says he is feeling so numb and lost which I can understand – but it’s aimed at me, my whole world has been turned upside down I don’t want to say anything as it’s not about me I have tried talking but he just says he don’t know what he wants or if he wants me we at present still live together will he come out of this I am supportive can’t be loving an listen but I’m also dying inside 🙁
I found my Mother 4 months ago, dead on the floor in her home. She was completely naked with dried blood from her nose. I remember seeing the swarms of flies and hearing myself screaming. My 11 year old son was thankfully waiting outside in my car.I ran outside, screaming for my mobile with tears streaming down my face. The neighbours all came running. I collapsed in the arms of a stranger from the shock. Fast forward, I’m dealing with my Mother’s estate. I’m joint executors with the solicitor of my mother’s choice, who are charging £260 an hour. The whole family has fallen out with me due to my mother’s wishes in her Will. None of them had seen her or spoken to her in 20 years and expected more. My life has been turned upside down. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’ve lost my last parent at 34 years of age or because it was a sudden death and we were so close. My grief is so raw, I’ve been to the doctors twice and am waiting to see a bereavement counsellor. I feel I have nothing to live for since I’ve lost both my parents. I have a wonderful husband of 16 years and 2 healthy children. Everyone tells me to focus on my children. I have lost all focus and meaning of life. I feel numb, shock, disbelief and my life is in limbo. I can’t sleep at night and find it hard to wake up in the morning. I just want to be reckless, as I’ve sensed my own mortality. My father died at 60, my mother at 69, so in theory I won’t live long. My current hobbies are shopping, drinking, gambling and crying. I’ve even been thinking of having an affair just to distract me from the pain I’m currently going through. It’s like a self destruct button that I’m pressing. Just to clarify, before my mum passed, I was a hard working, motivated, organised person, who has always been a faithful wife and loving mother. So, for those who can’t contemplate why their grieving partner is or has cheated, I hope this helps. It’s never right to cheat, but grief is something I can’t explain. It’s like someone has rewired your brain, thoughts and memory. It makes you do crazy things. On the bright side, my therapy starts in the New Year! Hopefully, I will see the light and not do something crazy that will wreck my marriage or end my life.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years. 18 months ago his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she died a year ago. On Christmas Day, my partner told me he cheated on me in October, in an alleyway outside a bar, says that a cloud of white smoke came over him and he doesn’t know how/why it happened. I honestly feel I’ve done everything I could to support him and his mum the last 18 months and feel so broken that he betrayed me. He says that he’s felt sad since summer and doesn’t feel he deserves anything in his life and really misses his mum, I’ve arranged an appointment for him with a councillor but I honestly don’t feel that I can speak to him myself. I don’t know whether to be there for him or to go.
I’ve lost my mum recently from a massive heart attack. She was both mum and dad to me as dad past away when I was 12.(I’m 48) My partner is so good to me but being Xmas I over indulged in drink. Then I would spend the next day in bed feeling sorry for myself. Ive taking time of work which I should have done at the start but I thought if I carried on working that I be alright. He says he’s fine but I leave him on his own and go and read or don’t spend enough time with him. I loved my mum but I also should be thinking of him because he’s here for me. I no your going to say that the relationship is strong it will last. But I think there’s only so much a person can take.
We do hope the therapy helps and thank you so much for taking the time to explain how you’re feeling and how it might help others understand their partners’ actions. Please keep talking to people (and the therapist) about how you are feeling. If you can tell your husband about this rather than trying to hide it, that might help. Take care and we hope that 2018 holds some hope and brightness for you.
Have you considered counselling? Or joining a local bereavement support group? Sometimes these really do help. You could also involve your boyfriend and he could help you through you grief more easily this way. Just try and do one special thing a day for him to show you still care.
We can’t tell you whether to stay or go unfortunately but @TM’s post below might help explain why your boyfriend had the urge to cheat on you.
Thank you for your reply. I have contacted a bereavement councillor. Just waiting word back. I will take your advice on doing something nice for him each day. Hope all on this chat will find peace of mind and Say a prayer to your loved ones I no they are listening. I let you know how I get on. Thanks again. Good luck ??
My story started 15 years ago when we were madly in Love the first time. We split and did not see or talk to each other for 15 years. We reconnected just over a month after his wife died. It’s like a day never passed for us all of our past emotions but he’s mourning and feels so guilty he’s so happy so quickly. He loved her and I knew her it’s a very sad situation. I’m being supportive but my heart is breaking. I don’t know how to help…. I told him to take some time but he insists he doesn’t want to not see me… any advice is welcome
Update from my last post (December 2017) I had my first private therapy session. It was enlightening and helped me question what I want to do to change the way I feel. The grief that I’m currently going through has almost doubled since Xmas and New Year, because all the stress of the festivities is over. The therapist believes I’m finding it so difficult, because of my childhood memories of my mother, which wasn’t great. I was always seeking her approval. I don’t think I ever got it, but I told her after she died how much I loved and appreciated everything she did for me. Went to the gym today, which my husband insisted I join to clear my head. Someone mentioned the name ‘mum’ and I just burst into tears. Everytime I think I’m going 3 steps forward, I’m actually going back 10 steps. On the bright side… I haven’t had an affair. I know I need a distraction, which is why I’m getting 2 chihuahua puppies to love and pamper. Apparently, pets are the best therapy one can have! Trying, to keep myself super busy, as the fear of stopping to think for one moment has turned into anxiety. I still have my mother’s ashes in my front room on a table, decorated as a shrine to honour her. I know I have to let her go and bury her with my father, but I’m not ready to let go yet. I hope and pray this veil of grief lifts, so I can see some light and joy in my life.
My Boyfriend of one year has just lost his mum and is obviously devastated. He is 55 and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have lost him as he is grieving, and wants to spend all his time with his family. He is continuing to work and play music in the bands he’s in, and although he is trying to not push me away, it seems really hard for him to be with me. Please, please, any advice on how I can help him, and not loose him for ever. I’m grieving for our relationship and what we had, but all alone as I don’t want to put any more pressure or worry on him. I know things will never be the same again, he will never be the same again. I’m in relationship limbo and it’s crushing me daily, I know this could go on for some time. How do I keep sane, so that I can be there if he needs me.
Lou, reading your comment was like reading what my heart is saying. My boyfriend (aged 44) has just lost his mum and I feel exactly the same. The thought of losing him makes me feel sick and I feel terrible for feeling this way when he is grieving. I lost my mum many years ago and I too pushed people away and even separated from my boyfriend at the time but I was only 23. I’ve been there for him but he’s gone..and it’s killing me. Everything’s changedo and it’s totally out of our control.
Hello, I met my girlfriend 5.5 years ago, I had met her 7 days after her mom had died from a wreck, then recently November 2017, her dad passed away from liver failure. As her partner the last 6 months have been hard and has only turned worse, we have been going to couples counseling and have found this intense feeling of Nger(me) and her running around recklessly getting drunk and not coming home. I was ready to leave her, so tired of hurting… but we went on a cruise and for some reason I stoped this hurt/anger and she didn’t act out recklessly. It’s like we both valued each other, loved each other. I know that there’s much to do now we are back home, I hope to god she sees a bereavement counselor, and maybe do couples counseling every other week. But to those supporting some one of grief I found taking off for a week together helped put some glue back on the relationship. Btw her.mom was killed when she was 24 and her dad passed being 29 years old. Please pray for us. Thank you
M y daughter passed away aged 39 years I am struggling I’m depressed suicidal and I’ve self harmed I found her dead on her kitchen floor with her face smashed in , she was stiff and smelt of rotten meat I cannot get the image out of my head , I’ve been asking for help now for 4 months but it doesn’t happen I don’t know what to do any more I just want to give up
Who have you been asking for help? Has your GP referred you for counselling etc? If not try asking again. Alternatively, contact bereavement support groups in your area, or try organisations like CRUSE or Child Bereavement UK
Hello. I am 30 years old, just had my first child 4 months ago and lost my mom the beginning of January. Although my mom raised three other children, biologically I am the only child. My family has turned their backs to me and two of the other siblings stole things from my moms house, cleaned out her bank account, and didn’t even attempt to attend her funeral. They children made my mom’s life a living hell and kept her stressed out. I can’t even look at them as my siblings even though my mom never made a difference between us. I am beyond hurt and not even had the proper time to grieve her death. I have had to decide on taking her off the ventilator, make funeral arrangements, clean her house out and take care of financial obligations alone. Dealing with this has placed a strain on my relationship of eight years. My boyfriend doesn’t understand the feelings that I am experiencing and has threatened to leave me because he can’t deal with chias that is surrounding me. The thought of loosing my family at this time brings on a whole new hurt and I am trying to stay strong for my baby. I am lost and don’t know what to do because my mom would be the one I would call for help dealing with this matter and I don’t have her. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.
Y partner lost his mum to cancer last year the anniversary is nearly here…..we have 2children a 10 year old and a 7 month old since we had our 2nd child things have never been the same every time she crys he complains with sly remarks he never does anything with her he needs the break all the time I’ve never had my hair done since last auguest I’ve ever spent time away from my kids sinc we had our 2nd child…..he’s starting to not come home from a night out he’s also caused an argument tonight Togo out smashed my house up told me I’m a horrible person and I make him do this …. the for him to leave and message wanting to pick work clothes up to now wanting to stay on the sofa…..we have a very talented son who enjoys sports and I don’t want this to knock is confidence and most of all to think this isn’t exceptable to treat a woman…..we’ve been together 12 years and now it’s all gone just like that
My husband passed away 6 months ago from cancer I loved him very much, He has a relative that he asked to stay here and take care of things for me financially and fix things that I couldn’t, He is the same age as me , he started washing dishes just really sweet little things ….he sits up late at night and talks with me ….we neither one have much family other than our children, no we have not been romantic …but I care for him very deeply …I have tried to explain myself to him but he just don’t get it ….he is very generous and so so sweet, so is this grief or real feelings and we make plans it’s almost like being married but without romance I don’t know how else to say it !!!
We really can’t say whether this is grief or not but it might be worth allowing yourself more time. Perhaps doing things separately, even asking him to move out for a while? That way you may be able to tell whether you’re subconsciously looking for someone to fill a space in your life or that you genuinely feel for each other.
My husband lost his mom on March 25 of 2017. It was a long hard journey his sister was the POA and would not let him know any information on his mother in the nursing home. As it was his dad died when he was 11 his mom had her first stroke 3 weeks later at the age of 30. It was just him and his sister against the world. for 5 years before his mother did his sister and her family only visited his mom once a year on the thanksgiving dinner that the nursing home had for families. He would make the hour trip at least once a month to visit. 6 weeks before his mom died my husband started calling his sister telling her that she was not well and it was not going to make it much longer begging for her to see his mom. she never went down. toward the end he begged her to move her closer he didn’t want her to die alone. his sister would say that she didn’t want to deal with the phone calls he told her that he would take them he would do it all he just wanted it done. her response was fine but I’m not doing it for her. she died that night he never got to bring her closer. He has a lot of guilt on how his mom died and he feels he didn’t fight hard enough for her. he has never said anything to his sister about any of this. His sister walked out of the funeral with his moms ashes and has not talked to him since. In the last year he has started drinking, his personality has change considerably the most loving and empathetic man I know and now he doesn’t even act like we exist he will joke or talk out in public but at home he is not the same man i have asked him to go to counseling but he refuses. can you help.
I really don’t know where to start I lost my Mam 7 months ago and have had so much rage and anger that I’ve lost my realationship with my partner. He’s tried to help me however I’ve pushed and pushed him away until it’s come to where we don’t go more than 2 days without me flying of the handle. I’ve became a bit of a recluse and I just don’t know which way to turn.
I lost my Dad 3 months ago. I am in a long distance relationship with my Partner of nearly 3 years and I don’t feel like he is there for me. He came with me to the funeral and stayed 2 weeks – went home for 2 weeks for work – and came back for 2 weeks and left 20 February. He next plan to come and visit me on the 26 April – we will have been apart for 9 weeks. With everything I have been going through, I feel this is too long. I am so angry with him for not making more of an effort and putting his work before my feelings and well being. I feel like our relationship is going to break down because of this which is just adding to my grief and feeling like my life is spiralling out of control.
Please advise us. This year has been awful to say the least. My partners dad died just before Xmas. My step mum died and then my mum’s partner died. At the same time my partner had a brain stem stroke. My partners mum is coping as is my dad. However my mum with the loss of her partner is all over the place. I am having to manage my own household with my partner after his stroke and my two teenage sons. My mum is just not coping at all. I know she’s grieving but so is the rest of the family with the other relatives dying and my partners stroke. I just don’t know what to do about my mum. She comes round every day she calls every day. We are suggesting what to do about every day things that need doing. She listens but then goes to the next person to ask the same questions to them. She is creating so much more work for herself but not achieving anything. I’m worried I will just snap at her because she’s not taking on board anything that we are all going through as well.
As I’ve read over these testimonials of grieving people, my heart hurts for them all. Grief is the loss of a job, a relationship (divorce or death), or anything that breaks up the foundation of your life. I am truly sorry for all those in so much pain. My husband died over 3 years ago. We were married 25 years. I miss him very much and have found the holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries difficult without him. Today was his birthday and I cried thinking of him. However, I have not “lost” him as I know where it is and will one day see him again, although that day is not today. We loved each other very much and I know he would not want me to stop living because he is not here. I would have wanted him to choose joy and seek happiness if I were the one who died instead of him. I know that’s what he would want of me. How do I cope? I choose joy. Everyday, I choose joy. I know I was created for a purpose so I seek God’s guidance to light my path to help others and glorify His name. Knowing my life has meaning helps me cope with my grief.
On the same week my Mother was in the hospital from a broken hip and died and my wife’s adult daughter was diagnosed with Brain Cancer and had surgery the day following my Moms death. This is a situation where neither spouse could support the other. My wifes daughter survived the surgery and is going through the therapies that typically are required. Even though I know all this still I am angry with her because she would not come to the hospital with me to see my moms body the day she died. Her daughter was fine that day and was just waiting for the surgery. I was disappointed because while I was leaving to the hospital where my Mother was she asked me for a ride to the daughters hospital and to help her with paper work before I took her there. Maybe i’m over-reacting but that one couple of hours I needed her the most and she didn’t want to be there for me. Her daughter has her husband and a ton of family support I had one person to turn to when I she was not there when I needed her the most. I’m on the second day after my Mom’s passing and have yet to see my wife as she is still with her daughter. Funeral is Friday and i’m not sure if she is coming or not yet. After all this is done I guess we will see how the marriage survives.
My wife died from metastatic breast cancer 3 weeks ago. We had 30 years of faithful, and loving times. We knew 8 months ago what the outcome would be, so we were given time to say goodbyes to friends, family, and ourselves. Of course we did many things together, but we also had our own interests. We would give each other the time to pursue these interests with no jealousy, or regret. She would be gone a portion of the winter teaching skiing in the West, or going so artist workshops, and I would go on my annual motorcycle ride with buds, play my music, or do whatever. During the last eight months, we have talked about how I would manage without her. Trust me that for the last 3 weeks I have been through a lot of grieving.. The gift that I was given from her is that I know in my heart it is grieving and not depression. I am beginning to see glimpses of all the great memories we had and my smile has, at times, appeared. What I do know for sure is that she is irreplaceable. I am not so old that she wanted me to find someone else. Wether I do or not, is a story, yet written, but if I ever do, that lady is going to have to be ok with my ashes being put next to hers. That’s how I am ordering the stone anyway.
My current situation is that my. boyfriend’s dad is terminally ill and I know that sadness all too well although I never met his father for the past 24 hours I couldn’t stop crying because I lost my dad 2010 how can I help my boyfriend emotionally without breaking down every time we talk
Can you put your thoughts in writing for him to read? Perhaps letting him know that you empathise because you’ve been through a similar situation will help. You can then say you want to support him and ask him how you can best do this. It might help if you sought counselling yourself to help you through your long standing grief.
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my partner of 28 years,went to the doctors on 23rd of january 2019,was told by doctor she needed go to hospital,whilst there she had a scan,and phoned me up with the result.i broke down when she said she had cancer.yet on 10th may 2018 she was given the all clear,pains under her breast and lower left hand side of her back plus joint pains were all thought to be side effects of the operation and radio therapy plus side effects of the drugs she was on.when infact they are also the signs of cancer .its beyond belief that doctors could of given my partner the all clear with no follow up scans and they must of overlooked other parts of the body when they did the scan on 10th may 2018,as on 10th feb my world fell around me as my loving long term partner passed away in a hospice with me by her side holding her hand.more needs doing to have monthly follow up checks to see if cancer is returning ,not them giving the all clear and nothing,pathetic that lives every year are lost because doctors dont have follow up checks.sorry but im missing my partner so much and at present have not had bereavement counselling which i know i need,im on a waiting list,hopefully i will get help before i lose it.all i want now is to know 100 percent that i can be laid to rest next to my lost soul mate.as she was my world and im lost without her.
My grandma who I was very close with passed away early February this year. She was terminally ill and sick for a very long time. I’ve just started up uni and a new job and I’ve been living with my boyfriend of 9 months since January. I am very excited about the year to come, but I find myself teary when I’m around my boyfriend and very clingy. I keep misinterpreting his actions and mood (i.e. he’s in a rush and I interpret that he’s mad at me). I’m not usually like this with him, could this be to do with me grieving? And how do I stop it, because i fear it will hurt our relationship.
at this moment in time,all i want is to be with my partner ,who passed away on `10th feb,2019 her funeral was 11 march ,i cannot clear my head with the what ifs etc etc.she was my world she meant more to me than life itself,at present im very emotional and constantly crying .i was with her for about 28 years,and i was so in love with her,i cannot see the point of carry on with my life.
My partner of 8 years lost her father 6 weeks ago, since then she has pushed me away,. Didn’t want to see or speak to me however much I tried to help her. She now says that her feelings for me are not like they were, she said that we should just be friends, I want us back but dont know how to go about it.